As you recall… the other weekend I was out with El Hutt (you remember the sugar baby story, right?), but things were getting late… and at this point in the night things had pretty much run their course.

So we were drunk and on a train heading back to home base.

We sat in separate rows, and Hutt promptly took a nap.

I was mostly thinking, processing the events that happened, when I noticed the girl across the aisle.

She was an attractive girl. Very fit, and looked more or less classic South Jersey phenotype (Irish-Italian) with an above-average amount of Italian.

More important to me, however, was that she was chewing some gum… and I wanted some.

So I asked her.

“I hate to bother you, but… do you have any more of that.”

She looked confused, and I told her “the gum.”

(Note the pause. I built tension in the pacing of the question… and in the ambiguity of what I was asking.)

“Oh! Sure!” she said, as she fumbled through her bag. It was clear she was nervous, and likely found me attractive. (This is something to pay attention to whenever you approach women. Once you see she’s self-conscious, you know she’s interested or at a minimum very receptive to your advances.)

I took the gum, looked her in the eyes and thanked her. And then I sat back.

Now, as you all know I’m a happily married guy — and the truth was, I really did just want some gum. Though I admit it’s fun to dust off the cobwebs when the opportunity arises.

And as I talk about time and time again, I can read when an interaction has potential, and when it does not.

So I asked her if she was from around here.

(This is always an easy segue in conversations. Small talk “questions” get a bad rap, but understand — it’s about the energy and intention when you ask. Moreover: if you’re from around the same place, you have a real shot at commonality.)

And it turned out we went to the same high school. (albeit, her about a decade after me)

I messed with her a bit after this, if X teacher was still around, etc… but again, sat back.

(When you’re in a fixed location on a train like this, and you know the stop you both have to get off at, you have the power of timing an interaction perfectly. Great takeaway for those of you who want to try “subway” game)

She said something, I couldn’t hear her, and asked her to repeat it. She said it again and it was still difficult, and so I told her “you’re too far away.”

Now, often in this situation you want to go direct and tell her to do something… (this is called a “compliance test” — a great way to assert frame.) So normally you’d want to say something like “I can’t hear you, come over here.”

But indirect comments are more natural to me as ENTP — we’re “informative” types. Moreover, less is more when you’ve already got her attention.

So I was more subtle. I moved back a bit from her, as if I might give up on the conversation.

She paused for a moment, as if to reconsider her aggressiveness, and then rushed over to sit down right next to me.

Ha.

I was in the “red zone.”

If I was single, it would have been an easy phone number and date. So long as I kept the tension when we next hung out, a hook up would be all but assured. I’d need more data to be certain, but she appeared to be a solid “Tier 2” girl.

Anyway, this email was supposed to be about what I screwed up, right?

So here’s what happened.

We got into career. And, partly due to being a little rusty, and mostly due to me being boozed up, I let the topic drift too much to my career.

Being a dating coach is a double edged sword when it comes not only to women. It’s very intriguing and can get some great conversations going about dating and sex, and the problems with modern men (this is the positioning you want)… and automatically carries with it a certain amount of preselection (you help guys with women, you must get them).

But there are two traps as well. The first is that the girl might start to fixate on it to the detriment of the dynamic. Aka, she tries to “get your advice” or probe (this mostly only happens with girls who haven’t hooked, however, and this wasn’t relevant in this case.)

The latter is that YOU build it up too much, and come across as too proud and cocky. Not that cocky is a bad thing with women.

(quite the opposite, really)

And since I was making her guess, I was building up my profession too much. Making her feel like I was too invested in my skills with women.

But subcommunication is everything.

(This is a HUGE TRAP you don’t want to fall into. Don’t be “the player,” the player gets the reputation of getting laid when in truth, hardly no one sleeps with him)

Plus, there was a slight screw-up with the train timing… so my “plan” of telling her as I left the train, never to see her again, didn’t work out so smoothly… I had to get the ol’ Hutt up (no easy feat), and the train stopped before the station… so there were a couple of extra seconds of awkward lag time.

I connected with her eyes as I walked out, and smirked. But I left the train pretty sure I had made a blunder.

I had started smelling my own shit and getting egotistical, instead of keeping the focus on flirting and finding out more about her.

Not a big deal in the end, of course.

I wasn’t going to get her number.

(There are certain paths committed men don’t take)

And, if I had wanted to actually do something with her, I would have played the scenario differently.

(Options: I would have deflected the topic and kept the number close simple, or leveraged my secret profession for a number and date the next day. It was mine to lose, really.)

So whateves.

Even a pro’s entitled to make some mistakes, right?

Well, apparently not.

When I wrote down the outline for this email, I thought I had botched the end of that interaction… and was going to use it as a teachable moment as to what-not to do for youz.

Only to discover, 2 days later, a friend request from the girl.

She must have used the brief information I had told her about my year and our high school to find me.

(Women are persistent when they want something…)

Guess the old guy’s still got it.

But the scenario is really a great example of why, despite my tactical inclinations, I talk so much about strategy.

I got the macro right with the girl, so I had a large room for error.

Girls literally ignore your mistakes or rationalize them in your favor when they like you.

(This is why the line between creepy and romantic is so blurred at times…)

Which is why I do “big picture” frame-thinking with my clients for foundational work.

Yes, we talk in the detail of things such as the above.

It’s only through breaking down interactions that you can understand subtext… which is essential to detecting patterns… which is basically what allows you to read people.

(A god-like power I possess, and can pass onto you)

But the real thing I love doing for clients?

Getting them to take women out of the drivers seat.

To kill their fear.

This is the magic. Because it’s permanent.

It makes getting a new quality girl is as easy as asking for gum on a train.

Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat