Yesterday on Twitter, Kathryn Hogan (@KathrynmHogan – great follow BTW) responded to my tweet with an interesting question.
Me: “A woman can only be soft if her man is hard. Most modern men are not up to the challenge.”
Her: “Do you think this is a goes both ways thing? That a man can’t be hard (firm?) Like how kitten described (easily without softness and support, and vice versa?”)
I gave a little stream-of-consciousness of this on Twitter but I’ve since thought a bit harder on it. My answer is No.
Here’s why:
“Soft” things in nature (we are speaking metaphorically, obviously) do not survive on their own. Nature forces you to “get hard” or you are killed. This is why survivors of immense trauma go two directions: they either completely breakdown (a form of psychological death) or become tough as steel.
Men AND women are no different.
People become hard to protect soft things.
The difference is the hierarchy.
Men are physically stronger, and their role in nature has always been to protect against threats.
This is why women seek out men who have the will and ability to deal with problems.
All women do this, but the softer the woman, the more she trusts the man… because the more she MUST trust the man.
It’s why most men prefer softer women: trust = respect, and what man doesn’t want to feel respected?
Femininity is a childlike expression, but children need protection to remain childlike.
Like a flower, it is a fragile beauty that needs cover from the elements in order to endure.
Why protect it?
Because it HEALS the soul.
The harder the man, the more trials he’s endured, and the more damage he’s accumulated. It can make such men bitter and miserable.
A feminine counterpoint for such a man doesn’t weaken him so much as offer relief from his past burdens, so he feels the strength to take on new ones.It gives him a REASON to fight on, or even to die.
We’ll return to some of these themes tomorrow, but to return to the question…
This is why hard men SEEK OUT soft women, and soft women seek out hard men.
But women without a hard man risk becoming hard themselves, out of necessity.
Single mothers suffer this dilemma routinely. Children in general remove some of a woman’s femininity, as a woman now must become responsible, and responsibility strips femininity.
(this is why younger women are more feminine, they are literally more like children)
But a single mother has ENORMOUS responsibility, and so generally loses this glow.
Women without a man have one way to stay soft.
A male RELATIVE takes on the burden.
This is ensconced in tradition, where the FATHER plays that role of “giving away” his daughter, or if he can’t, a brother or uncle.
The father is supposed to keep his daughters feminine by being “hard” until another man can take over that role.
That is why women without fathers suffer so much.Fatherlessness literally destroy femininity on systemic scale.
Heavy stuff.
But these are the sort of things that help you to understand the world, and your role in a relationship.
Speaking of which:
Modern women get a lot of flack for being hard, but the truth is most of them are this way out of necessity.
Guys just don’t “get it” — even if they’re “hard” and tackle the biological component of attraction, the psychological suffers.
I help you to address both simultaneously, so you don’t create new problems while solving the old.
Yes, this is a delicate dance. But it’s a dance I excel at.
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– Pat
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