So last night I was at a media mixer, talking about the state of dating, relationships, all that good stuff.
One of the other attendees was a woman who turned out to be a divorce lawyer.
And boy did she have some interesting stories to tell.
Now, I know a lot of you have this “knee jerk” instinct to assume that a female lawyer is automatically going to be pro-female.
The reality is a bit more mixed though.
Most high-level lawyers are pretty tough, logical, masculine even.
They are Ann Coulter-ish characters who deal with facts.
This woman was no different, and was more than happy to share some details with me, without an agenda.
First, she concurred with the data that women overwhelmingly initiate the divorces. And actually went so far as to blame them in most of the cases.
Understand this woman doesn’t litigate anymore. She found it too brutal.
She does mediation. So it’s not as if she’s one of those female lawyers who only works with men, and has a professional bias.
What she found is that the divorces fell into two categories:
– Guys who worked too much, were emotionally unavailable, too controlling
– Guys who were good family men, showed up, but were hen-pecked to death by their wives, and ultimately didn’t have any respect in the relationship
Often type B) were also no longer the breadwinners. She mentioned in a couple of cases the women were making $3-4 million per year, meanwhile the husbands were “only” raking in a couple hundred thousand dollars.
(Crazy I know, but remember this is Manhattan)
These women had contempt for their husbands, and indeed demanded “post-nuptial” agreements so that she did not have to give much money to them.
The lawyer commented that this effectively never happened in the reverse — the men just wanted everyone to leave happy.
Finally, post divorce… these women almost never remarried (though she claimed they were happy). Meanwhile, the men almost always did within a few years… and to women much younger.
Pretty interesting, no? You might just think I swallowed the red pill with the content of this email. HYPERGAMY is rubbing its greasy bum all over the place.
But as always, my friends, I remind you that you must interpret such stories in their context.
You must think with nuance.
First of all, what we are dealing with in Manhattan is high-powered, wealthy women — women who have an enormous amount of leverage.
Their desire to jump doesn’t just have to do with hypergamy, but with their self-sufficiency.
I know — women can “divorce rape” men even when they don’t have this.
(I actually was the second person to tell this lawyer the term, after her father, who claimed her mother did it to him… she didn’t know what he meant)
But when you literally have your own private chef and nanny, and you make 80% of the income… the downside for a woman cutting out a man she’s not attracted to are pretty low.
Now, could these guys have competed in their situation?
Sure. I don’t know their fitness level, but I’m assuming many of these guys were not in top shape. Aesthetics are your only preselection competition against Status (why a lot of hot young men are getting older successful women). And judging by their described behavior, these guys allowed themselves to be emasculated… they had no game.
I know — the crosswinds were extreme for these men.
But remember this is not a common scenario, even today with many women doing better financially.
Your average breadwinner guy who gets “divorced rape” did not do the above and if he had, the chances are VERY high their marriage would not only be saved but transformed. His leverage is different.
And yet… everything we just discussed is not the most important takeaway from the conversation with the woman.
Because most of you on this list “know” about what happens to guys who get all beta, needy, supplicating, anxious etc.
The REAL lesson is found in case a). Which she admitted was just as common as the latter.
These guys were hard-working, high-powered, not little bitches about their emotions.
But they were also distant. Controlling.
Something yours truly might call, avoidant.
And a little too close to what your red pill circle jerk would describe as ideal “alpha” male behavior.
Which is the point I want to make to you gentlemen today.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
A lot of guys who go through a shitty relationship draw the wrong conclusions.
“Before I was an needy bitch who did everything women asked. Now I do what I want, and she better follow.”
Well, look.
That latter behavior works for hook ups with insecure women.
Over the long term in a relationship, it becomes a bit of a problem.
The desire and comfort are not calibrated.
And the woman becomes unhappy yet again, simply this time for different reasons.
The solution?
Reject the “red pill” vs “blue pill” paradigm all together. Because it is truly bullshit my friends.
It’s a power-dynamic which doesn’t lead to fulfillment and happiness.
You need to transcend it.
Yes, you need to become strong and masculine… you need to be assertive, dependable… your frame needs to be something she respects.
Yet you need to get in touch with your emotions as a man — NOT so you can vent them to your woman like a bitch — but so you can OWN them and both know and accept yourself.
You need to become dominant not only biologically but psychologically.
And you can’t effectively do the latter when you repress parts of yourself.
Anyway, not a topic many guys talk about.
Just a little too complex. Perhaps a bit too scary.
Easier to either blurt out watered down mainstream talking points, or to LARP about being “alpha” like a tough guy.
Safer to address half the problem rather than the full one.
Oh well.
I don’t try to save them all. I can’t.
Most people don’t do anything to change their lives. Others make one change after a crisis and think they’ve got it “figured out” all over again.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
Only a very tiny few have the curiosity to consider questioning after progress is made.
Who want to peel back each layer of the onion, and never get tired of the process…
Who are determined to become the best version of themselves they can be, regardless of what beliefs have to be discarded along the way…
Those are my clients.
If you want to be one of them, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
