Is “Independence” Cope?

My take?

While I believe I understand the place that this person is coming from, the phrasing is poor… and is a classic example of someone swinging from one extreme to another.

It is is true, for instance, that independence is often used as a defense mechanism — especially by women. They will claim that they don’t “need” anybody, when the reality is they are desperate for connection. Yet they push the ones they crave away, because letting them get too close would force them to let down their guard, and make them feel vulnerable.

Indeed, this was what I attempted to address just a few days earlier after another woman’s tweet, which argued in some respects the exact opposite of tweet above. Many women “get hard” over the years, and while they may claim the blame is on men for not opening them up, for not making them feel safe — the truth is usually that they have at least some part in the shut-down of intimacy.

But there is a difference between pushing back on independence as a defense mechanism, and asserting “it’s ok to need people.”

“Need” is frankly a difficult word. For instance, we all do have “needs” — and getting these needs met is a major part of what makes us actualized individuals. Perhaps the biggest cause of suffering is because most people do not believe they deserve to have their needs met, and so block themselves from getting the intimacy and respect they crave.

But there is a fine line between acknowledging the existence and value of a need, and then making another person responsible for it. While saying “I don’t need anybody” might be a lie, saying “I need her” is disempowering. Indeed, it is a recipe for codependence. You have removed your own agency for obtaining your happiness.

The nuance here is that you have needs but *you* take responsibility for getting them. That means in a relationship, you might very well have certain things that only another person can help you meet — for instance, sex and intimacy. But it is that person’s choice whether or not they want to meet them. You don’t put pressure on them; you a) clarify your needs, and b) work with them on *their* needs too (hint: a lack of them getting these met is why they probably won’t meet yours)

Over time they help you reveal *and* deal with your wounds. And you do the same for them.

But you are not “dependent” on them — you don’t “need” them. You are simply committed — not simply on a physical but emotional and spiritual level to be there for each other.

Anyway, very precise and technical I know. But the reason to explore it is because it’s essential as a man that you walk that tightrope between acceptance of your emotions, and yet not giving external forces control over them.

Healthy marriages are not independent or co-dependent.

They are as Stephen Covey once said, interdependent.

Two self-actualized individuals working together to go even farther in their intimacy and growth.

If you want a marriage like that, apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat