Saw a reddit post a twitter few days back that was very disheartening for some people:
My response to this was simple:
However, some people wanted a further elaboration. So I will do my best to be concise, and get to the heart of the issue here.
This guy is immature and does not want an actual marriage. What he wants is a fantasy girl who is going to meet everyone of his needs — even ones that are not simply uncommunicated, but unconscious and unanticipated.
In other words, marriage isn’t what he “expected” because he had the wrong expectations.
This isn’t surprising, given that he grew up in an environment without women. It’s easy to fantasize about what you don’t have.
But I won’t put excess fault on the guy, because after all his expectations are a product of his environment. And unfortunately in many religious communities, it is common to encourage the “fantasy marriage” where sex and intimacy are automatically met post-nuptials, and all problems are solved.
Of course, in reality none of this is true. Indeed, it is in many ways the opposite.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong. But it’s purpose is not to solve your problems. It’s purpose is to reveal them so you can deal with them and actually get your needs met.
Unsurprisingly the commenters on twitter and reddit don’t get it. The replies are all panic and cope, “look guys don’t give up on marriage, it’ll get better I swear!”
No it will not get better, because none of these people are serious individuals. This guy, despite acknowledging that his wife has done nothing wrong, nevertheless blames marriage as his reason for unhappiness.
The truth is that he would be unhappy regardless of what he does. Sure, if he were single, he would not have many of his acute frustrations. But without a woman in the picture, others would soon re-emerge; he would once again become lonely and begin romanticizing.
Perhaps this leads to an identical repeat of the above scenario. Or, perhaps he comes to the “red pill” conclusion that the solution is to avoid commitment; dating women is OK, but keep them at arms length.
But all of this is simply negotiating with the reality that said man wants deep connection with a woman but doesn’t know how to get it, and is afraid of the pain of falling short. Rather than accept his own inadequacy, he blames what reflects this onto him: women, and institutions that bind him to them.
A week ago, this point was more or less made by the great Michael Foster on Tony Bruno’s show.
(WATCH: SEX LIES RELATIONSHIPS-Dating with a purpose-with Pat Stedman)
As usual, we had a lively and healthy tension with the “blackpill” crowd that frequents Tony’s channel. This topic of marriage came up, and the usual claims of how bad/risky it is came up.
Michael appropriately paced the crowd: “Ok, the black pill is all about truth, right, no matter how painful? Well here is a black pill for you: a lot of people have amazing marriages… with plenty of sex and intimacy. They exist. You need to accept that these people have something you do not. And you need to ask yourself why that is.”
Indeed, it was this observation years back that prevented me from ever going “full red pill.” I acknowledged all the problems with modern marriage, but I also knew not all marriages were disasters — far from it. Focusing on one truth while obscuring others ultimately becomes the worship of lies.
Neither marriage nor women will make you happy. Your marriage can only be as healthy as you are.
But the gift of marriage is that it forces you to do the work to heal. It triggers the pain you have tried to conceal from others, but offers the prize of the intimacy you seek in exchange for the work.
Only you can decide whether to accept this task.
If you want my help on the journey, apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
