So I got a question from a reader yesterday about a very classic issue: how to “spice up” things in a long term relationship, where the sex has become routine and stagnant…
(Example: woman wants sex the same way every time, doesn’t want to show parts of her body anymore etc… meanwhile guy wants to switch activities and places up)
I’m going to provide some things to think about… but a caveat before we dive in:
***Increasing sex and intimacy in a relationship isn’t an overnight process. If you’re serious about getting this handled, you will need guidance over a period of months***
Blatant pitch, but I’m not kidding. No technique will solve this problem, it’s a matter of rewiring both you and your woman’s brains. That said… here are a few things to consider.
#1 The Macro Dynamic
Have to give credit where credit is due: the Red Pill aspie brigade did figure this one out. Your ability to demand good sex is directly downstream of how dominant you are in the relationship.
What does this mean?
This means that if you’re complacent / distracted in the day-to-day, if you’re not the primary (or sole) breadwinner, if you’re out of shape… getting the sex you want long-term is going to be difficult if not impossible with your average girl.
(I say “average,” because there are exceptions — some women have high sex drives and will want to experiment, but we’re obviously not talking about these sort of women in the email)
So this means that before you even THINK about next-level hacks like sexual hypnosis, you need to set the frame of the relationship first.
The reason for this is
a) if you’re leading the family in other domains… it’s going to be easier to lead in the bedroom
b) when you are operating at 100%, you feel like a man and a leader, and the way you talk to a woman will be more masculine and authoritative naturally
c) being more fit and physically attractive makes women more receptive to you
So get that stuff handled first.
#2 The Micro Dynamic
Yet even if you do all the fundamental macro things, you might still face resistance from your woman in improving your sex life.
Which is why you also need to change your own behavior towards her.
In other words…
You need to drop the emotional need to have sex a certain way.
One of the problems men have with their mindset towards women is that sex is validation for them. How a woman responds, how adventurous she is are all indicators of how attractive he is.
Moreover, many guys are totally fucked up due to porn, and place serious expectations on her sexual behavior as a result of these fantasies.
This kind of implicit pressure is a recipe for bad and infrequent sex. Even if she says “ok,” she can sense your agenda and won’t get excited. There is no natural energy to the interaction.
Which is why if you want to improve your dynamic, you need to focus more on building up that tension throughout the day… and overall get more present
The truth is it takes time to build up tension for a girl… she might need foreplay throughout the day to build desire…
Teasing, flirting, yet not racing to initiate shows control over your sex drive… and gets you grounded in the natural energy between the two of you. Which is really the key to flipping the dynamic. You need to bring the tension back that used to exist at the beginning; aka being romantic without horny, being in the moment and feeling the anticipation.
For some men, this may require taking a sex break, if their mind has too much neediness around sex.
(No More Mr. Nice Guy recommends doing this for at least 3-6 months for recovering “nice guys.”)
But the point is to become more patient and stop forcing bad, detached sex.
Some men also recommend adding “dread” to the equation, and to playfully flirt with other women. But be careful with this. The utility of “dread” is overstated in healthy relationships and can backfire by creating trust-issues. So tread carefully — at best it should be an accent to the above, not a primary motivation.
The key thing here is make sure the sexual tension and romantic energy between the two of you is high before you make a move… even if this means waiting a little longer to complete the act than you’d like.
Then, when you have sex — focus on the energy, and enjoy the experience.
Even if it is “vanilla,” it should be “hotter” than before because of all the desire you’ve built up.
And then keep it up. Keep the romance and tension coming…
As you guys have sex more and more, and are more connected during sex, there will be much more emotional bandwidth and openness to try new things. Especially if you praise her during the process, and let her know how much it turns you on.
And — perhaps most importantly — you will learn for yourself whether that “experimentation” was really what you wanted, or whether the lack of connection was the real issue.
Anyway, at this point you should get the idea.
If you want my help implementing these advanced strategies…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
