I tweeted out something very important the other day:
Let me reiterate the above:
DRAMA = NO COMFORT
INDIFFERENCE = NO DESIRE
DO NOT MIX THESE TWO UP.
If a woman is ignoring what you say and doing whatever she wants regardless of how it affects you then YES you have lost desire.
But if a woman is *nagging* it is because she views you as the leader… she just doesn’t feel like you are leading well (with her interests in mind).
She doesn’t feel COMFORT in your leadership.
The question of course is why this is.
Perhaps you are being selfish in your leadership. Ego-driven. Doing things for yourself, and not thinking about her.
More likely, however, you are triggering her inadvertently. You’re overly focused on your work, you’re absent-minded (in your head), you’re not reliable and don’t do what you say you will do. And you suck at communicating what you need from her, managing what she needs from you, and dealing with her emotions without getting defensive.
These are issues the red pill deals with *at best* obliquely. Because the red pill’s fundamental approach towards all things women is increase your desirability. Comfort is “beta” and so treated with suspicion.
Which is dumb. Because if she married you it’s pretty likely there was a lot about you that she desired.
I know, I know.
“But Pat, Alpha fux, beta bux. Women marry betas after they are finished with the alpha cox xarousel. Women only marry guys they are LESS attracted to. This is a calculated decision by a woman before she’s about to hit the wall to get provisioning” (because women are logical creatures and don’t operate based on emotion???)
OK are you done being retarded yet?
I am not going to say women never marry guys because of provisioning or because they are “safe.” It happens. But the overwhelming amount of women will not marry men they are not attracted to. Especially not now when very few women *need* a man for survival. This is not like it was 100+ years ago where an attractive daughter or single-mom widow would marry some rich old fart because her family / kids need his wealth, and she has an obligation to sacrifice herself for their survival.
No. What happens is that a woman chooses to marry a guy who she has both desire *and* comfort with. In other words, the full package.
To the extent women settle in these decisions, it’s how much they are willing to cede some desire for necessary comfort. Perhaps they dated a guy in the past who was 80/100 desire, 10/100 comfort. This “complicated” relationship was hot for a time with a lot of ups and downs, but ultimately made her feel like shit about herself. After she had enough, it inevitably ended.
And then she met you. You are 70/100 desire but 90/100 comfort. You were a way better match and met her needs more comprehensively than the other guy. This is why she fell in love with you and wanted to marry you.
Guys get fixated on this minor differential in one category and think it means they are “lower” in her eyes than the other guy. This is a reflection of poor self-esteem; it is little different than you — 6 feet, 6 inches, and 6 figures — comparing yourself negatively to a deformed homeless dwarf she dated in the past who had an 8 inch cock. To the extent you should express any emotion towards this, it should be amusement at her mistakes, and how far above you are from her past suitors and competition.
The reason these blissful relationships sour over the years is because your stats begin to go down. Maybe you put on 15lbs of fat and are a little less decisive, so your desire drops to 50/100. But the big issue is that because you became complacent she feels like you stop caring about her. You take her for granted and stopped putting effort into connection. The comfort has dropped to 40/100 as a result. Overall you’re in the red… but the problem is mostly comfort not desire.
Guys in this situation who happen to follow the red pill get the diagnosis backwards. They see her nagging and disrespectful behavior increase, so they hit the gym and act more assertive. They bring the desire back up to 70/100. OK, no complaints here. But then they act even more indifferent to her feelings and start letting her know (directly or indirectly) that he has other options. The comfort drops to 20/100.
What happens next? Fights intensify. Guy either doubles down on being an asshole. or he capitulates bringing his hard-earned desire down for minimal change in comfort. The stats hit a critical level, and she comes to the conclusion he is abusive and/or weak, and that “she doesn’t know who he is anymore.” She separates. Then he messages me asking me to save the relationship.
I am brilliant at what I do, but this is stage 4 cancer. Now there are no guarantees. Most likely I can only help you learn from this and set you up future. If only you had come to me earlier, and not listened to a bunch of accounts who regurgitate each other and have no idea how healthy relationships work! If you think I am expensive, just wait until you head to divorce court — and don’t forget to add to that calculus the emotional cost of all the years you flushed down the drain.
You need to understand: fixing a relationship is like surgery. You cannot plug and play platitudes. Desire-maxxing has its limitations. A woman who desires you will put up with more shit, but desire alone does not make a woman happy. It just means she will put up with being unhappy for longer. You need to provide comfort, and you need to get out of your head that this is a “beta” thing to do and so it must be avoided. Thinking otherwise is psychopathic and not the purview of a man who calls himself a leader. You will never have a healthy, intimate relationship until you deprogram yourself from this poison.
I am not saying the “red pill” is strictly incorrect. It is true. But it is also only part of the truth, and if you follow a partial truth dogmatically you end up committing to a lie.
In order to salvage the red pill, we must save it from linear thinkers and larpers. We must add the appropriate context and nuance to it, knowing which situations it is more true, and which it is less.
And in order to save your relationships with women you must do the same.
The question is: do you prefer to develop this discernment the hard way or the easy way?
Some of you have already chosen the hard path. The pain in your heart is plain to see.
But it’s not to late to change course. It is not too late the end your ignorance, which is the root of your suffering.
The choice is yours.
Stop digging.
And apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
