This past weekend I had the privilege of overhearing a simultaneously amusing yet tragic conversation.
At a restaurant for breakfast with my wife, there was a table next to us with a mother and her son. The mother was middle aged and dumpy; the son was in his late teens or early 20s, and clearly somewhere in the pantheon of LGBTQXYZ+&^$%@; he had low-confidence, a pierced septum, combat boots, and carried himself in a sexually ambiguous manner.
The mother and son were “catching up,” and the topic of this day’s conversation was — perhaps you guessed — his father.
Unsurprisingly, the parents were divorced. The son had recently visited his father; the mother was desperate to hear all of the juicy gossip about him.
Apparently, it was difficult for the son’s “mental health” to talk to his father because dad is “very linear.” What this entails exactly wasn’t clear, though I’d imagine part of it is him not understanding what non-binary gender queer means — but I digress. Essentially dad is currently dating a pilates instructor who is quite well off financially. And mom clearly had some issues with this.
“He’s always trying to impress people when he first meets them, he’s just interested in her for her money.“ She then pivoted: “Were they very lovey-dovey with each other?” She peppered her son with questions and comments about his father — his flaws, his real agenda. She was visibly irked when she also learned this “new woman” was thin. “You know he still leaves the door open for me to get back together with him; I’d never do that though”
This conversation went on for an hour: a woman using her son as an emotional blanket to rant about her ex-husband.
Is it any surprise this kid is the way he is?
This dynamic is one we see over and over again today: the dark mother controlling her son emotionally. This kid was prevented from bonding with his father by his mother, and as a result has become weak and effeminate. This is why even speaking to his father is traumatic for the son: every conversation holds a mirror up to him, and shows him how he’s failed to become a man. Indeed, this deep knowing and sense of shame is why he’s come to fetishize men sexually, while simultaneously avoiding the identity in himself.
The father it appears did what so many fathers have done today: cut his losses. He knows his son is gone, and has tried to build a new life that stands in opposition to the structure that caused this. He’s replaced his nagging, out-of-shape ex-wife — who on balance seems to have initiated the divorce — with a fit, feminine, elegant new girl. He’s become more conservative, while his ex has become more liberal.
Why do I mention this story?
Mostly because I felt like it summed up so much of the societal decline we’ve seen today: neurotic self-absorbed women turning their sons weak and gay by making their fathers into the enemy.
But I also don’t want to let this father, or the many fathers he represents, completely off the hook.
The reality is so much of this rot has been able to proliferate in society because these fathers have been emotionally absent. Maybe these types of mothers do bond excessively with their children, arresting their development. But they also take advantage of a vacuum created by the father. These fathers don’t try to mentor their children; very often they escape from these intimate responsibilities, throwing themselves instead into work. They provide, and they tell themselves it is enough — when it isn’t. The result of this emotional neglect is predictable: the woman becomes resentful, and not only turns away from him, but turns his children away as well.
The call to action here is simple:
Obviously you should be wary about the kind of woman you marry, and choose carefully. Imagining life with this woman for instance made me contemplate the mechanics of how to properly tie a noose.
But beyond all of this, you need to make sure you are engaged with your children.
Every moment of their attention you concede to the algorithm, every conversation you didn’t have with them because you were “too busy” creates the space for somebody else to mold them.
Sons like his are not born overnight. He was groomed for years, and his father was gone while it was going on. His father did not protect him. He failed.
And do you know why he failed?
Not only because he likely didn’t understand the stakes. He didn’t have the tools.
The truth is most men are absolute dogshit when it comes to emotional connection. They suck at it with women, and they suck at it with their children. Is it any surprise mothers tend to have much more influence over their children than fathers? You are influenced by people who you feel care about you, not people who act indifferent.
And yet, being connected with your children also isn’t enough. Because as a father, you must also represent strength, truth, and boundaries. You need to be masculine: a role model and ideal for them to aspire towards, and a man they respect.
Some men succeed in being emotionally available for their children, but fail at being strong. Others may act masculine, yet are also callous and distant.
You need to get both right. Not only to succeed as a father. But to reach the pinnacle of success with women.
A woman wants to feel close to you, yet also know she can depend on you. She wants to feel your love and your strength, for this is what it means to love as a man.
Most of you unfortunately weren’t taught this. Your fathers were either weak or absent; sometimes both.
But there is good news:
You can learn.
And not only heal yourself as a man. But break the cycle, and heal your future generations as well.
If you want help doing it from someone who knows the exact process…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
