A reader writes in:

I’ve got a question for your next dating and relationship Q&A. Hopefully this screed isn’t too lengthy for the show:

Preface: I’m a recent Catholic convert. Aside from the massive spiritual benefits this has provided me in these troubled times, my faith has also given me a lot of opportunities to grow my social circle with other value-aligned people.

Several Fridays ago, I was at an outdoor bar with a large group of people, organized by a girl who has expressed interest in me that I have “friendzoned” – She’s a connector, and as you’ve oft-mentioned, a great friend to have!

During the evening, I was made aware of a girl I had never seen before. We were all sitting at a large table, and it was only when the person next to me temporarily got up that I was able speak to her directly. Our conversation was brief, but I learned that she’s new in town and quite shy, likely due to her being unfamiliar with many of the people present.

I found her very attractive but didn’t have a chance to build further rapport with her that night, as I was actively engaged with the broader group, and she was not. Perhaps this was a case of me being sociable to a fault because I later realized that I had FORGOTTEN HER NAME.

I’ve never been “good with names” to begin with, and I also made several new friends and had several drinks, which stretched my bandwidth. I do remember it being something incredibly unusual though.

Anyway, I saw mystery girl again yesterday at a large Catholic fundraiser event where I was volunteering – She looked beautiful and obviously remembered me fondly (big smile – said it was great to see me again).

I didn’t have a chance to chat her up because I was bar-tending, but she was with another girl who I hadn’t seen in years — I’ll call her Liz — which probably worked to my advantage (more social proof).

Catching up with Liz later, I learned that they’re both in a women’s bible study group that’s directly adjacent to a men’s bible study group I recently joined (a husband and wife are respective leaders of both).

This brings me to my main question: Is it tactically sound to inquire about her through these channels, and if so, to what extent?

I remembered a short clip from your YT channel about NOT TELLING ANYONE about your interest before her, and upon rewatching, I noted that you even mentioned “it doesn’t matter if they call themselves good Christians” because they’ll “Fuck it up big time” — Extremely relevant and made me lol.

At the very least I’d like to figure out her name, but I’ll admit it’s tempting to include some indication of interest, especially since I don’t know when I’ll see her again.

Should I just be patient and wait for a better opportunity to ask her out? I’d love to hear your take on the situation.

Thanks in advance, and many thanks for the mountains of invaluable content you put out.

—

Great tactical question here which I will answer, but also want to anchor this into broader strategic understanding. First things first though:

Obviously this is why you want to make a better effort to remember people’s names — especially people of interest. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also guilty of forgetting them. Frankly I am pretty terrible with names 90% of the time unless I see them (aka name tags). And unfortunately you do not usually have that luxury.

So this is a situation I’ve dealt with multiple times.

You have two big options here:

1) Simply roll with it. You can interact with someone for a longgggg time without having to actually say their name (I have asked girls out on dates without knowing their name!!!). Most of the time, it eventually gets revealed somehow. Someone else will say her name. You ask for her social media, and her name is there. Or you ask for her full name — most of the time they will say first and last! I am somewhat ashamed to have done these things many times, but I’ve only rarely been punished for it.

2) Ask someone offhandedly. You can ask them who is in the female bible study group. Her name will be mentioned. Or, you can ask directly “what’s the name of that new girl, it was a bit exotic, I can’t recall.”

What you do NOT want to do is make a big deal about the girl to other people. You want to come across as casual — this doesn’t mean some more astute people won’t have their suspicions, but you have plausible deniability. The worst that happens is they go back to the girl with “I think X might be interested in you.” Which actually isn’t that bad, because it is UNCONFIRMED. This creates tension and intrigue. Whereas if she knows for sure you’re into her, she has nothing to “discover” when it comes to you, and makes her more likely to be skittish and play games.

You may not know exactly when you will see her again, but you know that you will, because she is in your broader circle and will be attending the same events as you. Put your faith in GOD and in synchronicity to bring you together. She may not be at every event, but keep showing up and she will be at one of them.

This is much better from an attraction standpoint as it provides you with operational flexibility — you don’t need to come across too strong, and can ramp up tension in a more controlled manner — and it creates a sense of “fate” because you just “kept running into each other.”

Yes. this is trusting you will get “lucky.” But remember: luck meets preparation.

You have high preselection, the girl seems interested, and you are likely to run into her again by simply “doing your own thing.” The board is set for you guys to date.

Be patient, but deliberate in how you move forward. Yours to lose.

And if you want to maximize your chances of success?

Get my 18 hour masterclass.

6 hours of it alone are dedicated to game and applying it in a strategic way to get the girls you want out on dates.

And the rest of it is designed to help you keep those girls, and avoid the ones with the bad eggs.

Buy it here: https://masterclass.patstedman.com/sales-page

Reminder all purchases are deducted from coaching.

– Pat