I was speaking to a client the other day, and he asked me to clarify something I had mentioned earlier about “how to connect with women.”
He, like so many clients, was hitting a wall after some early progress. He knew how to banter with women, and get them out on dates. But the dates themselves were stale. It was usually one and done; occasionally there’d be a second date, but the end result was always the same. She “didn’t feel a spark” and would move on.
What was strange to him was that the women were interested at first; they’d even often get a little physical with him. But apparently connection was lacking on her end… and he didn’t know why.
This is something not talked about much in dating circles. Most dating advice revolves around mechanical PUA tactics, or being clever and funny — you need to be interesting, you need to be quick on your feet. You need to keep her engaged. And you need to move forward physically when you see a window.
There is nothing wrong with developing these traits; indeed, they will make you better with women. But nevertheless many guys get stuck here on the mental aspect of game. They are *thinking* about what to do or say, they are trying to “act upon her” to get her to respond a certain way, rather than actually be real and form a connection.
So without further ado, here is how you form a connection with a woman:
a) Care about her and finding out who she really is. Genuinely.
b) Share who you really are… without shame.
I know this seems simple. It is. But simple is not always easy.
The reality is many guys do not even know what it means to “care” about a woman. And they certainly do not feel comfortable being open about themselves. After all, vulnerability is for beta-cucks.
But you need to understand that vulnerability is not a bad thing, it’s what too often comes with vulnerability: neediness and weakness. You can share about yourself without demanding any sort of validation or sympathy from her. Indeed, if you want to run effective game on a woman, you should.
Vulnerability — after a certain amount of intrigue has been established — is what makes you seem like a real person. It makes a woman trust you and yes, feel connected to you.
Especially when she also feels like you want the real her… and you are not going to settle for some superficial, boilerplate explanation of herself.
So rather than ask her if she “likes her work” — assuming this is the direction you even want to take — you ask her why she does her work. Is it meaningful to her? What would she do ideally if she could? Then make an assumption or inference — what does this tell you about her?
Most guys are too lazy for this and they run through some mindless bullshit that a woman will only accept if she is looking for something with no-strings-attached, and there is enough sexual tension behind the interaction that nobody cares anyway.
If you want to emotionally capture a woman, you need to go deeper. You need to open her up more — and be prepared to open up yourself as well.
But you won’t do this well if you refuse to honest with yourself about your own problems.
Because you will be too filled with pride. And pride is what we cling onto to externally compensate for shame we feel internally.
Rather than connect with a woman, you will try to impress her or hide from her. Because you need her to be impressed — or at least not ashamed — of you.
And you will lose her due to your walls. If not then, years later — and you will lose your children too (as I outlined in detail in yesterday’s email).
So if you have emotional blocks, you should probably try to change them. Because they are not only stopping you from connecting with women the way they crave, but they are wasting huge amounts of your own energy trying to keep a certain appearance.
But there is a right way and a wrong way to do this.
Do it the wrong way, like many men have, and you will quite literally become a bitch. I have seen this happen to many “tough guys,” who all of a sudden pull a 180 and need to “talk about their feelings” 24/7, or express their “lived experience.”
I don’t want this to happen to you because it will not make you happier and it might make you even worse with women. It will also make you annoying for other men to be around.
But you do need a safe space, and a place to express fears and shame. Just one with a man who will allow a “controlled demolition,” so that we don’t lose the whole man, only the parts that no longer serve.
Which is why you might consider working with me.
Because I have demolished and rebuilt nearly 300 men.
And I am just getting started.
Apply here to be my next success story: www.patstedman.com/application
PS Check out my website or Twitter for testimonials from some of them I have helped to rebuild.