As usual for most mornings, today I woke up, and after some light reading and journaling checked twitter to see what dumb stuff was going on in the world (and what clever takes my mutuals had to say about it).
But to my surprise, today in my DMs weren’t questions about some situation with so-and-so’s girlfriend, or confusion about how to approach this-or-that dating scenario.
Rather, it was series of requests to comment on “Tomi Lahren’s new video”
I had not heard the name Tomi Lahren in a long time — probably back in 2017 or 2018, when she had made some controversial comments (of which I forget) and was invited on Trevor Noah’s show.
I don’t know much about Tomi except that she’s an attractive, intelligent girl, and a big rising star in political commentary niche — the sort of archetypical “Fox News” conservative female pundit: thin, blonde, and assertive.
I’m not really into that scene, so obviously these requests were a surprise… until I saw the title.
“PSA for Boyish Men” is an ~15 minute long rant about modern men. And make no mistake there’s a lot in there to unpack.
What Does Tomi Think About Modern Guys?
Tomi’s argument is broken down into 5 specific recommendations for these “modern manchildren:”
#1: Are You Single? Basically don’t date Tomi or her friends if you’re romantically involved with another girl. Makes sense obviously if these guys are married or in a serious relationship — and I am even sympathetic about her claim about the “single” guys are hooking up with as many as 4 other girls at the same time.
That said, there seems to be a lack of awareness here. Being a high-profile woman, she’s mostly dating only high-profile men… and these guys have a lot of options. While I get the frustration, the market dynamics certainly aren’t in her favor — moreover, it’s implicit while dating today that you are not exclusive until it is verbalized. So given the lack of details, it’s unclear if this is reasonable or not.
#2: Make Plans. Hard to disagree with this one. Tomi’s frustrated guys never move things towards actual dates. They text stuff like “how’s your day going” and become pen pals, which is a huge turn off for any woman — especially those with self-esteem or self-respect. She is expecting men to be men and take the initiative, and is frustrated most of them don’t.
The truth is this problem is endemic among men today, which is why it is one of the core principles in my book Tackling Texting. You only ever text for two reasons: a) to add value and b) to get her on a date. And the only reason you do a) is for b).
#3: Value Value. You can tell this one is a bit more personal for her. She feels like the guys she’s dated don’t appreciate just how incredible her and her friends are. They’re all beautiful and successful; they’re accomplished women, with something “going for them” unlike the basic “thotianas” guys seem to prioritize over her.
(To be fair, the only Tatiana I knew was a whore — she slept her way up the corporate ladder. But she had her talents. Within a year of being hired, she had gotten an entire division of 100+ people fired on false rumors. Only 4 employees — 3 highly valuable engineers, and her — survived. But I digress.)
There’s a point to this — Tomi is certainly a catch, there aren’t a lot of girls on her level. And yet… you have to wonder… if that’s all there is to the story, why aren’t guys acknowledging it with their actions? To paraphrase Aristotle, isn’t quality self-evident?
#4: Consistency. Again, Tomi makes some good observations about modern men. Whereas in the past, you’d expect a guy to follow up on dates, to not be flakey… a lot of guys today will drop off the radar, and then reemerge later on expecting the girl to be just as invested. As she notes, confident girls don’t deal with this shit.
It should be mentioned, some of this may be a tactical consideration for guys — they are used to girls flaking, and are just trying not to seem over-invested. Yet it is true: this is playing games, and this sort of self-protection doesn’t exactly convey confidence. Women who know the game, know they are being played.
#5: Don’t Be A Bitch. This last one is on point, and I wish guys would internalize it. You gain NOTHING from being passive-aggressive to a girl after she ends things… and it’s a particularly bad look when you were the one who disappeared.
Part of being a man is risking rejection, but it’s also handling it with your head held high. If you meltdown when you “lose,” you don’t look attractive… and you definitely won’t get her back. This goes double when you were the one playing games.
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So as you can see, Tomi’s critiques about men aren’t all that wrong. No doubt she’s a bit unfair and lacks an objective perspective — she seems to have no idea what men go through with women, and doesn’t get that that a lot of these defensive mechanisms and games are CONDITIONED into men from their dating experiences with other women. For instance, she has no conception of how much women flake — and I’m highly skeptical she hasn’t done it herself, which indicates hypocrisy.
But this is par for the course with women, and is nothing compared to elephant in the room.
Indeed, it’s an elephant that needs to be addressed with most modern women.
