Put out a little poll on Twitter the other day to see what people think about an increasingly controversial topic:
Full disclosure before we begin though:
Yes, like 99% of men under 40 I have jerked off to porn in my life. And for most of that time I was a fairly regular user. I didn’t even begin to address the habit until 2016, and it took a few years to kick it.
But I haven’t ever paid for sex. So I don’t have a direct, personal comparison to this. I do have friends and clients, however, who have been with prostitutes… and will be drawing from their experiences (along with their of porn as well).
It bears noting while I don’t think using porn or seeing prostitutes are healthy actions, I don’t condemn guys for doing them. I know enough about men and their pain and struggles… my objective is to heal them and help them to release the shame that frankly fuels these actions.
So if your disposition is towards blanket judgment on these kind of topics you probably shouldn’t read this email.
With that said… let’s get into the data.
Looking at the answers, many people said prostitution was worse, as women are more likely to care about a man being with a prostitute than whether he looked at porn. I’m sure this is because porn is quasi-mainstream, whereas prostitution carries not only general stigma but the impression of disease, so a guy feels more “unclean” to a woman on multiple levels.
However, with respect to the ladies I wasn’t really asking what they preferred in theory. What I was curious about was how men felt it impacted them.
This is relevant not only because guys feelings matter, but because this effect on men impacts society. And frankly speaking, it impacts *women too*… as it determines how men show up in relationships.
Would a woman really prefer a man on porn-brain, than a guy who was present but saw a few escorts in his past? She may not like the idea of the latter as much, but in practice she will probably like this man more than the former.
But I digress. The majority online-opinion — which is backed up from conversations had with my friends and clients — seems fairly clear. Regular porn use appears to be far worse psychologically than seeing the occasional prostitute.
Make no mistake, I have heard some horror stories about guys seeing prostitutes, and how it felt gross and awkward. But, I have also heard stories about how they were actually fairly pleasant experiences.
The difference here seems to be quality and context. If you go to the red light district and book a slot, the transactionality and mechanistic nature of the sex is pretty unappealing. But, if you pay for an evening with an escort, it’s perhaps a very different vibe. Obviously it’s still a transaction, but this aspect is deliberately subdued. These women make the experience more than just sex, and so can be a net positive; even be sensual.
None of this exists with porn. You are looking at pixels on a screen, and are watching in most cases fabricated interactions. You are a voyeur. Indeed, you are not even present in reality. You dissociate. And since you have no participation requirements, you learn next to nothing; there is no experience with a woman gained from the process.
The reality is prostitution might be transactional, but there is still another human being you have to interact with. This in itself makes you more present. Yes, there can be a fantasy element involved, but you at least have to engage with a physical person.
For all of, it’s faults, it’s “lindy.”
So while I don’t recommend either to guys, overall it is probably better that a man see an occasional “higher quality” prostitute rather than develop a porn habit.
The reasons are simple:
- You can actually get comfortable with sex / learn to be better in bed from escorts
- You are not rewiring your brain in an artificial way that affects you dynamics with women in general
Sunsaunaandsteak summed it up best here:
The main thing you obviously need to watch for with prostitutes is obvious: make sure they are clean! Which is why if you go this route, you absolutely do not want to skip on quality — the health risks are enormous, and the experience will probably be much worse.
But I want to emphasize we are talking about two bad options.
Guys who don’t have a problem picking up women or who are in a passionate relationship are much less likely to care about porn or prostitution. They don’t need it.
Which is why it’s so important to know how to attract women on your own.
So if you’re still struggling with this… ask yourself…
What are you still waiting for?
It is important to be honest. If you are wasting your days struggling with something other people know *exactly* how to help you with, you are acknowledging you are content with being a failure in one of the most crucial areas of being a man.
And for what reason? Your pride?
“Pride goeth before the fall” as the scripture says.
Arrogance will get you nowhere in life. I spent over a decade humbling myself before men who knew more about women than me before I got to where I am today.
But by all means, waste another year before you’re ready to make the change.
I’m sure the girl of your dreams will just be patiently waiting for you to get your shit together.
As for those of you who’ve had enough?
You can apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
