7 Steps To Get What You Want In Dating
I am inundated daily with complaints from men and women about the opposite sex.
Women are upset they can’t find a good man… or one they’re attracted to.
Men are upset they can’t find an available woman… or one who treats them right.
Everybody is straight-up dissatisfied. They can’t get what they want in dating.
I usually nod and empathize when I hear their stories. No doubt, it’s tough out there. People have high standards, and the options are arguably worse than ever (at least it certainly feels that way).
But the biggest reason I keep quiet is simple:
Most people don’t want solutions to their problems. They don’t want to hear the truth. They just want to vent.
They want to know people care about them, and they want to be told what feels good (especially when it comes from an expert).
I get it. There is nothing wrong with wanting some support. I’m there for you.
(Talking through this stuff is a regular day in my Dynamic Men group, which yes, is free, and yes, if you’re a guy who wants to get what you want in dating you should join)
But I admit it’s a bit frustrating to see the same stories repeat themselves over and over again.
So, I’m writing this post to say what I so rarely say to my non-clients in person.
A “trigger warning” before we begin.
This article is *not* for people who want to be told conventional wisdom about dating. It is not for sensitive people looking for feel-good fluff. It is direct and blunt.
It is also 100% true.
Just because you find an exception, it does not make it intelligent to operate on that exception. Success in life is playing to the odds.
If you follow these 7 Steps (the earlier the better), give it a few years and the dating life you want is almost guaranteed.
So now with that all out of the way, let’s dive in…
Step #1 To Get What You Want In Dating: Kill Your Entitlement, Humble Yourself
Entitlement is the silent killer of happiness in the 21st Century. Our parents coddled us, and since we were little we were told we not only could, but should have it all — a concept reinforced the rest of our lives through media and marketing campaigns.
We’ve been indoctrinated to be spoiled little brats.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m all about high-standards. But you need to have high-standards for yourself before you can have high-standards for others.
(Read: The Women You Deserve)
Entitlement is the opposite of this. It is demanding others give you what you want (when you want) without offering anything of value in return. It is expecting the world to conform to you, rather than vice-versa.
It is poison for the mind, and the mark of someone with poor self-awareness and immaturity.
The sad truth is you are not special. You are owed nothing. And if you are not getting what you want in dating, it’s not the world’s fault. It’s your own. You either need to become better or you need to adjust your expectations.
Which brings us to Step #2.
Step #2 To Get What You Want In Dating: Understand The Sexual Marketplace (And Adapt To It)
Getting the girl of your dreams isn’t a right. The dating environment is a marketplace, and those who are in demand are going to have more options and leverage. Most of us know this intuitively, but we lie to ourselves because our ego doesn’t like to be told that our “special gifts” are commodities, not priceless items. You must accept that what you have to offer — important as you think it is — might be of little interest to the opposite sex.
Women, for instance, routinely get enraged when they count off how they’re “educated, successful, independent” yet single — not realizing that men (especially the most desirable ones) place a much higher premium on looks, fertility (read: age), femininity, supportiveness, and good sex.
(Read: Girl Game)
Before you get angry at me, remember I didn’t make the rules. I just observe them. If you disagree, ask yourself: Has a woman who prioritized the latter over the former ever had a difficult time finding and keeping a top-tier man? It may not be fair, and culture may have lied to you about it (which may have led to less than ideal life choices), but this is reality. You can either boycott the marketplace or give it what it wants. You cannot impose your will on it. Attraction is not a choice.
This goes equally for men, who have their own modern form of self-delusion. I hear all the time “I’ve got a stable job, I’m a gentlemen, and I’m open about communicating my feelings — why don’t women care about any of that?”
Well, maybe they do — but only if they’re accessory (and subordinate) to things like a dominant frame, high status, great body, and an ability to control your emotions. Lack those, and being a “nice guy” is romantically irrelevant — even counterproductive.
(Pro Tip: If you want to get what you want in dating, don’t listen to what women say, watch how they respond.)
What you have to imbue deep into you head is that just because *you* value something, it does not mean it is valued by other people (or at least, valued as much). Good qualities are good qualities, but some things are the cake and other things are the icing. You need to cover the essentials before people will pay attention to your unique bonus features. Indeed, *that* is when they begin to shine.
Might not pleasant, but if you want a good dating life it needs to be said… and accepted.
Step #3 To Get What You Want In Dating: Accept, And Release The Anger
If you continued reading after that difficult section, I applaud you. Many people have probably by now closed the tab and developed judgments about me… and probably the opposite sex as well.
That’s OK. Anger is a normal and natural response.
But unfortunately, this is also where many people get stuck.
Knowing the truth is important, but hating the truth is as futile as hating the changing of the seasons.
If you let your “red pill” become a poison pill your will never get what you want in dating. Indeed, your dating life might even get worse.
(Read: How To Create What You Hate)
The energy you resonate is as responsible for attraction as the awareness you have.
Negative people attract toxic people, a process that can create a vicious cycle of bad, bitterness-creating interactions.