My Advice To Tomi Lahren — And All Women
Some of the guys in the comments noted Tomi’s problem was she was going after rich important guys; “no wonder she was getting burned.” They told her to drop her pretense and date some blue collar guy instead — he’d treat her right.
This is not only bad, pointless advice (ridden with victimhood) — it’s pathetic thirsting. Women date across or up, and Tomi is an attractive, quasi-famous girl. She is not going to date outside of her circle.
Moreover, even if she did — it wouldn’t make a difference.
Because while Tomi’s points about men may be true, they’re also irrelevant.
The problem is Tomi herself.
Notice in Tomi’s tirade, she listed all these incredible traits about herself — successful, ambitious, beautiful, takes care of herself.
But she didn’t mention ANYTHING whatsoever about femininity.
Because Tomi ISN’T feminine. She is aggressive, combative, opinionated, and likes to “take charge.”
She is looking for boys to act like men, but is she really acting like a woman?
Is she thinking about what men might want in a girlfriend?
Does she even know or care what men are looking for?
(READ: Why Guys Are Assholes and Girls Are Sluts)
I respect Tomi, and I take ZERO issue with her pursuing her career and crushing it. Power to her. I even think it’s a positive — high-vibration men like independent women, they are drawn to the energy.
But Tomi, like many modern women on this journey, has lost complete touch with her femininity. She doesn’t know when to drop the “I’m right you’re wrong, do what I say” attitude — which might be great for low-vibration political theatre, but gets old fast for a guy wanting to commit.
She says she’s not a feminist, but feminism isn’t as much an ideology as a state of energetic orientation.
There are plenty of “feminists” who take the label because women are social creatures and think they should; yet in essence they are sweet, affectionate, playful, even submissive. Then you have Ann Coulter — Tomi in fifteen years — who hates feminists… yet is the living archetype of a woman denying her femininity and embracing the masculine.
Tomi has a lot of value to offer to a guy, no doubt. The potential is at least there. But her ego is too invested in being right. She’s arrogant and proud, and can’t seem to see her own role in the problem.
She’s dating guys who either play her or who are immature because she’s domineering. This might attract seducers and simps — non-concrete guys absorbed themselves with feminine energy — but it is repulsive to masculine, stable, confident men who value commitment. They are looking for a complement not a combatant.
Masculine & Feminine Integration For Men
We could make the point that Tomi needs to humble herself and introspect as to how she really comes across to guys. We could suggest that her masculine, “fuck off, get on my level” persona is really a defense mechanism — that she is afraid of being hurt by a guy, so she puts up barriers and pushes men away. We could say all of this… and we would be right.
But the problem Tomi has is actually much deeper, and it’s something occurring across society — in both sexes.
My corner of the internet makes much ado about the fact that women today are masculine, and men are feminine. Their objective is to reverse this depolarization and return men to their masculine state and women to their feminine. Only then will society heal.
They’re correct in this assessment, but there’s a blind spot most of them miss:
You cannot progress backwards in psychological development.
My reactionary friends hate to admit this, but growth demands an exploration of the unconscious — and the unconscious (as Jung would say, the anima) for men is the feminine.
The 1950s died for a reason, and it’s never coming back — nor should we want it to, unless we want to return yet again to the mess we’re in today.
Indeed, the problem with the last 50 years isn’t that men have tried to get in touch with their emotions, or that women have tried to get in touch with their resolve — it’s that due to programming both sexes have been stuck in this depolarization, and conditioned to remain there.
What each sex must do is leap into the unknown of the “other” — in order to return to their pole more integrated, and ultimately more powerful.
The basic masculine is based on strength, but it is a rigid strength. There is brutality and control — it maintains order and boundaries, but it depends on force to do so. Even when heroic it does not allow any vulnerability; revealing such things is an admission of weakness.
This masculine is low-level and distorted, and while it has produced civilization, it has also been the cause of much pain to both women and other men throughout the history of the world. Women under this masculine may feel safe, but also suffocated — their voice and agency is stamped out.
Similarly, men under it are conditioned to suppress how they feel, to “man up” — emotional pain is buried, and mostly projected onto others in the form of anger and condescension.
For men to expand beyond this, they must face that which they fear, yet also desire — the feminine.
They must see their emotions, they must explore their needs, they must have compassion for their pain — and that of others. Only then can they transcend them and become truly resilient, to become powerful. Only then is their masculine energy able to engage with women in a healing, complementary way; to lead with truth rather than a dominate from ego.
