One of the things that’s quite common in manosphere is this idea that dating and relationship issues are more or less the same.

Why do relationships fail or get stagnant? Because the guy “isn’t desirable anymore.” He’s not alpha. It is taken for granted that these single guys won’t ever mess this up — in spite of the fact most have never been in a relationship for more than 3 months, let alone 3 years.

But there is a problem with this kind of thinking.

Most of the time, it just isn’t true. Or at least, it is not the reason that the relationship is failing.

You see, the problems for 80% of single guys are completely different than the problems of 80% of guys in relationships.

While the former struggles to create desire, the latter suffers under the opposite problem: a lack of comfort.

Now, of course this is not *always* true. I said 80% and not 100% for a reason. But the reality is in most cases, the breakdown in intimacy — the reason your woman stops wanting sex and that the two of you fight — is because you are disconnected from each other.

Yes, it is true most guys need to lead more in their relationships. And it is also true that they can get complacent, both physically and psychologically.

But aloofness in marriage is more of a cause of relationship problems than improvements. Remember that if a woman married you, chances are she did so because she found you attractive. The desire is baked in the cake. It may be less flashy than in the beginning — it might burn less hot. But it has not evaporated just because time has progressed; it has evolved.

This is what single people, and many guys in stale relationships don’t get: they keep trying to fix their relationship by recreating the feeling that existed in the beginning. Even though doing this is impossible.

The fact is, you cannot bring back the novelty and mystery that exists when you first start dating a person. You cannot recreate those fantasies you projected onto them. Doing this is a recipe for suffering and frustration.

But you can connect deeper to them than you ever had before. To see them more clearly, with more desire and appreciation.

It is only this approach that allows you to bring back the spark that was missing before — and then some.

Which on a practical level means being more open and honest with her, not less.

This is confusing for many guys, because in dating aloofness is attractive. Women desire men who don’t “give up” their inner world easily — who even hold it back. Conversely, “nice guys” who “want to connect” come across as needy and unappealing; their oversharing makes them a known quantity not worth possessing.

The point is simple:

What got you the girl, won’t get you a good marriage with her.

You need to allow yourself — and the relationship — to evolve. You cannot resist these changes. You cannot hold back your truth and your feelings.

This doesn’t mean being a bitch, or letting your feelings overwhelm yourself and control your actions.

(In fact, that will happen if you DON’T do what I am telling you).

It means simply prioritizing connection and communicating how you feel — and how you feel about her.

Yes — there is bviously a lot of context to this. In some relationships the issue really is lack of desire — and you prioritizing connection will only dig you deeper into a hole.
But that’s less often a problem than you’d think. Most wives don’t find their husbands disgusting, they just feel like they have become strangers. And it is this lack of comfort that ultimately kills their desire.

Anyway, enough said.

If you want more sex and intimacy in your relationship, apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat

PS One of the great things about working with me is that I wear a lot of hats — and understand not only how to be successful with dating, but relationships.

Not a common skill. Most specialize in either – single guys can’t maintain a relationship, or committed guys have minimal experience with dating.

Which means I my services offer serious advantages for clients, as I can work with them throughout their lifecycle of romance. For example:

Once you single guys get into a serious relationship after working with me, I can show you how to set that relationship up for success from the get-go.

Or you committed guys — if your relationship is not salvageable… I can show you how to get back into the field, with the skills and mindset to date the women you want successfully.

The link to apply is here: www.patstedman.com/application