One of the the common scenarios I deal with in my practice is divorce.
Guys come to me either too late in their marriage — they have “terminal relationship cancer” — and there is nothing to do but prepare them for the “afterlife.” Or, they come to me as it’s happening or just after, looking for guidance to navigate the collapse, and help rebuilding again.
Many of these guys have regrets, and realize if they had leaned into coaching sooner, they would have avoided this outcome (or would have gotten out the marriage earlier!).
But for the most part they’ve come to terms. They might still be sad about it, but they are prepared to leave — and to leave in peace.
Not always so much with the women, however.
And it’s hard to exactly understand why.
It’s not like these guys cheated or were abusive. Perhaps they could have been better husbands — they might have navigated conflict better, been more emotionally grounded, shown more masculinity and attractiveness.
But it’s not like they were “evil.” Indeed — very often the women themselves were the one who committed the real injustices in the relationship. They were the ones who were abusive and cheated.
So why — after all of this — do they make the divorce such a living hell for the man, going after all of his assets, stripping him of custody, etc?
Why do they try to inflict more pain on this person they don’t want to be with?
Why not just let him go?
I wrote about this in my email a few years back, Why Women Are Cruel To Weak Men.
It’s worth a read, as I go into this psychology in depth. But the gist is simple: women victim-blame to rationalize their own bad behavior. “I can’t really be the bad one, therefore if I’m acting this way it must be because he is — I need to punish him accordingly”
But there is in fact another reason these women go after these men.
It is a way to continue to maintain power over them, and to prevent them from thriving without them.
Divorces with these women tend to come in two flavors. Either the guy finally works up the courage to leave after years of abuse, or the woman makes the move (often prompted by her cheating), and the guy says “fine” and seeks a clean exit.
In both of these cases, however, the guy isn’t groveling. He either gets enough self-respect to leave in the first place… or essentially tells his ex to fuck off after she breaks trust. He’s ready to move on.
And this bothers her.
So she attempts to harm him in every way possible, because she feels his growing detachment from her. She wants to punish him for trying to break free.
Understand: even if there is another guy in the picture, she may still be paradoxically addicted to your energy. She wants to continue to parasite off of it. This means finding more ways to hurt you — more custody and child support battles, more legal proceedings — because this affects your energy and puts your attention once again on her… where she gets a cut.
To guys this makes no sense. If things don’t work out, we want out. We don’t see any reason to prolong things. It’s a waste of energy for both of us… right?
But to a woman with raw, distorted feminine energy — i.e. she has not done much to integrate her masculinity and learn to take responsibility, develop her own sense of self, etc. — this is a feature not a bug. She wants to take energy from you as long as she can, because she cannot generate her own.
Obviously, as a guy you want to avoid such women. I think few men reading this would disagree.
But the reality is many if not most of the guys reading this would jump into such a relationship — and wouldn’t think twice about it, until they were ensnared.
Because most men don’t know themselves.
They don’t grasp their own unconscious impulse towards the oblivion that is these women. They don’t realize they want to be drained.
They miss the weak spots in their ego where these women validate them, and sneakily earn their devotion. They think the interest of these women is unconditional and pure, when it is really mercenary.
They lack discernment, and choose poorly. So they suffer.
And they do it again and again. Because they lack the humility to learn.
The world is filled with such men, broken from their bad taste in women.
I used to feel sorry for them. I don’t anymore.
The truth is there are ample resources for these men to get help. To change.
But they don’t want to. Most men are stubborn and proud. They prefer bitterness and desperation to transformation.
Oh well.
I can only extend my hand.
It’s up to you to take it: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
