Was asked to respond to a controversial tweet the other day:
I thought it was interesting this tweet came out just a day or so after I put up a poll on Twitter of guys in 1+ year long relationships.
Now, 1+ year is not necessarily all that long… but 1 year is enough to at least remove the most extreme “honeymoon phase sex” from the equation. We can say fairly confidently that this sample size includes a large number of cohabitating or married couples.
The results?
Not really that bad, honestly. Out of ~500 people, 52% were having sex at least every other day, and 37% at least once every 1-2 weeks. Only 11% had sex once per month or less — what I would call a dead or quasi-dead bedroom. Most in the comments were satisfied, and many said they’d have sex more if it were up to the woman (25% of people who want more sex in relationships are women!)
Moreover, it’s fairly well established that married couples have MORE sex than single people on average (numbers I’ve seen are similar to the above; 2x per week <50 years old), and have a more satisfactory sex life. So is it really true that a marriage would be sexually unsatisfying to a high-sex drive guy as Scoundrel states?
Possibly, actually. But it depends on really what he believes qualifies as “high sex drive,” and whether this is about sexual frequency or the desire for variety he assumes a high-sex drive guy would have.
If we are talking about simple frequency, you would need to be having sex at least 3-4x per week to beat the average. This is possible as a single guy but you need to have really good game and need to make meeting women a high priority (unless your status is exceptional and hot women fall into your lap).
The number of guys who fit either of these categories are low. But it’s possible if you are among them, you might be better served sexually by being single. However it is also worth noting that if the married average is ~2x per week, that means there are a number of married couples who have sex nearly every day.
So why does it seem like the perception is different?
My contention is it is less about sexual frequency for these guys than sexual opportunity. Which makes sense, considering the male sex drive is “predatory;” it is fueled by conquest. Such a man might have his woman available for sex on demand, yet if he has already conquered her — at a certain point it still won’t seem enough. Like pillaging the same town over and over whose gates are open.
Most of the guys I’ve interacted with who were “too high sex drive for monogamy” ultimately had less sex than the ones I know who are committed if you ran the numbers. They’d have some weeks of abundance with multiple women, and then droughts — even a month or so could go by before they got a new girl.
But they felt like they had more sexual opportunity being single, so even if they didn’t have sex for a period of time, they felt more sexually free — “in theory” they could get a new girl if they wanted. They had more upside. Which mattered more to them than the actual results. Kinda like an entrepreneur vs a highly paid employee. Would you rather make a guaranteed 200k with a 100k performance bonus, or would you rather run your own business and take all the risk: you could make 50k or 500k.
The analogy only breaks down because money is money. But people are different.
If sex to you is simply a product of lust and animal drives, then you are unlikely to be satisfied in a marriage regardless of how much sex you get. You will want the optionality and the novelty of new lovers.
But if sex is also a way to connect with a woman… then it’s a very different story.
Because then you will want sex with her over and over. You won’t get “bored” that she is familiar territory.
And your desire for her will spark her OWN desire to for you. Because at the core of a woman’s sex drive is the need to be pursued by her man.
The marriages that have more sex get this. The marriages that see their sex life collapse don’t. They don’t grasp the importance of connection in maintaining a woman’s sexual desire.
That doesn’t mean of course you should discard *any* consideration of excitement. Sure, try some new things, mix it up. But it’s important to understand that these are different sexual circuitries. Getting degenerate might spice things up temporarily, but plays on drama and has extreme consequences when it inevitably runs wild.
In a relationship, connection needs to be your bedrock circuit if you want to have a fulfilling sex life.
And if your relationship lacks this, and you’ve struggled cultivating it?
Don’t be an arrogant idiot. You need help.
You need help dealing with your own shame, which stops you from communicating your boundaries and needs.
You need help dropping your defense mechanisms, which is keeping your woman from feeling connected to you.
And you need help navigating your woman’s emotional triggers so you don’t fall back into the same dysfunctional, passion-destroying patterns you’re used to.
Overall, you need help from a professional like me.
When you are ready to do the work, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
