A reader writes in:

Hey there Pat,

I’m a long-time reader and am currently working my way through your Masterclass, and even more currently going back through Tackling Texting (including taking copious notes). 

If this question might be better left as an email to your list, you have my permission to use it as such (and similarly, I realize that this may well be a coaching-level question, so if it’s something you’d rather tackle once I make the leap into applying to do coaching with you, I am cool with that too and I’ll do my best in the meantime)

So here’s the situation in brief: 

I’m abroad at the moment in a country I plan on moving to. 

I met a nice, pretty, feminine gal at a friend’s birthday party the other night and got some very interested vibes from her: made it a point to try to keep the conversation going when it took a pause, took an interest in what I had to say, and got giggly and excited when I touched her wrist while looking at a bracelet she had on. 

Before I left the party, I suggested we meet up for coffee or drinks the next day. She said she was going to be busy, but was very glad to give me her number. 

We’ve exchanged a few texts, and while she’s been receptive, her texts are very brief and don’t leave me much “building material” to build into a conversation. 

I’m in a unique situation in that I’m going back to the States tomorrow night and won’t be back here until probably June, so if I can’t make a meeting happen, this may just fizzle out (then again, the months apart may contribute to that anyway even IF we do get to meet)

To top it all off, she’s Eastern European and I’m American, so the cultural differences and expectations may be tough to navigate from such a distance anyway.

If it doesn’t work with her, I won’t take it personally, but because I get “quality woman” vibes from her, I also don’t want to lazily quit too early either. 

Does this make sense? And what options do I have in such a case? 

Thank you in advance for reading this far. I appreciate your time and expertise. 

—

Great question. Before I jump into the answer though, we need to address why she’s been lukewarm about meeting up.

And the answer is likely not all that complicated. Assuming she doesn’t have a boyfriend and was just using you for validation, she is likely skittish about the fact that you are leaving, and doesn’t want to get emotionally invested (see yesterday’s email!).

Aside from the natural connection it sounds like you had, you are foreign and exotic. She has desire. But if she is a “good girl,” and not just out there for a fling, then she is going to be concerned about a) your intentions and b) the viability of a relationship with you.

In other words, the issue is comfort not desire. So understand you are going to have to address the “time constraint” objection if you want to get her out.

But you are also going to have to deal with reality, which is that you are leaving soon. You don’t have time to mess around.

So you will actually have to disregard most gold-standard texting rules, and just go in for the kill.

“Hey X it was great meeting you at the party the other night. I’m only in the country another week before I return this summer and I’d love to grab a coffee with you before I go. What’s your schedule like this week?”

Note how this is akin to the directness you get with cold approach on the street: “hey I need to run but I just saw you over there and had to say I think you look lovely.” The reason daygame tends to use time constraints liberally in the approach is because you need an excuse to express intent quickly. You need to break the social norms of easing your way into attraction, and the only permissible way to do that is through urgency.

Many guys are skittish about showing intent like this so directly, because it’s often misinterpreted as over-investment, especially over text. But if there is a genuine reason to breach all social norms to be direct, not only is it OK, it’s actually *more* romantic. Because now you desired her so much you threw etiquette to the wind.

If she doesn’t take a date then, you can safely assume you tried everything you could, and can now move on.

But assuming she does take a date, and the vibe is good… your objective in your situation is simply to plant the seed. Most important is the idea not only that you like her, but you will be back. Because this is what will give her the safety to emotionally open up.

I would not go for anything beyond a kiss on this date, but I wouldn’t necessarily be concerned if she doesn’t even go there yet so long as all other signs of interest are there. It’s just an indication she’ll need more proof of intent; you’ll likely be messaging on and off over the coming months (not every day, don’t force convos, but not dropping off entirely).

Anyway that’s the long and short of it.

Obviously these kind of situations are very touch and go.

Which is why if you want real-time feedback, you should work with me.

We would be able to jump on a call as the situation developed, so you’d know exactly which move to make next.

With the goal of you eventually knowing what I know, and not needing to talk to me anymore.

Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat

PS Check out my testimonials here and on my website.