I tweeted out something the other day that I don’t think people entirely understood, and wanted to elaborate on:
When many people see something like this, it creates dissonance. They think “I don’t like girls who hurt me, that’s what dumb people do, this tweet is bullshit.” Others view it as pro-sadism or toxic dating; jumping to the conclusion that an observation is an endorsement, and therefore should be discarded.
Yet none of that is the point at all.
The point is simply to understand that attraction — that feeling that creates excitement and arousal — always has attached to it some element of risk. Which means it is impossible to feel desire for someone without also in some way being threatened by them.
Note that what this isn’t suggesting you actually want the person you are with to hurt you. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, not abuse. But the point is that they are also built on power. Capability to emotionally affect the other must always be present for there to be desire.
Which in practice means the other person must have the ability to trigger you.
The broader question, which determines whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy, is how they use this power. Do they use it with intent to heal you, or to degrade you? Are you for your part willing to be with someone who does the latter?
Much of classic “attraction literature” is built on dark triad game; how to fuck with her mind, make her worship you, etc. A lot of people hate to admit it but this “black magic” works. Indeed, most of the red pill is simply showing men how women themselves use this stuff on them, and how to turn the tables and gain the upper hand.
Which is why when you learn female psychology and how to lean on a woman’s wounds (fear of abandonment, being replaced, unloved), you will also learn how to make many if not most women desire you. You can hurt them, you are dangerous, and so you can make them drawn towards you. Because your ability to harm them make them feel something.
The lie is not that this is effective, but that it is the only way.
Because the same knowledge of a woman’s psychology that allows you to hurt her, also grants you the ability to heal her.
Where people get confused is what that actually entails.
Healing might be at times loving her where it hurts most. But that is only part of it. Healing ultimately requires challenge when someone has a bullshit psychological front, or engages in self-destructive behavior or beliefs. In other words, it demands willingness to force someone to face themselves.
This hurts the person on the receiving end, but the difference between it and a toxic relationship is intention. A good person hurts you to make you wake up, and step into greater sovereignty. It is the equivalent of setting a broken bone; a painful but necessary process. A bad person does it to tie you in further knots and make you easier for them to control, the equivalent of breaking it further.
The reason relationships are messy is because most people are hurt themselves, and while they may not have conscious negative intent, they unconsciously see extraction as the only way to feel better about themselves, and lack the self-awareness to understand they are simply perpetuating the pain they feel. The more hurt people in a society, the more relationships in that society are based on this extractive dynamic. Our current dialogue about relationships is toxic because most people are profoundly fucked up.
The point of all of this is to underline that finding a girl who is unaware and naive is extremely unlikely to be satisfying to you if you’re a damaged man. You are more likely to drag her into the mud than she is to pull you out of it. This is why 95% of the accounts that trash women are never able to commit to a girl who meets their standards. These women are too simple in their goodness — he can’t relate to her. She’s easy prey, and so too boring. He goes back to his sluts who play the games he claims he hates.
Such a man will only break out of their pattern in one of two ways. He will either date a femme fatale: a woman who is on his level, and will hurt him enough that he is forced to look at himself and question his path. Or he will date a woman who is good but wise enough to see right through him, and strip his ego’s defenses bare. Both of these women can hurt him and thus both are catalysts for his growth.
Indeed, beyond our base level desire to fuck, it is this unconscious pursuit of growth that makes us fundamentally drawn towards a particular woman. It is what makes us crave her. We want these women because they show us where we are broken. Even their beauty poses a question to us about our self-worth: do I deserve this? Am I enough on my own to warrant love from this?
Women offer an implicit challenge to our identity, and we are drawn to them not only physically but psychologically, like moths to a flame. Because we are drawn to ourselves, and to be truly with ourselves we must become whole once again, and thus uncover where we are broken.
Which is why I recommend all men looking to understand women and actually have healthy relationships with them get my masterclass.
You can learn game anywhere. But if you are a good person, most of what is out there will not resonate with your soul. You might learn the dark side of women, but you will not learn how to make a woman rise above it. You will be told manipulation is the only way, when it is not.
If you are looking for a different path, buy the course here: https://masterclass.patstedman.com/sales-page
– Pat