A crucial mistake.
Every guy I know who is good with women loves women.
They understand women are different than men (and want different things than them), but accept them in spite of it. Indeed, that is *why* they love them.
It doesn’t matter how much you make if you lack this. Stay angry if you want to stay alone.
Step #4 To Get What You Want In Dating: Put Yourself Out There Constantly
Now that you’ve come to terms with the truth about women, it’s time to expose yourself to that truth in real time. One common failing of men in my corner of the internet is avoiding the real world, electing to talk theory on the internet instead.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that won’t get you what you want in dating.
Unless you can use what you’ve learned, it’s useless. You are cannot become a savant with women if you don’t spend time around them. Take insights from others, improvise, and apply them. But most importantly: just get out in the arena.
(Read: The Fastest Way To Overcome Approach Anxiety)
The mind is an interesting thing. So long as you approach your interactions with women with awareness, it doesn’t matter what you know going in — exposure will make you improve.
So make new friends, throw parties, and make talking to women a regular feature of your day to day.
Online dating is fine, but online dating won’t teach you nearly as much about women, and can be a massive time suck.
Meeting girls in person is better — it will inoculate you against rejection and make you more confident overall.
And perhaps most importantly: lead to more relationships that actually go somewhere.
Step #5 To Get What You Want In Dating: Focus On The Quality Leads You Get
Ask any person who’s been dating for awhile now, and they’ll complain about burnout.
They lose their enthusiasm for dating — and even interest in seeing people.
Part of this is overexposure. You spend enough time dating, the novelty of any new person wears off.
But the larger problem here is you’re so inundated with other possibilities you don’t focus on what’s in front of you.
It’s good to date multiple people at once (you don’t want to get tunnel vision on any one girl), but for 80% of guys the quality (and subjective enjoyment) of your romantic experiences is going to decline if you are putting more time and energy into finding new girls than on getting to know the one’s you’re actually dating.
It’s a balance for sure, and everybody has their own limits (and objectives). But make sure you don’t get distracted by the options and become numb. For most guys three or four girls is the maximum they can date while still having having the dates be worthwhile. Usually less.
Play around with this and see what works for you.
If you’re feeling like you’re dating for the sake of it, it means you’re probably overdoing it… which means you won’t get what you want in dating.
And if you’re going on a lot of first dates but not too many later ones (and the few you do aren’t so great), stop and reflect.
(Read: How To Tell If You Had A Good First Date)
It probably means you’re not doing a great job connecting emotionally with the women you’re seeing.
And even worse: wasting time that could be put towards better pursuits.
Step #6 To Get What You Want In Dating: Live A Dynamic, Purposeful Life
Learning game and putting yourself out there will get you *most* of what you want in dating faster than you think. But to keep women (and attract the high quality ones for more than a fling) that’s not enough. You need to also build a life that is both impressive and engaging.
It’s ok at first to use women to motivate you in this area. Men would be lying if they claimed they weren’t ambitious on some level to seek the favor of women. Human accomplishment is largely converted sexual energy.
(Read: Why You Need Ambition)
But you need to be careful. Realizing that doing thing A gets you thing B will make you start doing thing A only to get thing B. Beware: Transactional actions are trojan horses, and are the sneaky way a man loses his frame. Learn to enjoy growth for the sake of it; focus on the process not the outcome.
The more interesting your life is — and most importantly, the more you enjoy it — the more appealing you will be to women. And the more likely you will get *all* of what you want in dating.
Because not only will you be radiating authenticity and alignment, but appeal.
A lifestyle of fun and freedom, meaning and momentum is what women want to be apart of.
Get this under control and you’ll find you’re attracting the girls you want without doing anything. For once, your dating life will become automatically abundant. As it should!
But there’s one last test ahead. Make sure you pass it — or it’ll all slip away.
Step #7 To Get What You Want In Dating: Remember The Game Never Ends
When you get to Step 6 you are going to have not simply options, but quality options. Living life on your edge breaks down your own boundaries and makes you start to find out who you “really” are.
And there’s something about that place of total alignment that brings the women you really crave towards you.
Whether it’s a lifelong partner or a series of deeper liaisons, what you want in dating is yours to take.
The only risk is complacency.
When most guys find the girl of their dreams, they think they’ve “won” the game.
Wrong.
It’s just beginning.
Long term relationships require you to be at a higher level than flings, because any weakness in your frame will be detected. If you take it easy, your woman will sense it. And she will “punish” you with bad behavior.
(Read: 5 Rules For Great Sex In A Relationship)
It’s tough when you’re getting everything you wanted (and more) to keep pushing your boundaries. But you must. The truth is, it was the drive that attracted the girl — and it was the drive that made YOU fulfilled.
Slow down, and you’ll feel the consequences. Getting what you want in dating requires constant vigilance.
The game doesn’t end until you die.
– Pat
PS If you follow these seven steps, you’ll reach that top level in your relationship that few men dream of. But the precursor to it all is having the right mindset. Contact me for coaching if you want to get that handled.
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