Yet another provocation on the timeline turned up the other day. Anddd I’ve got a couple things to say about this one.
(Highlights in text so no need to watch if you don’t want to)
Let’s dissect this bit by bit:
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“If he touches you on the first date, he’s not that into you. A guy who’s 100% into you will be slightly scared of you on the 1st date.”
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Is it normal for guys to have some nerves when they approach a girl they like? Sure. And I suppose you can describe this feeling of tension as “slightly scared.”
But does this have any bearing on whether or not this guy will escalate?
If the guy has a shred of manhood in him, nope.
Either the woman is unaware that the crux of masculinity is the ability to act under tension, or she is indicting she in fact prefers a guy who is unable to move things forward. It seems she wants a guy who is a) intimidated by her and b) cannot act under fear.
Why would she want a guy like this?
I’m going to be brutal with this one. But you only ever see this kind of advice coming from older women. It is unnatural to female instinct to pick men who are trepidatious, which is why younger girls essentially always pick the more assertive guy.
So where does this advice come from?
Most of their lives these women fell for the more assertive men who made moves on them. “Giving themselves away” rarely led to any meaningful relationship outcomes, however, and especially as they got older and these outcomes diminished further, it began to affect their self-esteem.
So in order to take their power back, they decided to start only dating men they had leverage over. This gave them the benefit of not getting dumped, and the power of being the chooser. But most importantly it was ego-gratifying. Dating guys who were scared of them made them feel valuable again. Even if these guys were less desirable, the self-confidence boost made it worth the trade-off.
Now, you might wonder… why is this such a bad thing? What these women are basically advising to young girls is “don’t make my mistake.” Maybe it is a bit anti-instinctual, but young people make dumb decisions. Persuading women not to give themselves over to passion protects their virtue. In the long term, they will be more respected by these guys who put them on a pedestal, and can rest assured he won’t go anywhere.
I get all of this, obviously. It’s in essence the red pill trope “alpha fux, beta bux” with some victorian window dressing.
But the point of contention isn’t whether women should let themselves be used over and over again. It’s about the mechanism in which they prevent this.
Telling girls to only date guys who are afraid of them is like telling dudes to only date fat girls because they’re so desperate they’ll stay loyal and treat you well. It’s settling.
Personally, I don’t think it matters whether or not a guy kisses a girl on a first date. Often I didn’t do this, even when I liked the girl and the chemistry was there. But I always made it clear I could have kissed her if I wanted to.
I made sure to create the tension, and used my own judgment at that time whether to seek resolution then via a kiss, or to hold it in the backdrop until our next date.
I was not worried about rejection. If she didn’t want to kiss then, she could always turn away and say “not yet.” That is the prerogative of the woman, to put the brakes on the interaction — just like it is the man’s prerogative to move the interaction forward.
In other words, the focus of the advice should be on women maintaining stronger boundaries. Not on choosing men who are too afraid to go after what they want.
The video goes on:
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“Guys who just want to have sex with you aren’t going to immediately push you into a bed. They’re going to escalate the level of touch to see how much you’re going to take, how much you’re going to accept, how much you’re going to say yes to.
Their intention is to get you into bed, and they don’t want to waste any time. If you’re going to turn down those little touches, if you’re not going to say yes to a first kiss, on the first date, they’re going to say goodbye — I’m here to get what I want, when I want it.
Men who are intent on a committed long term relationship, who look at you and go ‘ooh something about that girl’ don’t want to risk turning you off — don’t want to risk offending your boundaries”
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This is quite the straw man argument. Yes, it’s true that guys will escalate physically to see how much of it you will take. And yes, on a short or medium term basis their intention is to get you into bed. Guys who think you’re attractive and take you out on a date want to fuck you… shocker.
But will these guys necessarily say goodbye if you turn them down? NO.
When a man escalates, on a certain level he is TESTING the woman. What kind of woman is she? How she responds determines not only his subsequent calibration, but his level of investment. If she stalls his advances, but manages to keep the tension high… in many cases he will gradually find himself falling for her.
And her him. Because all women want to be desired. This is an archetypal drive and the theme of every romance novel that has ever existed: attractive emotionally distant man is overcome by desire for a woman and can’t help himself. It is Mr. Darcy falling for Elizabeth, Christian Grey for Anastasia — The Beast for the Beauty.
None of these men that captured these women’s hearts were afraid to “offend” or “risk” a negative reaction from them — indeed such a violation was part of the flirtation, because you cannot have desire without transgression.
Which is why it’s odd the opposite actions are being put out by these women as the ideal. Worrying whether you will offend a woman is neurotic and not attractive. It is in fact classic “nice guy” behavior, and following it will not only sabotage your dating life, it will make any future relationship you do happen to get into depolarized and filled with resentment. “Nice guys” are only appealing to narcissistic women, who require your weakness to protect their inflated sense of self.
So I will repeat: the only thing women really need to consider are their boundaries.
Guys just interested in sex will leave if women say no to their advances. Guys interested will stay — within reason.
This is the dance of masculine and feminine. She shows him the line; gradually he attempts to cross it. Her sex becomes his edge, and she comes to loves him for it.
And if you want to learn more about this dance? And how to master it in your own love life?
Buy my masterclass.
It’s 18.5 hours now. But as I’ve said — I have many more hours to add to it. When this happens, the price will go up accordingly. Those who already own it get all the new content for free.
You can buy it here: https://masterclass.patstedman.com/sales-page
– Pat
