I heard a story the other night that, like many otherwise innocuous tales, seemed mild on the surface but caused me some concern.
It was about an older friend’s son. He’s about my age.
I haven’t met him. And don’t know anything about him personally, except that which I was told.
But he’s married, and is in a bit of a predicament with his wife.
They were considering moving to a house in Philadelphia, to buy.
But the house was a bit more expensive than they had anticipated. So “they” decided to move in with his parents for awhile to save money.
Since then, she’s gotten an offer to work in NYC. They pay and opportunities are better but it would obviously be a long trek.
But he doesn’t want to go.
So now she’s subletting a place there, while he stays with his parents. They are to visit each other on weekends.
Can you spot the problem here?
The woman is becoming more independent, making more money, in a more sexy place… while son is stagnant with work and getting home cooked meals from mother.
Now, they’re married, so the bonds are presumably stronger, the patience and willingness to sacrifice greater… if this had been a simple relationship the prognosis would be so severe I could guarantee things wouldn’t be going on much longer.
But the writing is still on the wall.
Because I can see very clearly what’s going through this guy’s head, and it’s a trap many guys have.
If you have a close connection with your family, it can be very difficult to leave their embrace. But you have to.
This son is doing what a lot of guys do: rationalizing his emotions through logic. He’s telling himself and his wife that the logical thing to do is stay with his parents because they get home-cooked meals and can save money. Meanwhile she is being illogical — most extra money she is earning is getting eaten up in rent, and NYC is not where they were planning to buy.
And this is indeed “logical” if you’re thinking financially. But the truth is he likes being at home because it is easy. It’s comfortable. He doesn’t have to grow up and take the reigns because mom and dad are around.
So while she is being “illogical” in a certain sense, because it would be better for her to keep her old job and stay with his parents while they accumulated those fat stacks… the environment is so suffocating she is likely to do anything she can — including living in a tiny NYC sublet — to escape it.
Because while she is at his parents house, two things are happening.One, her man is becoming more of a man-child.
Two, her own role as the woman of the house is supplanted.
And these two things are enough to drive a woman insane.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter if the experience of being with the parents is wonderful — if they are easy to get along with, give privacy, etc…. and it doesn’t even necessarily matter if its YOUR family or hers.
Men tend to like to keep a good thing. And mothers by their nature treat sons better than husbands. They give them unconditional love.
So while a man might lose autonomy and space, he is surrounded by other people they can bond with. The downside: it removes the impetus of bonding with your woman.
This is how, from what I understand, it is in many traditional cultures — particularly India.
The mother-in-law in many cases completely dominates the wife. And relationships between husband and wife are less intimate, as the broader family takes predominance over the nuclear.
(We have an Indian friend whose mother-in-law comes to their small apartment to “visit” for 6 months each year. It drives her insane.)
But while this sort of dynamic has practical uses, it’s not a dynamic that cultivates attraction.
(In fact, I might go so far as to argue it’s a dynamic instinctively preferred by “betas”… their mother polices their wife, and they don’t need to put in effort to capture “space,” which is instinctual for aggressive men but intimidating to weaker…)
Anyway I’m digressing, going quite deep into this… the point was this:
As a man you need to take initiative in the relationship. And you can’t ever outsource your leadership even when that means making things less easy for you.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with moving in with parents for a time. But there’s the qualifier right there: for a time. It needs to be a “we’re doing this for 6 months, because then we will have X, and then we can get the fuck out of here.”It can’t be open ended, like it is in this case “let’s stay at home and save money until we find a place.”
This doesn’t feel like sacrifice to a woman, it feels like a prison sentence.
Now, what if you’re a single guy?
Same rules apply, but obviously you have more leeway.
If you’re starting a business, stay at home and keep those expenses low.
But you always need to have your eye on escape.
Otherwise, it can be too easy to find yourself 30-something and still at home… which almost certainly crushes your chance of getting a woman, for the same reasons indicated above.
Anyway, enough for one day.
But note: this is just a taste of how I can deconstruct your own relationship with your self and women.
Yes, I will see the patterns that hold you back — and yes, I will show you how to overcome them.
Apply here to work with me: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
