Most people assume that, as a dating and relationship coach, most of my job is “giving advice” on how to attract and keep women.
Obviously, I do this. Not having competence with women would be embarrassing and would make it impossible for guys to get the results they seek with me.
But for many guys, all of this is really secondary.
The problem they have is not really about information (though they could stand to learn).
The problem is about faith.
These men are despairing. They feel like it is impossible to get the women they want. They don’t feel like they are worthy; they don’t believe it will happen to them.
Or at least, they struggle to believe. The truth is that these men still have some belief left — otherwise they wouldn’t bother working with me.
But they are still in their heads, anxious, self-critical. They still question and doubt whether the life they dreamed of is possible.
This uncertainty makes it difficult for any tangible progress to be made. A man who sees a mission as futile is unlikely to take risks. If I present him with a plan to meet women, chances are he won’t follow it. So what’s the point in putting it together?
First, because they insist on it. Anxious men crave information — it makes them feel safe — even if only for a few minutes (when they forget what I just told them and ask the same question they did 15 minutes earlier!).
But the main reason for me is that their failure to execute helps to underline the real issue: their fear.
Which is why, for these guys, most of my coaching is helping them to find their courage.
It is deconstructing their fear, and showing them the way through it. It is revealing who they really are — the higher version of themselves — that exists behind the baggage. The version of themselves that is them, but a confident, dynamic them.
Over time, as they self-confront — and their interactions with women are a big part of helping them do this — they change.
They no longer worry so much about their future. They see the light at the end of the tunnel. They know — whatever comes, they can handle it.
Usually, this is because they met the girl of their dreams, their relationship did a 180, or because they’ve started to get the abundance with women they were looking for.
But not always.
Some clients, interestingly, stop dating for awhile after we do this work. And you might be surprised to learn, this is a good thing.
These guys were trying to meet women because they felt bad about themselves, and imagined success with women would give them a sense of value. A sense of purpose.
It’s a lot more common than you’d think. Men use the attention of women all the time to substitute for a sense of self-worth. These guys were forcing it, joining apps they hated, going out to bars and a scene they despised, simply because they felt like that was what they “had to do” if they ever wanted to find a woman.
There is a balance, of course, to this attitude — there are other more congruent ways to meet women, yet you always need to put yourself around them if you want to ever meet them. However, this topic is not why I wrote this email.
The point is that even these rare guys who didn’t get the girl they had hoped for still came out of the coaching arrangement better, and grateful for the retainer.
Why?
Because their baseline emotional state had changed.
Or in other words, their consciousness shifted.
They were less afraid and more hopeful. They were taking risks, leaving dead-end jobs, saying “yes” to the call to adventure.
Suddenly, women weren’t so scary, and they weren’t so worried about them. They were resilient to challenges. They were relaxed. They simply felt better in their day-to-day.
This is a reality any of you can have, because your perception is your reality. You can feel good all the time, regardless of what is going on to you. Once you know things are going to be OK, once you know you will have X or Y life, that you will get the girl, that it is only a matter of time…
And once you are grateful and excited for exactly where you are at the moment, seeing all the opportunity it has to offer (knowing that you will never be here again, so you might as well savor it)…
You will become strong in any circumstance, and ultimately overcome.
As of right now, I will be heading to prison for 4 years on October 27th.
Practically every day, there is someone who is sending their condolences, asking me how I am. To many people it is like being diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I appreciate these gestures. But the honest to god truth is I am fine.
More than fine, actually. I feel fantastic.
I asked my wife about this the other day ironically at dinner. We were chatting and enjoying ourselves, the kids were running around.
“Is there something wrong with me? I feel incredible.”
She said she felt the same way. We laughed.
How did we get here?
Because throughout *every* part of this process, we have refused to bend the knee to fear.
It hasn’t mattered that — so far — we’ve lost our battles. Every “loss” has been a win in that we have become less controlled by “what if.” Less controlled by them and their intimidation tactics. They can sentence me to prison and attempt to destroy our lives materially, but they have no power over us. And it drives them crazy.
We know where the arc of history is turning, and where this will eventually take us.
This experience is not a tragedy, it is an adventure that has made me grow. And one I am grateful for.
If I can adopt this attitude about my situation, you can do the same in yours.
Do not allow your troubles with women to defeat you. Troubles are opportunities for initiation. They are there to level you up. Fear is a spiritual test, and every time you confront a fear, life gets easier, no matter what is thrown at you.
I believe in you. It is time to start believing in yourself.
– Pat
