A reader writes in:
Hey Pat – appreciate your newsletter one of the best out there. Not sure if any others have messaged you if it’s common enough for a post or tweet, but love to get your take/ advice for someone in mixed political marriage? Married in 2008 before things got crazy, my wife fairly liberal and I was Ron Paul guy , not particularly political but 2016-2020 was brutal and not looking forward to 2024. I guess I’m getting better at holding the tension but a lot of days it’s a slog as it affects just about every issue. Thanks and hope you are well
—
A very difficult and unfortunately common situation I’ve seen a lot of since 2015.
One which I have both good and bad news for.
First thing that needs to be understand is that politics these days is in many ways is no longer about politics at all. It’s about perception of reality itself.
For instance, no one is really arguing anymore about whether or not it’s better in theory to raise taxes so the government can spend it on infrastructure, or to cut taxes and allow the free market to deal with it. The disagreement is whether taxed money is simply laundered / stolen or actually spent on anything a politician claims it is. It is about whether the system even functions at all, and whether you should believe blatant lies, like whether a man is a woman and vice-versa.
Individuals who are not particularly political and tune out the news can probably get away with “split views” because these views are not all that important to them. If both of you are political, however, I personally do not grasp how such a situation can be tenable.
But this is my personal opinion. I am a very political person, and while I have no interest in arguing about such matters with extended family and friends, it is a prerequisite for intimacy that I am able to express myself and that we can agree on basic observations about reality. If I am forced to hide a key part of myself from you in order to “keep the peace,” then we can only be so close.
For a wife this simply would not work — for me. Maybe it doesn’t bother you as much, as there is so much else about the relationship that is wonderful. I can’t answer that question for you. It is ultimately about your own personal cost-benefits analysis. Just remember that the more you have to suppress yourself in a relationship, the less point there is in being in one.
All that said, there is a silver lining.
Leftism is dying. I know it doesn’t look like that to many on the outside, but the reality is that in the next two years the entire ideology will cease to exist much in the same way Nazism ceased to exist after 1945. It is bleeding support all over. And as the disclosures increase as we get into the next year, it will be increasingly embarrassing to be associated with it.
Understand: most of the “leftists” today are not “true believers,” they are under psychological programming. It is a mind virus of sorts that hijacks various positive traits like empathy and openness and uses them in a pathological way, manufacturing the illusion of social consensus to justify them. Part of the reason your wife, for instance, is likely picking political fights with you is that she knows she is wrong; cognitive dissonance simply requires her to get a reaction. Subconsciously, she is asking for it to be challenged.
So if you choose to stay with her, I would recommend you yourself try to transcend the polarity and avoid all arguments. Do not try to persuade her, and do your best not to get triggered by her. Tune it out as best you can… and hope you can run out the clock.
I expect even as early as 6 months from now she’ll start to be a bit less outspoken.
And if you want more hands on help?
Consider working with me.
Because the reality is, if after all of these years she hasn’t started following your lead…
You are probably not leading her as well as you could.
She doesn’t trust you enough to feel safe in your judgement, and doesn’t respect you enough to not harangue you political arguments.
The link to apply is here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
