Convo with a client the other day brought up something I’ve neglected to discuss on this list.
Something I’ve been guilty of… as well as countless guys.
You’re dating a girl. You like her, but either you or her are leaving the area soon, so by default you aren’t taking it too seriously. It is a “temporary” relationship without any real future to it.
But, you and the girl enjoy each other’s company, so you decide to “live in the moment” and date as if it had legs. You go on vacations together, you share the most intimate details of your life, even as you prepare to depart from each other in the coming weeks and months.
What’s the harm, right?
Well perhaps there is no harm. Indeed, perhaps indulging like this is not only enjoyable, but the RIGHT thing to do. She’s a great girl, and you should spend this time with her.
Fair enough. Just be prepared that she — and very likely you — will fall in love.
Sometimes this is a good thing. Maybe you are MEANT to be.
But often the result is that you get too close to someone you otherwise wouldn’t have. And now you are either dragged into a long distance relationship you didn’t really want (with someone who isn’t great for you)… or are left with the emotional wreckage of a woman far more invested in you than she should be.
Whether this is ultimately good or bad isn’t really what I’m concerned with here. Frankly, it is a case by case basis. My wife and I started out similarly, and obviously that worked out well.
What I care more about illustrating here is the phenomenon. So you can understand why it occurs… and what lessons you can ultimately draw from it.
The reality is that this tends to happen to couples who have a time constraint because time constraints intensify focus and investment.
Many of you know the concept of the “time constraint” on a tactically level when it comes to approaching a girl or on a first date, so you can get her to “buy in” to the interaction and so you do not come across as over-invested. The context in which I’m using the term now is more macro and slightly different, though there is overlap between the two.
The context here for “time constraint” refers to a broader period of availability the two of you have with each other. Because time is precious, if you decide to see each other you will inevitably a) spend more time together, b) you utilize your time more effectively (i.e. do more exciting, memory creating things), and c) are more present during this time. The result is that this “month or two” or even weeks ends up feelings like 3-5x as long.
Obviously, this makes you more attached to the person than you would have been under normal circumstances. You have so many memories, it seems as if you have known each other for far longer than you actually have.
But that is not all. The result of the concentrated time together and sense that it is yet only temporary means that you have an impulse to accelerate the connection faster than you normally would. That means sharing more things, opening up more emotionally… paradoxically because your guard is down, as you don’t believe based on circumstance anything could possibly happen between the two of you.
Which for many people, amplifies the sense of connection even further… because under normal circumstances they won’t let anybody in, so this connection feels especially intense.
In other words, whether or not there is a viable long-term connection between you and this woman, situational pressure is amplifying the feeling beyond what you would normally feel. It makes it feel more romantic than it perhaps actually is.
The takeaway?
Really assess whether or not:
- this is a person you want to intensify emotions with
- you are prepared for the possibility of a long-distance relationship and ultimately changing your whole life around to make it work
If the answer to either of these is no, then it is probably irresponsible to see this girl more than casually (1x per week) as you will only end up hurting her and probably yourself too.
But I’d say an even more valuable takeaway than this is just how much emotional barriers prevent us from connecting with a woman.
Which is why if you’re a man who has only really fallen for girls when there is this “time constraint” (or has struggled to do so at all)…
You should probably work with me.
Because your lack of ability to open up to a woman normally means you will only do it when it is least convenient, and likely most painful.
NOT GOOD if you want to meet the girl of your dreams.
The choice to change as always is yours.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS Check out my testimonials here and on my website.
