One of the things that defines the manosphere, certainly compared to the mainstream, is its admirable focus on personal growth.

If you’re not where you want to be, you need to work towards it. If you’re weak, if you’re poor, if you suck with women — and if you have filthy or self-destructive habits that block you from improving in these things — then you need to change them. And you need to change them ASAP.

I’m sure this works for some guys. There are enough stories of hyper-disciplined dudes white-knuckling it through their weaknesses that I’d be foolish to say they don’t.

But the reality is, for most men self-improvement is a slog.

They identify the “bitch” inside of them and fight against it. They know they are not “good enough.” They know where they need to get to. Why be satisfied with where they are at now: mediocrity, or worse?

I can understand the reason for this approach. And you are welcome to continue on this path as long as you want to. You will advance on it, I’m sure, even if only in inches.

However, if you are tired of your slow, grinding progress — indeed, if you are tired of being tired of yourself, then I might recommend something different.

Accept where you are at, acknowledge how it’s affecting you… yet release attachment to changing it at this time.

When I tweeted this out the other day, as usual it flew over many people’s heads. I get it — on the surface it seems like a fairly weak statement.

But this is because most people don’t understand how energy works.

“What you resist, persists.” If you consider something you are doing as not simply bad, but a personal failing, then you are creating shame around that issue. Shame creates internal pain, which leads to a lack of deservedness, which leads to unconscious self-sabotage. The process repeats. You struggle against yourself, and your self responds defensively.

Such force is energy intensive, and exhausting. You can perhaps wield it against one habit, for a time, but juggling multiple “self-improvement” fronts at once will burn out the vast majority of men. And in their exhaustion they will relapse. Their vice sees their weakness and capitalizes on it, regaining old ground. The trench warfare continues.

And the worst part about this “war against yourself,” is that even in victory it is pyrrhic. Some men forces of nature with strong wills to power. These men often do achieve victory over themselves, boasting success in all material domains: women, money, fitness, and status. Yet they are rarely contented with any personal peace treaty. They always seek a new campaign, even before the last is over.

Many men look at this as a worthy way of living; it is living on one’s edge, as I so often talk about. But there are multiple ways to live on your edge. You can win the battles of personal development with heavy casualties, or to paraphrase Sun Tsu, you can win them without firing a single shot.

The difference between the former outcome and the latter is simple: know thyself. Know where *you* are at. Know in what areas you are ready to change. And know when you are ready to change them.

Focus on degrading the position of your vice, of deconstructing its value in your life, but allow it to exist. Allow yourself to feel the implications of it on a regular basis.

But do not aggressively fight against it. Do not amplify its importance. Deprive it of energy to defend itself by resisting the urge to attack it. Yes, see it for what it is… do not be in denial. Know in your heart not only that it must change, but that it will change.

But spend your energy creating, bypassing the vices, allowing them their place for now. Keep them pinned down, without advancing on them. Until you are truly ready for them to change.

This approach is what I like to call strategic patience. It is moving forward in the areas where you are most inclined to move forward; where there is the least resistance. It is preparing the battlefield. So that bit by bit, you advance around the more entrenched vices, until they are surrounded, and are forced to surrender.

The wisdom of this is in the self-awareness to know priorities, and to understand seasons of life. The fact of the matter is, everybody reading this email has ways they can improve their lives. The question is not whether growth should happen, but which growth, and when.

It is for this reason I stopped setting annual “goals” for myself long ago. I am in so little resistance to myself at this point, that I only need to listen; the inevitable outcomes of the coming months and year are presented to me. I do not “choose” them. I simply have knowing that it is their time to happen. I do not force the ones that need longer to marinate.

I will give a recent personal example: exercise. Since late 2017, I have basically been a “twice a week” gym guy. Sure, I’d also walk long distances — 5-10 miles each day. Given the above I was obviously not in bad shape, but I was also not what you would call “manosphere fit.”

I had awareness of this weakness for awhile. I also knew, however, that it was inevitably going to be solved. Yet I was not really ready to solve it — there were other areas of growth, inner and outer, that occupied higher priority. So I allowed myself to focus in those domains, keeping the level of gym-time I could easily implement, even as I knew that in the long term it was not ideal; my higher goals demanded greater levels of strength and fitness.

Over the course of those 4 years I transformed my business, my family dynamics, my social network, and my marriage — none without pain, but all extensively for the better. My profile became far more public, which has led to difficult challenges, but also extreme growth. I changed tremendously; most especially in my spiritual and mental toughness.

But not so much in fitness. It was one of the last key domains, as I knew it would be. Yet I had “prepared the battlefield” to one day tackle it. It took time. But in January of this year, I was ready. And just like that I began going to the gym 4-5x every week. Effortlessly.

There is only one catch to approach. And it is indeed somewhat meta, and paradoxical.

Many of you may not be ready to change your approach to growth.

You may need to continue to experience extreme pain and self-loathing for years to come. You may be committed to self-sabotage and struggle. You may find meaning in struggle, and may still desire resistance.

In other words, you may enjoy doing things “hard.”

And so to the extent you look for a coach, you look for one who will amplify that critical voice in your head. Whose job is to add his energy to yours, and push you over the edge to victory in your fights against yourself.

I am not that coach.

I unravel knots, I do not pull on them tighter. And I do not work with guys who are looking to recreate the fights in their heads with me.

I am for men who want to get better. Who want to not simply change their outcomes, but to change the way they engage with reality altogether.

Because indeed, that is the fastest and easiest way to change.

Those who seek such change can apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat