One of the biggest questions I get on periscopes (almost every week it seems) is about women’s “n-count” and “sexual past,” what it means, and how they should judge a girl on it.
I’m not going to really go much into this now. I’ve gone over it so much I think there is scarcely anything else to be said:
There is a modern context to dating that involves some degree of sleeping around, and women are humans on their own journey — who go through phases, and make mistakes. What you are looking for most with a woman is that she is not reckless, and that she doesn’t treat her body as cheap.
And yet there is another aspect to this whole conversation that most men don’t consider, and hasn’t been much addressed.
Are you more concerned with a woman’s sexual past, or are you concerned with getting her sexual best?
Most guys would say “both, obviously.” One of the primary reasons they care, after all, is the sense of comparison to another guy. It’s the same (dumb) reason guys will ask women about her past partners dick size (erroneous as it may have been to the quality of her sex).
But there’s a problem here.
Because you can’t expect a girl to give you her sexual best when you are threatened — and thus shame her — for her own sexual fantasies and explorations.
I’ve seen this happen countless times with clients.
They have great sex with a girl, and want to spice things up more.
So they start to ask said girl all sorts of features about her sexuality… what she’s done, what she’d like to do…
Generally the first time around this is a hot conversation… that is, until she says something a bit more crazy than the guy imagined.
Maybe she doesn’t just want to get into some soft BDSM… maybe she wants to be gangbanged… hell, maybe she already HAS been gangbanged.
What then?
Well, you don’t need to say: “sure babe, whatever you want.” Talking of fantasies does not require you to indulge in them.
Indeed, it’s quite natural in the case of the latter that you might find yourself de-vesting from the relationship.
Who could blame you?
But the point here is not to tell you what to do, but to illustrate the paradox.
Most guys SAY they want this dark sexual side of a woman, but the truth is they actually can’t handle it.
They think of their women as madonnas or whores.
And even if they want sex with their madonna to be a step above vanilla, and allow some degree of exploration… they struggle to allow her to fully let out her whore. Because THEY are ashamed of committing to such a woman.
Which is why most women don’t let out that side… at least, with the guys they ultimately get serious with.
In fact, most women lie about MANY OTHER THINGS to their men… because what would happen if she told him the truth?Most women don’t want to hurt their man’s ego; they don’t want to jeopardize the connection. They fear being REJECTED or ABANDONED if they have open and honest conversation with him.
So they lie.
What to do?
Well, I can’t decide for you…
This is a line every man must decide to mark for himself.
However, I’d encourage many of you, as you elevate your discernment… to also drop some of your judgment.
Because in many ways, the judgement is a sign of FEAR rather than actual awareness of who the girl is.
No, that DOESN’T mean settle for broken women. It DOESN’T mean taking on a girl with serious mileage whose made reckless decisions her whole life, and only recently had a “change of heart.”
But it does mean understanding that if you want a woman to surrender fully to you…
… she needs to know that she can fully TRUST you.
And that means accepting her not only her light, but her shadow.
Anyway, enough for today.
If you want help building a relationship like this, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
