My first job ever was at the Jersey Shore, inside a 99 cent store warehouse.
While the front of the store was fairly generic — pretty young girls, either local teens or eastern europeans on work visas — the back was filled with less presentable characters. But by choosing to work in the engine room of the store — stocking shelves, taking out trash, organizing inventory — I’d make more than minimum wage…and at 16 that was a big deal. So I found myself in the midst of people I’d normally not be exposed to.
First there was Slava, an ethnic Russian migrant worker from Lithuania who was forced to work 100 hour weeks because he had been scammed on his visa and owed thousands of dollars. Most of his pay was under the table — they wouldn’t pay him overtime. I brought him lunch, because he could only afford 1 cheap meal a day (as he would complain: “fucking disgusting Jimmy Dean fucking chicken!”).
Then there was our lazy and useless chain-smoking manager Mohammed, the Egyptian “doctor” who had been inside this shithole warehouse for 7 years yet insisted he was “going back to finish med school soon.” I remember getting in his car once; there was about 5 bags of mashed McDonalds on the floor, and his cup holder was filled with cigarette butts. It was like driving in a dumpster.
Next there was tall and skinny Matthew with hair that looked like Jesus, and 3 illegitimate children (at 19). He was mostly dealing with baby-momma drama, and didn’t say much. And then there was short and strong Jimmy, the ex convict — a no bullshit guy, and the hardest worker of the bunch. He got fired after beating the shit out of Mohammed (my cue to quit). And finally, there was Rob — a middle aged “former” cocaine addict who would talk and talk and talk while doing as little as humanely possible.
Jimmy and Rob had both been in prison, yet what was interesting to me was how different they were. Jimmy was disciplined and responsible; the only reason the warehouse functioned was because of him (hardly a surprise he hated Mohammed, who got paid more and was “in charge” yet did nothing). He was also the only one who always brought his own lunch without fail; I don’t believe I ever saw him purchase food on the boardwalk, something remarkable given the constant temptation. He was spartan, and I imagine was steadily putting away a bit every paycheck.
Meanwhile, Rob was retarded in essentially every way possible; money worst of all. As mentioned, working on the boardwalk meant you had plenty of lunch options — but they were expensive. Back in 2005 you could live off our $6.50/hr, but you had to be judicious. That meant bringing your own food; not buying tourist-priced burgers, fries, and ice cream every day.
And yet that is exactly what Rob would do. Running the numbers Rob was probably spending 20-30% of his pre-tax daily wages on food at the job — usually from places our 99cent store lady owned. Not so different from buying at the “company store,” except no one was forcing him to do it.
Rob was never going to get ahead in life, because Rob spent his money — aka stored time and energy — in stupid, impulsive ways. The moment he got his paycheck it was gone. Like all people with a poverty mindset, he was so desperate to feel good, he threw himself at whatever would make him feel better.
It’s the same kind of mindset so many guys have towards women.
Some halfway decent looking girl gives these guys attention, and they throw their energy at her. They don’t have any sexual or emotional control; women have all the power. And so their relationship history is either non-existent (they cannot “afford” a woman) or is riddled with them getting used and abused by girls who are only there to empty his energetic ATM.
Most guys reading this obviously know this is a bad way to live. But the problem is, they draw only somewhat better conclusions in the process of avoiding it.
They realize the problem is laziness and over-spending, so they commit themselves to working hard and saving. Rather than be like Rob, they act like Jimmy.
These guys assess their wealth against the poor; to continue the analogy, they see what happens to “blue pilled” fools, and adopt a cautious, defensive posture towards women. Their mindset is all about loss-aversion, because losses are perceived as catastrophic and arguably unrecoverable. And so with women, they are looking for arrangements that offer minimal risk; no emotional attachment, no commitment (certainly nothing legally binding), and avoidance of a woman valuable enough who might leave (and hurt them).
Consequently, these men tend to only date women who are “beneath them.” These women are “safe” because they are more invested than the guy is.
The only problem?
These men don’t actually get what they want.
They are playing not to lose, rather than playing to win. They aren’t destitute, but they aren’t fuck-you wealthy either. They remain terrified of getting wiped out; they live emotional paycheck to paycheck, or close to it. In other words, they have a middle-class mindset towards women.
Which is the big tediousness to me when it comes to most of the red pill commentary. It’s just so obvious that — regardless of whatever “plate spinning” crutch they claim for themselves — they lack emotional abundance or fulfillment when it comes to women.
They might not be poor, but they’re not rich either.
It’s an important distinction you need to understand.
People who become rich aren’t fools — they don’t invest in scams like the poor, who are hope-chasers. But they also aren’t risk-averse like the middle-class. They understand it is impossible to get financial freedom without calculated risk.
They know a 5% raise every 2 years and maxing out their 401k isn’t going to dramatically change their lifestyle. They also know that skipping that $4 coffee every day isn’t going to fix their finances. Indeed, they grasp in a world with 10%+ real inflation every year, this “responsible” approach means they are actually falling behind.
They understand that the primary goal is ***generating more income*** rather than reducing expenses. Or if you were to apply it to women, they understand the objective isn’t pain avoidance, it’s more emotional and spiritual strength and resolve — more resilience — because it is impossible to get a passionate, intimate relationship with a woman they are attracted to unless they are willing to get hurt.
Perhaps now you understand why I do not call myself a “red pill” coach. Red pill coaches are like the money gurus who show you how to save $100 a month by cancelling your cable. This is fine, and maybe an important initial step for some, but it is playing small. I would rather be the money guru who shows you how to make an extra $100,000 a year so an “expense” like that is not something you think about.
Which is why I do not care so much about protecting you from women. Yes, I want you to understand women, and avoid getting too enmeshed with sirens and succubi (you may insist on jumping in the quicksand; in these cases my job is simply to make sure you learn fast and don’t drown). But if your goal is freedom, protecting you from the game of love is antithetical to you getting it.
Freedom is not something offered to you by your “dating system,” which keeps a handful of girls on rotation, at arms length. It is not a product of sexual leverage or emotional arbitrage. Even the best external sources of power eventually lose their luster.
The kingdom of heaven is within. Which means if you lack freedom in your love life, it’s not because of women.
It’s because you are a pussy. You are weak. That women control your emotions is not their fault, it is your own. You gave them that power because you are afraid to make decisions and live with the consequences of them. You are unwilling to lose, because losing means you will have to face the ugliness in yourself and develop integrity. Because you avoid this self-confrontation, you will never feel intrinsically good. You will never win.
It’s time to Grow Up.
I don’t care that it “hurts.” All spiritual growth hurts.
Be grateful that women are a relatively safe way to stimulate this pain — this death.
If you want a different experience of life, you must allow part of yourself to die. The freedom you seek lies beyond the abyss.
If you want my help crossing it, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
