Interesting tweet came up on the timeline yesterday:
Lot of truth in this comment. And yet, apply this incorrectly in practice, and you may find women change their mind about just how territorial you should be.
What Fiercely Virgo presumably means in this case is that she wants her man to “claim” her. She wants to be desired. She doesn’t like the idea of another man hitting on her, and her own man doing nothing. It’s the equivalent of leaving the border open. Shows he is passive / complacent, has a cuck fetish, or simply doesn’t care about her — all unattractive things to a woman.
This makes sense. The only problem is… women also hate it when their man is jealous or controlling. It comes across as insecure and smothering, like they are constantly walking on eggshells.
So please understand that while “being claimed” is a universal desire of healthy women… there is a fine, subjective line as to how they want this expressed. Some women like it when their guy is possessive over them, others bristle at it.
And which side a woman falls on is connected to her attachment pattern.
More anxious women, for instance, want their man to be extremely attentive and block out all other attention from other guys. If he doesn’t, she will assume he doesn’t care, which will lead to dramatic displays like her acting out to elicit even more attention (to provoke his reaction). If this happens enough she will jump ship if another desirable guy gives her the attention she seeks.
More avoidant women, on the other hand, will invite attention from other guys and may even casually flirt back. These women are more “independent” and don’t like to be controlled; they view a guy hovering around her as needy and smothering. She will get frustrated he can’t relax and trust that she isn’t truly interested in anybody else; it will push her away, and ultimately out of the relationship.
(Note: More anxious guys are likely to get defensive when his woman is hit on, and more avoidant guys are likely to pull back from the girl herself for not handling it. Knowing that anxious and avoidant people often pair up together, you can see how this could create problems!)
The more secure a woman, the less she is going to fall to either side of the spectrum. But these women are still going to want you to walk the line of letting other guys know she is yours — without getting insecure when competition presents itself.
Which requires subtlety and tact. Do NOT get belligerent, or passive-aggressive. Assuming you are not at that moment with her, I find the best move is to ascertain whether or not the suitor is indeed pursing your girl, or whether it is just a brief interaction that will dissolve on its own. This means not necessarily inserting yourself immediately — give it a minute or two. You don’t want to come across as threatened, and you also frankly want to see how she responds to him. If she is very open and flirtatious rather than just polite, you need to be careful about the woman you are seeing.
At any rate, after you’ve let the interaction go a few minutes, there are a couple of options. The classic move is to come in next to her, touch her “hey babe, how are you?” and introduce yourself to the guy, while being friendly. Your girl will respond to you warmly, he will usually ask or figure out that you guys are dating — the situation ends there. You have claimed her without coming across as awkward or insecure.
(Note: If he approaches her aggressively — come over immediately and firmly introduce yourself to him, let him know the deal. Not a time for subtlety, just raw masculine energy!)
The other option is variation of the above, where you get in her line of sight, and smirk at her as the guy is talking to her. This lets her know you see her, and you are amused by the situation. You can then either come over or leave it another minute or two before intervening. Can make it fun for her, because she knows her guy is confident and wants her, but she also gets to soak in some of the validation from the guy who is also pursuing her.
But the most important thing is NOT to simply take these approaches and use them in a cookie-cutter manner.
You need to know YOUR woman and what sort of treatment she prefers.
If she is more sensitive to being ignored by you, then intervene earlier. If she is more of a free-spirit, give her space.
And if doing either of these things are an issue to you based on your own anxiety, then talk it through with her the NEXT day. Don’t cause a scene that night. Lock it up.
Within reason this is not something you can just “expect” the other person to do or not do, as there is a wide range of what is acceptable that depends on the person. I have dated girls who freaked out if other women were flirting with me, and dated girls who found it funny or even hot. There is no “normal” here.
Which means you need to set AGREEMENTS with her — do not simply have expectations.
But if you are most couples, you probably don’t have such things ironed out.
Because your communication SUCKS.
You are too locked into your ego, and afraid of being open about what you really want, in case it makes you look weak.
You simply have “demands” because “obviously” this is what she should do — *she* is the problem. None of it is your fault, because that would be impossible.
(I’m looking at you, emotionally damaged Red Pillers)
Anyway, when you are ready to grow up and actually have a healthy relationship… you can apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
