So first things first:
This email is not dealing with moral questions — we are speaking about a common yet ambiguous situation.
Let’s say you’re engaging with a girl — maybe someone you knew in the past and had a thing for — but you’re interested in “catching up” and ask her out. This an indirect approach, and perfectly normal in social circle game, where you need to be feeling out dynamics and should be careful about playing your cards too aggressively.
She accepts. But, after the fact — maybe looking at her IG, or hearing something through the grapevine… you suspect there is another guy in the picture in some capacity.
How do you deal with this?
Well you might say… proceed as if he doesn’t exist. After all, she didn’t mention him. Chances are, he doesn’t exist — right?
Perhaps. But also consider that a woman might entertain you even when she has another guy in the picture. And there are a few reasons for this.
First, she may not be fully satisfied with her new guy. Second, she considers you a valid addition to her circle of orbiters. Two can play this “indirect game,” right?
But if you and her have some history… there may even be a third reason to allow a “catch up” under these conditions… revenge. She’ll flirt and make you think the door is open, but once you make your move, she shoots you down. It’s a great way for her to get an ego boost, and close your chapter for good with the upper hand.
So what do you do when this “date” is looming, but you’re not sure if you’re walking into a trap?
As I told a client who was involved in this situation on a recent call… you want to front run the concern with a cocky assumption.
In other words, you want to ask her with a smirk: “So, how are things going with your boyfriend?”
This is a counterintuitive approach for many. But let’s explain why this works.
If you follow a standard escalation paradigm, you’ll flirt with her on the date, and then once she displays interest, you start to move things forward — both physically, and with a bit more verbal assertiveness.
But if she has a boyfriend, this is where you get thrown off. You think you have a runway… and then she blocks it. For most guys, this curveball causes an unavoidable crash.
Assuming she has a boyfriend throws her off however. First, you are conveying to her that you asked her out *with* this knowledge. Does that mean you aren’t actually interested in her? At a minimum this allows you to save face, and takes away any possibility of an ego boost on her end.
At this point you can friend zone her and play a long game if you so choose… or depending on the confidence of her acknowledgment, you can tease her about him, flirting with impunity. In this case you come across as extremely confident; you are not intimidated by the fact that she has a boyfriend. She is the one who has to reconcile the dissonance that she is on a date with a guy she feels something for… when she is technically dating someone else!
But there is another reason this approach works: maybe she doesn’t have a boyfriend. And by asking the question, you create an easy romantic escalation point for the two of you. “Oh, so it’s OK if we make love in the bushes after this date then.” It acts as a point where the tension can be released into openly acknowledged attraction.
You can look at this whole approach energetically as a form of aikido. You use the obstacle — or the opponent’s attack — to your advantage.
The problem?
Most guys — when confronted with these romantic skirmishes — get frazzled easily.
They might have a plan… but the moment she throws something unexpected at them, and they don’t know how to respond.
And so they lose key opportunities.
Not so much for my clients, however.
Because they have me in their corner to not only explain exactly what is going on with a woman… but how to proceed.
Yet they do not simply get these tactical answers; they get strategic perspective.
For instance, I will often tell a client how to win a battle… while reminding him that the battle is actually pointless to winning the war. Some women aren’t worth it, and you only “win” by seeing their games for what they are and avoiding them.
This kind of coaching is extremely powerful because it offers abundance from multiple perspectives.
I can give you what you want… while challenging how much you actually want it. So you grow exponentially not only through your practical challenges but self-sabotaging beliefs.
Anyway, I know many will have no idea what I am talking about here.
Which is fine.
Maybe you just need someone to tell you to “be masculine” 400x per week rather than rearrange your consciousness.
I know my role is to guide only the most intelligent and expansive thinking men.
They can apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