Unfortunately for most men, this foray into the feminine can be an abyss they struggle to return from. Men desire women, because feminine energy is a cool release from the burden of performance — from the responsibility of order — that men carry with them always. The feminine is death, and all men unconsciously seek death as a reward for their labors in life.
The challenge for men is thus to surrender to death — and then to choose life yet again, now no longer fearing but embracing the void; being one with it.
Feminine & Masculine Integration For Women
The challenge for women, in contrast, is inverted. The feminine exists in its first incarnation as a weak, will-less receptacle for life.
With the exception of birthing said life, it lacks purpose and meaning. Its endless “tests” of the masculine are a sense of attempting to find meaning through its response; it wants to compel the masculine into birthing life into her, both literally and metaphorically. It’s for this reason women are fundamentally energy takers, rather than energy givers — and conversely why a man’s greatest struggle is controlling his energy.
A woman remaining in this state lacks a sense of identity, which makes her co-dependent on the masculine to define herself — and even to exist. This places both authority yet burden on the man, and in a sense diminishes his identity as well; he is both prison guard and prisoner to the feminine. Both man and woman are playing roles; neither of them happy for it.
In order for a woman to escape this state of helplessness, she must reduce her dependence on the man, and explore her own sense of independence and identity.
This is the germ from which feminism arose — and men reading this might be shocked to learn this was not only a positive, but a necessity. Having worked with men of multiple million dollar fortunes in the tops of their industries, I can confirm men in higher levels of consciousness and ambition despise weak, needy women — they are dime-a-dozen energy drains, and contribute usually nothing except good looks and perhaps a one-off fuck to these men of power.
And yet… these men neither want the “boss bitch” ball-busting Tomi Lahrens that have inundated the major cities… because these women, like the weak men they attract, are arrested in their own development.
Having moved from a state of submission to a state of strength, they avoid surrendering once again. Like the man seeks dissolution in the feminine, and fears a return to the direction in the masculine — the woman seeks resolution in the masculine, and fears a return to the receptiveness in the feminine. These women put up walls around their feminine nature, and become hard, because they are terrified of returning to the vulnerability of that softness.
But return they must, if they seek the love they crave.
Truly radiant women are feminine, but no longer weak. They trust and surrender because they know they are not only worthy of receiving, but know what they wish to receive — and can tell when a man can and cannot provide it. They can sense innately when the fruit of a man is rotten. And so they can say no.
They have the strength to define themselves, and the even greater strength to let go of that definition in order to expand more fully into love, and show the power of it not only to their man — but to the world.
Conclusions
Every romance is a mirror to our psyche. How others respond to us is a reflection of who we are.
From this level of understanding, it becomes clear that any problems we experience with the opposite sex are manifest from our own blindness towards ourselves.
Every terrible man Tomi Lahren has dated has told her something about who she is. Each of these men have been alchemical catalysts to transform her life, should she choose to acknowledge their lessons.
As it is her life, it is her choice whether to learn them or not. But her pain and frustration are inevitable so long as she refuses to see her responsibility for the problem.
Tomi wants love, but love is unity; there is no such thing as love when the ego dominates a connection. Tomi claims to have “standards;” she is looking for a man who will give to her what she wants.
And yet no man’s gifts will ever be enough, as she lacks the vulnerability to receive them — they lie waiting outside her gates.
Without vulnerability there is no “real” relationship, only a projection. If Tomi does not change course, “intimacy” for her will remain little more than fantasy after broken fantasy… until her walls grow so strong as to prevent her from even experiencing that.
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Hopefully both the women — and men — reading this, learn from Tomi, and understand what must happen before it is too late.
To the extent dating and relationships are painful, it’s because we are broken. The more broken we are, the more pain we experience. Some people choose chronic pain — limping along on a crooked emotional state; others choose acute — the more intense yet fleeting shock of resolving trauma and “resetting” ourselves.
The desire the masculine feels for the feminine and vice-versa is the vector for this realignment. Some lean out of this alchemy, others lean in.
But the more work you do, the easier it gets. The belief that “marriage is hard” or “dating sucks” is a product of a mind unable to take ownership for its own experience. Marriage is hard — until you deal with your bullshit. Dating sucks while you suck. Then they’re easy. In fact, you begin to wonder if anything could be easier.
I know the journey is difficult — especially the beginning. But you must choose whether to sit on the side of the path, terrified and hurting in the worst of places — or be courageous and nevertheless press on.
No one can walk it but you.
But if you want help on this journey… to move through it as quickly and painlessly as possible…
I can be your guide.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS If you are just looking for a map, try my masterclass instead of coaching. It covers all the above and much much more in depth.
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