In my book, Tackling Texting (an absolute must read for any guy trying to improve his text / online messaging game), one of the tactics I break down in detail is a) when and b) how to get the infamous “number close” from a girl you just met.
“Number closes” were the first of the “Big 3” in the escalation ladder back in the day for pick up artists. Typically, you would get the girl’s number, then you would kiss her, and then you would have sex. Getting a “number close” was thus considered to be a substantial accomplishment: you had created enough attraction that a girl you never met was willing to give you her contact information.
But as technology has grown, with most people now having social media and even meeting online, has the importance of the number close disappeared?
One thing I noted a few years back was that in cold approach, more and more girls were reluctant to give out their numbers, instead preferring to offer their Snap or Instagram. Or if on an online dating app, they would prefer to set up a date through there without exchanging digits.
Initially I was resistant to the value of this — if a girl didn’t want you in her texts, she wasn’t that interested; you were just another source of attention for her, competing with hundreds if not thousands of other guys. Why demean yourself?
But while this may have been true in the early years, and even still might be in some cases, I’ve come to accept that times change.
Just like 20 years ago, when it wasn’t odd to ask for a girl’s email (today it would be bizarre or boomer) — now phone numbers can often feel too personal for a girl. She would prefer to offer you her social media instead, or if you met on an app, keep the conversation there.
And so when a client asked me if he should be concerned about going for the number vs keeping the date setup on the app, I told him “No” — something I never imagined I would hear myself say.
The truth is, I don’t think it matters much anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m against going for a number close, and on balance I would still usually go for it. But it’s become much more of a context-based decision, that you have to assess based on the woman’s personality and most importantly her investment.
For instance, if a girl hooks hard, I would definitely go for her number — it still makes the most sense, and is always going to be the best way to reach her.
But if your interaction with a girl was more lukewarm — and if you feel like she’s more of an anxious type, and comfort wasn’t totally locked down in the interaction — I would either go for social media, or set up the date on the app itself.
Going for a number can seem “too intense” for these girls; they simply don’t understand why you would want it when they could just as easily communicate with you through another, less personal means. It makes them suspicious and uncomfortable.
“But Pat,” you might ask. “What does it say about these girls that they are so freaked out? Is this a red flag and should I just avoid them anyway?”
On balance I’d say it’s a negative indicator, because most of it comes from immaturity and the non-stop cultural programming that men are potential rapists who could be a threat to women, and so should be treated suspiciously. It also makes it far less likely that the woman is going to engage with you, so it becomes a waste of everyone’s time if the goal is to connect.
But at the same time, I can see the woman’s point.
Why give a random man who frankly could be a creep your personal number when it is completely unnecessary? Especially why do it when you could check out their social media instead, and get a deeper assessment of the man?
So essentially, don’t make it into a bigger thing than it needs to be.
Use your judgement whether a girl is likely to be a receptive to giving out her number before you ask.
But even more importantly, if she deflects, take the hint and either take care of it on the platform itself (if already online) go for something more accessible to her, like you IG.
Which reminds me… you do have an IG, right?
I hate to say it, because I know many of you understandably aren’t big fans of “normie” social media (particularly Instagram).
But the truth is that it is an absolute game-changer when it comes to meeting women.
Not only is it arguably the best “dating app” (bigger market, more attractive girls, no algorithmic interference on your options). But it provides you with an easy, low-resistance way to get girls “in your orbit” — something especially useful when the girl herself was not that strong of a lead, or you didn’t have enough time to make an impression.
Your social media does much of the work for you.
Which means that it functions as a force-multiplier not only for day game and night game, but for social circle.
Indeed, I’d go so far as to say my social circle game would only have been half as effective if it weren’t for Facebook, which had the pull of IG 10+ years ago.
So I recommend you get a social media profile if you want to improve your dating life in 2023.
And if you want to understand exactly how to use it — not only to meet women online, but to leverage the impact of the women’s you’ve met in the “real world”?
I’d work with me.
I have an integrated system for dating success.
One that I build out specifically with your own “bespoke” needs and inclinations in mind.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS Check out my testimonials here and on my website.
