One of the biggest difficulties guys have in dating isn’t understanding ideas around attraction conceptually. It’s calibrating them effectively in practice.
Which is why I wanted to highlight two tweets from the great Nash I saw on Twitter recently:
These are masterful examples of how to handle two of the biggest “disrespectful” behaviors guys encounter from women on dates: lateness and “checking her phone.”
Most guys screw this up because they either say nothing (which can convey you don’t have boundaries) or make a big deal out of it (which can convey you’re reactive / controlling).
It is, to be a fair, a tight line to walk. But Nash does this fantastically here — and I want to explain to you why this works, so you can apply the same principle in other circumstances.
The key elements:
- Pull her towards you before you Push
- Acknowledge the bad behavior (calmly & not aggressively, almost off-handedly)
- Hold tension
- After she responds, release the situation
Where I see guys mess up the most is in #2 and #4. They come across too aggressively, and then struggle to let the situation go.
Understand: while bad behavior needs to be called out, it should NOT become an argument. This will kill the date; not sub-communicate to her that you’re “alpha.”
The way the thread this needle is to simply openly observe what she is doing rather than judge or critique her. If you want to add more tension, tell her what you want. But don’t tell her she is “bad” unless you are adding how she is good there as well.
Indeed, this applies not simply to “bad behavior,” but things you wish she would do differently.
Let’s say a girl doesn’t hasn’t been wearing dresses to dates, but you like them.
“You don’t like to wear dresses do you?”
This isn’t a direct critique of her clothes, but it’s enough to make a girl *who likes you* self-conscious about what you think about her.
She’s either going to say “yeah I don’t blah blah blah” or she’ll (more likely) go “no I like them too, I just blah blah blah”
All you have to do, when the inevitable question arises about whether you like girls in dresses, is reply “yeah I do… but you look very good in X”
Implicit push followed by a pull.
In the case she responds in the former way, things remain smooth, but you’ve learned something important about her (maybe she’s not your type). In the case of the latter, you’ve almost certainly ensured she will wear a dress for you next time.
This is because there are usually already de facto implications behind observations.
You don’t need to say, for instance, that being late is unacceptable, or looking at your phone during a date is rude, or dressing in baggy clothes isn’t feminine.
Further commentary is unnecessary. She KNOWS what she is doing is negative. And will know when you say it that you’re not only perceptive, you’re confident — you’re qualifying her. The smooth way you do it only underlines the strength of your boundaries. You don’t “need” her to do anything for you… you don’t need her to “agree” with you. But you do know what you WANT, and are not afraid to draw attention to discrepancies with this. Which implies you will walk if such needs are not met.
Which is why it’s equally important AFTER she responds and presumably qualifies herself (“oh there was traffic blah blah blah”) that you move the convo elsewhere, even if it means cutting her off.
This shows that it’s not about “power dynamics” to you. It’s not about her proving herself to you (which creates defensiveness). You don’t WANT bad energy. You make your point, and then you move the date along — away from things that disrupt the vibe.
This is very powerful, as it shows you’re chill even as you assert yourself. VERY few men are able to do this.
Because such competence requires more than just awareness of the concepts discussed in this email.
It requires EMOTIONAL GROUNDING.
The reality is that there is NO way a guy can go on a date with a girl and call her out in a way that doesn’t come across as defensive UNLESS the guy is anchored enough into himself to not take her behavior personally.
Yet most guys simply aren’t. They’ll either “let it slide” or they’ll get defensive. Which means they either lose the girl, or get themselves into some shitty, co-dependent relationship (where they have to hide what they want) that ends later on.
To avoid this, and to truly have rock solid frame with women, you need to understand your own emotional triggers. In other words, you need to know when you are acting like a BITCH.
And by far the most effective and efficient way to do that is to have a coach by your side who will TELL YOU.
Which is why after I go over my clients’ triggers and emotional patterns in our deep work sessions, that they must *actually go out there and meet women* and bring back interactions with me for debriefing.
The reason is simple: they are going to MESS UP and misapply concepts, and think they are being clever or “alpha” when they are not.
They are going to make mistakes.
Which is GOOD.
Because that is the ONLY way for them to grow past them.
My goal is never to protect clients from avoiding the pain of the arena.
My goal is to make sure they only face the same bosses ONCE.
To learn as quickly as possible.
I LOVE when a client is coming to me each session with new problems. They often don’t notice, and I point out how their interactions are changing, and how much progress they have made.
Anyway, I think you get the idea.
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
