So to continue with these 80s movies themes, last week I also saw the Breakfast Club.
Which turned out to be a very, very interesting exploration of sexual psychology.
Let’s talk first about the biggest character in the film, Bender.
Bender is a grungy, edgy guy who dresses like a rockstar, does drugs, disrespects authority, and has a capacity for violence.
You’d think he’d be disgusting to women, compared to the other main male character — Andrew (the “jock”).
And in fact… you see this assumption first hand when Andrew tries to get in the way of Bender when he insults and violates the perfect, popular, “princess” girl (Claire).
Andrew’s doing what a girl like Claire wants a guy to do, right?
Well… not so much.
You see, attraction is a complicated thing.Bender is a degenerate with emotional problems. But he’s bold and has a wild energy that women love.
(Think Ferris Bueller from yesterday — though much less healthy)
Andrew, in contrast, might have all the preselection in the world… being a cool athlete…
But he doesn’t have that edge.
In contrast, he does exactly what he’s supposed to do — what he’s told.
Indeed: the Breakfast Club provides an interesting little battle between Persona and Preselection first hand.
In a regular environment, Preselection usually beats Persona. There are high social risks involved for a woman to be with a guy who’s a loser — if she hooks up with him, it has to be in secret.
(Hence why women tend to hook up with “pick up artists” and players only when traveling, or in places where such interactions can be anonymized. Unless you’re experienced, be careful trying to “game” girls at parties!)
But in a small environment where no one can judge, the effects of status and power are muted… because Preselection depends so much upon what others think.
Thus on a one-on-one fight, Persona (game) tends to win.Which is exactly what happened in the film.
Bender continues to insult Claire, and do obnoxious things to create problems for her. He even looks up her dress.
And yet… you can see she gradually falls for him.
(Especially when she finds out all the turmoil he’s been through. Women love it when their aggressive man is really sensitive at heart… perhaps only they can save him…)
Bender represents for Claire an escape from boredom and minutia… from “status games” and everyone behaving properly. Bender provides the Persona she’s been sorely missing.
He’s exactly the sort of guy she wants to sneak off with and lose her virginity to.
(Again… the classic hollywood ESTP)
Meanwhile, Andrew has a little romance of his own with Allison (“the basketcase”)
This girl is super weird and crazy. Completely ignored and friendless.
The perfect person for Andrew to attract with his kindness and high Preselection.
Understand, Andrew is a “white knight” at heart.
He feels a duty to do the right thing, and struggles to find any vision for himself (classic ISTJ issue).
Which makes him rescue girls reactively.
He starts off with Claire.
But it becomes pretty clear at a certain point that Claire isn’t really interested.
Allison, on the other hand, has very low self-esteem.
And Andrew’s perceived value is SO HIGH that him being kind to her is extremely attractive to her.
(Note if he was at a lower level, like Bender, he’d have to be more of a dick to even the status playing field)
So they fall for each other — her seemingly loving him unconditionally, him rescuing her from social isolation and a lack of male attention.
And so everyone lives happily ever after, right?
Wrong.
But Hollywood does this all the time with movies.
They create fantasies of opposite personalities, and try to make it seem like they are pure love stories.
Nope!
Claire and Bender might last for a couple of months, more like 2 weeks.
She’ll be embarrassed to be with him on Monday, and will find herself in a complicated social situation with her friends. He’ll get angry and meltdown, probably hit her. To the extent that their relationship lasts it will be filled with verbal and physical abuse.
Similarly, Andrew and Allison will suffer a slow collapse in their relationship.
He’ll introduce her to his friends, they’ll be cool, and Andrew will start to gradually distance himself from his group… in an effort to protect Allison. Eventually Andrew will stop being cool, and they will find they have nothing in common.
In both cases, the relationship ends and the less stable parties drag down the other ones.
Which means for you?
Well a lot of things. This email is mostly a shotgun lesson because there are so many different things to be drawn from it.
What I want to ram home for you is that a lot of relationships are situational and based on fantasy.
And should not be attempted in real life.
Because they will almost certainly end in tragedy.
Look, there’s a reason relationships and marriages fall apart so much today, when they didn’t in the past…
And it’s not just “culture” and divorce laws.In the past people got married for more practical reasons. And love emerged from there.
Today people fixate on romance.
Which, unfortunately, for 80% is just some sort of escape / fantasy that they eventually come down from, hard.
It’s a failure of being able to see people as they are… and a failure for being able to understand themselves.
And guess what friends?
If you lack this insight you’re basically f*&ked when it comes to having a successful relationship.
Because you or her will experience serious disillusionment at the end of the honeymoon phase.
And when that relationship collapses, you will make the same mistake again.
Because you don’t understand what you *or* the woman is really attracted to.
If you want a good relationship, you need to have a good relationship with yourself.
And that starts with understanding yourself.
Knowing why you want the things you want… why you’re insecure about some things…
And it also means being able to discern the same sorts of issues in women.
Cause if you get a woman who doesn’t love you for you, but loves the fantasy you’re allowing her…
Well, you’re gonna lose that love. And experience heartbreak after heartbreak.
If you want to avoid it, there’s only one thing to do.
Learn.
And there’s no more rapid and comprehensive way to do that than to have a mentor who shows you your blindspots and teaches you the psychology of how women operate.
(You might just call it a “cheat code” for happy relationships.)
Go here if you want them: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
