A month or so back, I had a great email exchange with a woman who used to have quite a big account in our corner of Twitter. Indeed, she was so early to the “manosphere” you might call her one of our original “e-girls.”
She had a rough and somewhat “degen” past (nothing extreme, essentially your average girl today), but unlike the vast majority of such women she fully owned up to it and sought a different trajectory in life.
Anyway, not long after coming into this corner, she got involved with some hardcore “red pill” guy. Who unsurprisingly, had super alpha opinions about women, yet in practice didn’t have his life together and was emotionally abusive. Case in point, in spite of her doing everything she could to surrender and be feminine — to follow the “red pill” caricature of a good woman — he hedged on marriage; she wasn’t “good enough” yet.
And so, after a long period of vacillation and guilt, she finally pulled the plug on the relationship.
Many were extremely pissed off at her. They saw her as a hypocrite. After all, you’re not a good woman if you leave a man right 😉
I knew better.
At any rate, she had this to say about the following email I know many of you have read (emphasis mine):
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Your email makes me reflect on the past 4 years of my life, because 2018 was when I really started to shift. Early that year I’d had the epiphany, for lack of a better word, that I was fully capable of health and healing and happiness (despite what basically everyone told me given my mental diagnosis, medication status, and life status), and started making moves to integrate that into my life, and at a certain point I got so far along this journey, I realized my ex was simply incompatible with this reality.
That was why after the initial blowback and shock, it was a huge high and release, both literally and energetically, to break up with him, and allowed me to continue my upward trajectory. And that is what allowed me to meet a man better than I could dream a few months later, instantly attract him & inspire him to pursue me, and enter a healthy, connected relationship with him that has grown into a strong marriage, despite being several years “post wall,” “barely fertile” according to most of the men online I’d been surrounding myself with.
Anyway, you know my story. The point is, it wasn’t about the discipline of eating healthy, or dressing in a feminine way, or working out, or doing a certain formula of attraction moves with the guy I liked. It was that I had finally begun to embody a worthy, feminine woman who desired to stay home with children and have a beautiful home and who valued legacy, and so I attracted a man who wanted that. A year or so prior I was still practically begging a deeply in debt loser who was sick (and unwilling to recover -> capitulation) and living with his parents to marry me and give me any morsel of affection or approval, all while I was the one moving mountains to maintain the relationship.
Now I have two adorable babies who I stay home with, a beautiful new home, a husband that has 5x his income since we met and who supports all of this and who pays for me to have help during the day so I can make sure to get enough sleep & recovery after bearing two of his children in one calendar year. And he’s happy and proud to do it. My self 10, even 5 years ago would not believe this was possible and would have difficulty recognizing herself in my life.
I say this not to brag (well, maybe just a little), but to emphasize what you know: the importance of embodiment and doing the inner work to get there.
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This excerpt expresses a range of factors that make women feel lower self-esteem, and stop them from getting what they want. Each of these variables — poor body image, bad mental health, abusive relationships — all contribute to the narrative of a woman being “damaged goods.”
But let’s zoom in on the one guys obsess over as the chief source of problems: promiscuity, and how it makes women unable to pair bond.
In practice of course this is often true. But what’s important to understand is it is not the promiscuity itself that ruins a woman, per se, but the shame that comes with it.
Of course, most women claim not to have shame over sleeping around. Nevertheless, their behavior indicates the opposite. This is why they either try to hide their sexual exploits, or conversely brag about them. By attempting to own them — to normalize them — they are trying to compensate for their bad feelings through approval from others.
Unsurprisingly, most of these women express ambivalence or outright disinterest in getting serious with a man or starting a family. But perhaps more telling, if a good man were to enter the picture and offer such things, these women would either find some way to sabotage the relationship, or would spend the course of the relationship punishing the man for choosing her.
Ultimately they cheat on and leave these “betas,” either preferring to chase men who treat them poorly, or committing to a single life fling after fling, which gives them emotional safety and the illusion of control.
How a woman exactly deals with her self-disgust depends on the woman herself and the stage of life she is in. But the point of all of this is simple:
A woman’s shame make her internalize the belief that she isn’t worthy of having a deep loving relationship and a family.
Men tend to miss this, because they are so preoccupied with how women affect them. But this observation is in fact crucial to everything. Shame creates a self-destruction program in women that actively works to stop them from being good mothers and wives.
(Read: Why Your Woman Stops Wanting Sex)
Which is why I never say it is “impossible” for a woman who has been sexually abused, or who has been promiscuous (same thing) to be worthy of commitment. Just unlikely. Because as a result of those experiences, she likely does not believe herself to be worthy, and that is where the problems lie.
In order for this to change, the woman has to release her shame. She needs to drop her ego-preservation and take ownership of her past… while at the same time not letting it define her. She needs to decide that who she was does not condemn her to future unhappiness. She needs to ask for grace.
But unfortunately, most women will not do this.
They will either deny, or double down. Rather than accept that they deserve love from a place of humility, they demand it from a position of entitlement. We have all seen the dating profiles of these women; they are not the ones I am referring to.
Yet I am perhaps more optimistic than most.
Because as my subscriber above indicates, releasing shame — and embracing love — is possible for a woman. No matter her past.
But I will note while you *can* have an important role in helping this healing, such a change can only happen from inside the woman herself.
Which is why my coaching is multi-pronged in its approach.
First, I help you to clear out your own shame. Because shame-filled people resonate with each other; you will attract damaged women based on your own level of damage.
But second, I help you to discern and qualify women correctly. Some women are open to healing, others are not. If you attempt to “help” a woman who is self-destructing, she will take you down with her. I will show you how to see such women clearly, and avoid them.
Then finally, I will show you how to attract the right woman.
And not only keep her…
But deepen the love between you. Clearing out, piece by piece, all the baggage that stops further levels of connection.
Most coaches wear one of these hats.
I wear all of them.
If you want me in your corner, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS Each module of the masterclass covers these topics. So if you are looking for a lower-cost way to learn from me without the hands-on attention, buy it here.
