I put out a tweet the other day that got quite a bit of traction:
The responses, as you might guess, ran the gauntlet. Tons of guys had nothing to say except the usual depressing, deselected male refrain: “women never love you, they only love you for what you give them” — the radical “red pill” rationalization for their own failures.
Meanwhile, other women had quite an opposite impression:
So what mean?
Well as you might expect… there is some context and nuance to all of this.
First of all, I hate to say it… but some people do “see” each other on a deeper, soul-level from the moment they meet. They feel a natural connection and familiarity, and within weeks, they just “know” they were meant to be together.
I know it sounds like a fairy-tale, but I’ve seen it, and it can’t be denied — even while at the same time it can’t be expected.
But even when such esoteric attraction isn’t at play… culture and timing can make two people feel like they are right for each other in a very rapid amount of time… especially when sex is not in the picture (because sex clouds judgment, and can make a couple feel closer than their compatibility actually indicates).
And yet there’s something actual more obvious going on here — something that is in most cases the most relevant factor.
Which is that you can have a “fantasy” love for someone that turns out to correspond more or less with reality.
Remember, unhealthy people tend to have terrible relationships because they have terrible relationships with themselves.
And because they don’t like themselves, they are more likely to project a fantasy onto other people.
This is why mentally unhealthy people fall “so hard” for others.
But even with healthy people it’s natural to fantasize to some extent with a new person you really like.
You don’t have that need for them that unhealthy people have, but your mind still will fill in the blanks with positives about this other person.
Which is why healthy people also have honeymoon periods… even though they are just not as intense.
The benefit of this, however, is that the comedown is also much smoother.
And what you tend to see happen is that as the fantasy dissolves, satisfaction with the relationship remains… or even increases.
Because the person you have ended up with complements you well, and you feel not only attracted to them but understood.
The point of all of this?
You may fall in love with someone quickly and find that the relationship survives and thrives even though what you fell in love with initially was mostly a fantasy.
Indeed, you may even find that in some ways the person is better than you imagined, because they helped you grow in ways you didn’t know you needed.
Anyway, I think you get the idea.
Love is real… and it can not only be found, but grown.
If you want help finding it, or expanding it in your current relationship…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
