I had a very good question from a client the other day about desire and comfort:

“How much does being good in bed matter when it comes to maintaining desire? In other words, is it possible to be desirable to a woman if you’re not good in bed?”

I haven’t really talked about this issue too much, in large part because I know guys have enough anxiety about sexual performance, and piling on more is generally counterproductive.

But I also don’t want to deny reality. Sexual performance matters, and it is a genuine cornerstone of desire. Ultimately you cannot remain desirable to a woman if you are unable to perform in bed. Being defective here is the equivalent of being a plate of food that looks and smells delicious, but is inedible.

Yet it’s important to also be precise with language. I said unable to perform in bed; I didn’t say you need to have sexual prowess. A distinction that shockingly flies by most men.

Here is the truth:

If you are elite in the bedroom — above average in size, can last 20+ minutes, technically competent, and possess a strong sexual instinct (aka you are in flow with her, know what to do when to do it) — congratulations. You have a massive advantage when it comes to desire. You are one of the rare men (5%) that girls will see again for no other reason but that the sex is good. In a relationship, you can probably get away with acting like a pussy or even cheating and still keep the girl around.

But you do not have to be ANYTHING at this level to avoid being undesirable to a woman.

Here is the dirty little secret that none of the insecurity peddlers want to tell you:

You are going to be considered “good in bed” with 90% of women so long as you are able to make them cum.

Most women do not expect you to last forever. They don’t expect you to be huge. They don’t even consider that you will act primal and know exactly what to do and when.

They will perceive the sex as enjoyable so long as the two of you are connected during the act, and both of you are able to climax. And that climax does NOT have to be from penetration.

If you can do this, and you are handsome, and are held in high-esteem by other people… you are going to be considered desirable by her.

I do not say this to deny there are different “levels” to sexual performance. There are many. But the bar is such that most guys will be considered a “sex god” by a woman if he can make her come from penetration, or multiple times, or squirt — especially if this has never happened before with her.

And this is arguably not advanced work. There are levels beyond that with tantra, especially as a man becomes more and more in tune with his own sexual flow. A good friend of mine is a master by any objective standard, yet he claims he is only at “maybe 30%” of what is possible. The top 1% may seem impressive to most, but to them the top 0.1% is playing a completely different game.

So why do I mention this? Because this sort of sexual mastery is running up the score, and unnecessary to secure the love and desire of an attractive woman. You can, and arguably should explore it. But you do not NEED to. There is no reason to stress about it.

Like EVERY aspect of attraction there are thresholds. And for most women the threshold for sexual satisfaction is LOW compared to what you see in porn or hear about online.

So stop stressing about it.

Especially because the #1 thing that will make you bad in bed is anxiety about your performance and the accompanying SHAME.

It is SHAME that kills in-the-moment flow, and creates performance issues like impotence, PE, and the like. Indeed, you can argue it is fundamentally sexual SHAMELESSNESS that makes someone actually good in bed. Because the more ashamed you are, the more it carries over to her.

Anyway, enough said for now.

If you have performance anxiety, and are tired of living with it…

Good news:

I know exactly how to get rid of it.

So if you want it gone once and for all…

Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat