A somewhat spicy email for you today. And one lacking in some of my usual nuance.
But a common situation arose with a client the other day… and figured it was time to give my two cents on it.
Is it possible to date across the political aisle?
The answer, as always, is… it depends.
Do you care much about politics / culture, or are you fairly agnostic? If so, then you can probably shrug off the beliefs of your average woman, as it’s not going to affect your dynamic (for now, at least…).
However, if you DO care about these things… then the short answer is NO you can’t.
Though it’s important to note that this is more a fixture of our times, rather than something I expect to exist in the future.
20 — even 10 — years ago, this wouldn’t have been too much of an issue. Because politics for the most part involved a difference in superficial views, not a difference in fundamental values.
These days the choice is far more stark. And while make no mistake there are still TONS of liberals who actually act with decent values in practice, their collective views (tolerance of removing the genitals of 5 year olds, full-term abortions, firing / excluding people who choose not to get experimental drugs) are gradually coming at odds with the moral self-image they have. Which is incidentally why we are seeing increasingly unhinged behavior and anxiety among this demographic. Most are not bad people, they’re just mixed up; it’s cognitive dissonance.
Nevertheless, my personal (and note: biased) perspective is that you cannot “coexist” in a relationship with these women. And there are a couple of reasons for this.
The first is simply psychological health. This group has been psyopped so badly since 2015 — and especially since 2020 — that most of them are at this point emotionally unstable. They’ve been manipulated too much, pulled in too many convoluted directions that their anxiety levels are sky high. They’re on edge, and looking for a boogeyman to blame and dump their emotional tension onto.
You don’t want to be that guy — and while things may seem OK now… after the honeymoon phase subsides, there will be a big target on your back. Even if you are not vocal about your disagreements, most of these women will feel compelled to start fights, as the mere existence of your disagreement underlines their own unconscious uncertainty about their own beliefs.
The second is long-term prudence. While it’s one thing to disagree about tax policy (which is mostly irrelevant, and neither of you can change), it is a big problem for your future children if your woman believes in cultural marxism and gender fluidity (and you don’t). The results of committing to such a woman can be catastrophic for your progeny. Even if she isn’t a zealot personally, not seeing drag queen story hour as a problem means she’s OK with your children getting groomed.
There are sins of commission, and sins of omission. You need a woman who will act like a mother hen, not sacrifice her children to moloch so as not to appear “intolerant”.
Finally — and most importantly — however, is how such a divergence affects the relationship dynamics itself. This may sound extreme to some, but the variance of your woman’s political views with your own is significantly correlated to your level of leadership in the relationship. If your woman doesn’t have similar beliefs as you, over the long-term she will not surrender to you in other relationship domains.
In other words… consider a woman’s accession to your politics to be a litmus test as to how much she is willing to be *your* woman across the board post-honeymoon phase.
But while it’s nice to find a woman who is mostly onboard with you from the start, it’s not strictly necessary. The vast majority of women hold the views they do not out of genuine conviction but because they are part of the “single girl” social milieu which largely demands a certain liberal perspective.
This can be changed. What’s required, however, is that you act with absolute conviction about your views, and a level of amused disdain for others.
The big trap I see conservatives get into with women is that they end up on defense and are forced to “explain themselves.”
This is framing failure. While it’s one thing to deflect on such topics when trying to sleep with a woman, if things are moving in a serious direction you should be qualifying her not the other way around. It’s the views you don’t have that are on trial, not your own.
I would not, however, seek to paint this as you vs her. Speak of “them” doing and believing disturbing / stupid things and present your red lines in stark terms, but don’t assign these beliefs to her (even if she probably has them). This gives her an out from the group, and allows her to agree with you — aka move towards you and away from them. It is very possible in time that she will feel increasingly alienated from that group since she now has a “new home” with a strong, attractive man she adores.
But remember… there are no guarantees with this. I would say probably half of these liberal women are not going to change no matter who you are or what you do. The programming is deep. Gain clarity, and if necessary cut your losses and move on. Remember it is indeed her loss in the end.
Anyway, enough said.
If you need help dealing with political differences in your relationship, and are trying to figure out if you can save it… or if you will need to move on…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
