THINKING OF BREAKING UP? ASK THIS QUESTION FIRST
It’s no secret – many guys have MAJOR problems with their girlfriends.
I hear it all the time:
Constantly getting nagged…
Not having the sex they want…
Frequent fighting…
Boredom and lack of fulfillment…
To be fair these are things common to most relationships at least for moments.
And in these moments it’s easy to think – is this relationship really for me? My partner is not making me happy, maybe I need to find someone else or cast out on my own? Should I be thinking of breaking up?
These questions are understandable. You SHOULD care about the quality of your relationship and try to make it the best it can be. And if it can’t improve to your satisfaction – if it isn’t making you unhappy – you have every right to go off elsewhere. Thinking of breaking up makes sense. Remaining in something you hate is neither healthy or pleasant for you or your girlfriend; no one wants to be chained to someone who isn’t satisfied with them.
So if this describes you – fair enough. Thinking of breaking up may be the right choice.
Just make sure before you take the step that you’re not confusing problems you have with yourself with your woman.
Tip of the Day: It is impossible to accurately judge whether a relationship is right for you when you are not right with yourself.
Insecure people are always searching for validation. This is especially true romantically, as they are incapable of meeting their own needs. A loving partner who “gets them and will fulfill them” is a fantasy all insecure people have.
And it’s also how dependent, or in the case of both parties bearing the affliction, codependent, relationships get created.
Yet anyone who’s been in a codependent relationship (me!) knows – there is nothing fulfilling about them. High expectations, hypersensitivity, defensiveness, jealousy, and possessiveness are the norm. All those needs – constantly shifting in nature as they are – just can’t be met, and the inability of one’s partner to do it is a recipe for resentment and unhappiness. It’s inevitable in such relationships that at some point you’ll start thinking of breaking up
Which is why if YOU are one of those insecure people, whenever you feel like your partner is not meeting your needs – whenever you’re thinking of breaking up – you need to ask yourself first: am I showing up fully in my life? And if not, how can I better?
More often than not, our happiness stems not from other people but from our relationship with ourselves and how we are showing up in the world.
There’s a reason people stressed out by external circumstances tend to have less healthy relationships and suffer a disproportionate number of breakups and divorce: They are unhappy with their world and themselves, and are taking it out on the their partner.
Sometimes circumstances are out of our control and this is unfortunate. In these cases it’s important to keep perspective about why we’re really upset and not project it onto those we love. Not only does it never make things better, it’s a fast-track way to destroying otherwise good, stable relationships and support structures.
But in most circumstances, reality is pretty ok, and even if it’s not we have the power to change it. In these cases, the only thing out of control is us.
Bad habits, bad mindsets, and bad attitudes can all lead us to these less-than-ideal personal experiences. Yet rather than reflect on and deal with the dissatisfaction our actions are creating, we project it outward on our partners. And we start thinking of breaking up with them.
Not only isn’t this right, it’s stupid.
If the problem is you, thinking of breaking up won’t make you feel better. Indeed, it might make you feel worse.
There’s a reason why you’re supposed to watch out for girls who just got out of a relationship and want to get into a new one with you, especially if they have a track record of the behavior. Serial monogamists are usually needy people who depend upon a partner to fulfill them.
They simply cannot be alone. They can’t see their patterns; they can’t see the degree to which they are making themselves unhappy, and so they are constantly searching for the guy who will fix it for them.
They are delusional.
Your mind is a rationalization machine. And one of it’s favorite rationalizations is “they are the problem, not me.”
If you are in a bad mood because you suck, 90% of the things someone else says to you will piss you off, regardless of their content or intention.
Even if you have the strength of mind to be aware of this, subconsciously you will find this contemptibility impossible to wholly resist. When we are unhappy, the world looks dark and we despise the people in it and around us. We even start thinking of breaking up with the ones we care about.
Yet if you are unhappy, the issue is you, NOT the people and the world around you. Blaming them is futile and will only leave you more alone and upset than ever.
Focus on dealing with what YOU are doing first. Find ways YOU can make yourself fulfilled.
Maybe your woman is an impediment to your life, maybe she’s not. Maybe you thinking of breaking up is a good thing; maybe you should be breaking up. But you will never know that until you get your own house in order.
Mood is contagious. The more negative you are; the more negative you will make your partner, creating a vicious cycle. Focus on the positive and turn the cycle around.
Just as negative emotions create negative interpretations, positive emotions create positive ones.
If you are happy with how you are showing up in the world and are excited for the day, chances are you will be happy and excited for your relationship – especially since your positive emotions will be contagious to her and will bounce more positivity back to you. You will not be thinking of breaking up.
It’s only when your life is good in every way except your relationship that you know something is really wrong with your dynamic; that you should be thinking of breaking up. That’s the red flag you’re looking for, not simply that you’re “not happy.”
Miserable people make miserable relationships. Is your relationship the thing in your life you are most dissatisfied with? Is that the real reason you’re thinking of breaking up?
Negativity in one area reverberates across our lives. To get clear on what’s really bothering you, ask yourself if your relationship is really the worst thing going on in your life.
If it’s not, then chances are the relationship is not really the problem. It’s that other thing or things that are making you upset. Thinking of breaking up won’t fix things – indeed it might make them work. Instead, deal with those other areas, and then and only then go back to looking at the relationship and see how you feel – then you’ll have clarity.
This alone probably would fix the vast majority of relationships, as problems would disappear on their own with the negativity. We would never have the need to start thinking of breaking up. Yet we are selfish, self-absorbed creatures who have a hard time taking responsibility – which is a shame not only because of the pain breaking up creates, but because breaking up rarely leads to actually fixing the problem. 80% of guys who end relationships because their life sucks in some deep way will get into a similar relationship after and experience the same dissatisfaction again. They never dealt with where their problems were really coming from, so they are doomed to repeat them.
You control your life, and you are responsible for your mood – not anybody else.
Realistically, all but the most evolved of us create at least some expectations for others. We are needy children at heart and we expect others to give us what we want.
We need to remind ourselves that we are responsible for how we feel and to always look inward before casting stones towards others.
No one will complete you but yourself. No one will fulfill you but yourself.
Make sure you’re happy with yourself before thinking of breaking up.
And even better – make sure you’re happy with yourself before getting together in the first place. I promise – it will save you a world of trouble.
– Pat
