Are Smart Women OK With Men Who Take Risks?

A reader responds to my last email on Why Brilliant Men Must Marry Smart Women:

I’d love to see another one of these going over the concept of the feminine needing stability as it relates to intelligence. Often times smart men are unemployable and as they are going through a phase of building a new venture that requires some level of risk (whether that be a previously “unsuccessful” man or someone who has built something before) my experience has shown that even highly intelligent women don’t do well with the risk of that venture going belly up or having to deal with the short and medium term sacrifices necessary to build that venture to the point that the proverbial foot can be taken off the gas a bit. Again, great read, looking forward to more! 

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Well, the short answer is… not necessarily. Women actually LOVE risk-taking men. But whether or not they love BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP with them is a different story.

If you’ve been around here, you should know at this point my paradigm of attraction consisting of desire and comfort.

Unsurprisingly, what you see is the two at loggerheads with each other here. Risk-taking corresponds with excitement, which create desire — but it conflicts with stability, damaging comfort.

Essentially all women would sleep with a dare-devil, war hero, astronaut, extreme sports athlete, guy who deals with wild animals (think Steve Irwin) given a risk-free opportunity (no one would find out/shame them) — especially if he is physically attractive (in most cases this isn’t even necessary). Criminals also clean up pretty well with women who lack scruples, while on the flip side activists who face down power structures always generate devotion from idealistic women (see Assange and his wife). Character or other merits aside, all of these men are brave — they are living on the edge, and are thus exceptional. They are nature’s successful experiments, and women — as nature’s genetic ambassadors — on a visceral level want to sleep with them and bear their children. And they act on their sexual impulse quickly — after all, you never know how much longer these men will be around.

Entrepreneurship doesn’t affect desire quite as much as these categories as its risks are more abstracted and financial. Nevertheless, similar feelings of her man “living on his edge” are generated. So assuming the venture isn’t in crypto (just kidding guys!) it’s likely to turn her on that you’re a man with ambition who is willing to risk failure to achieve greatness.

Whether a woman would be happily married to one of these guys is a more complicated question however. Of course most women love the *idea* of being with one of these risk-taking dudes, not only because of what his capacity to handle risk says about his nerve, but because fame, fortune, and a life of general excitement tend to follow these men. He’s got the full package on paper, and these women want to lock it down.

But these fairy-tale romances rarely turn out as they’d like — for both parties. The men themselves might fall for these women because they are incredibly supportive of them at first. Yet as time goes on, the reality dawns on these women that these elite achieving men are usually quite preoccupied with their pursuits… and that success isn’t always guaranteed. Comfort issues begin to develop, the relationship becomes filled with fights and drama, and eventually collapses.

That’s the normal course, at least. But it depends on the woman. Every girl has a required cocktail of comfort and desire; some have more risk tolerance (prefer more desire, less comfort) than others.

Yet I haven’t seen intelligence play a role in this, except perhaps in the sense that intelligent women are already “better off” and so have more to lose by being with risk-takers, particularly when the risks are life and limb. If you’re a girl in the slums (assumption here is lower IQ, though obviously there are exceptions) — you’re going to be willing to risk “committing” to a gangbanger or race car driver because these guys are your only escape hatch from poverty.

If you’re a girl who just graduated from Stanford, however, you probably want a guy in finance, law, or specialty medicine that can provide a stable income (and meet status obligations) rather than the above. The greatest risk these women will accept is an entrepreneur — but he’s going to be expected to have VC funding.

So if you tie it all together the pattern becomes clear. Women’s risk tolerance is based on what their social cadre tells them they should accept.

For instance, upper middle class girls who were raised around basic white collar jobs were “programmed” by their parents and social circle to marry guys who had similar risk-averse work.

Marrying a guy in combat infantry who is going to be deployed regularly would be breaking from this milieu — unless she’s from a military family, in which case she may actually prefer such a man. Yet if the country were in full mobilization, then every girl would be going through the same thing with men, the social expectations would have changed. And her preferences would accordingly.

As you might infer at this point, the easiest women to date as an entrepreneur are women who grew up in entrepreneurial families. These girls *know* the ups and downs of business and that sometimes things don’t work out. They like the excitement and are less stressed by the uncertainty.

Other than these macro factors, it’s down woman to woman.

But the biggest factor as always in this is your own frame and communication.

I started my business in 2015, in the early days when dating and relationship coaching was not only uncommon but perplexing to most people (frankly, it still is). And while I knew I was good with women, and that I could use that hard-won experience to help other guys, I had NO idea how to go about doing it.

All I knew was that I was going to figure it out.

My wife decided to take a calculated risk and bet on me. She knew I was intelligent, and understood the rewards of income-control and work-freedom. She trusted me to figure it out, and build a new future for us.

But the reality is the first two years were dismal, and the next two — while significantly improved — were still slow. The promises of six-figure success didn’t materialize until 2019.

So how did we get through *four years* of my wife more or less supporting me?

Because I had ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY of success.

I knew even if I was failing at the moment, that I WOULD OVERCOME. Nothing was going to stop me.

And so even when she doubted, she would look at me and stay the course.

Which brings me to you.

You have problems with women. Do you KNOW you will prevail over them?

I don’t try to push most guys for coaching because, to be frank, most guys are uncoachable.

They do not *know* they will get better with women. They don’t believe it.

Which means they would actively try to PROVE ME WRONG if I tried to show them the way. And then they would resent me for “wasting” the substantial amount of money they paid.

I have no interest in such arrangements.

If you do not believe you will get better with women, that is your guaranteed future. I will not get in your way. Not everybody is meant to be saved.

I will only work with men who are WILLING TO SWIM to their own salvation.

Men who have decided they are going to make it. And who know I am simply the man to help make that happen for them.

Are you one of these men?

If so, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat