|Short email for you today. But this topic’s been coming up a lot recently and needs addressing.
A lot of guys have this fantasy in their mind that they “want the woman to initiate.” They are annoyed they always have to “make the move,” and at a certain point will often stop trying to have sex altogether with their woman. They don’t feel like she wants it, and so hold back; frankly to protect themselves emotionally.
However, while part of this comes from a legitimate place, most of it is really about them. And here’s why:
Contrary to most mens’ imagination, we don’t actually like it when women initiate sex. Sure, we might get some emotional validation from it. But sexually, having a woman “make the moves” is not erotic for the vast majority of guys. Indeed, it is actually the reason a lot of men have performance issues — including in one night stands.
What guys are *actually* upset about when they complain about a woman not initiating, is that she is not excited. That she is not really putting off sexual energy. But this sexual energy that we want is not an “aggressive” one, it is a receptive one.
The reason most guys are mixed up about this is probably from porn, because in pretty much every porno the girl is the one who takes the lead. The guy is just a sex toy for her, she tries to please him.
But this is not how sex unfolds naturally, and if you experience this distorted dynamic in real life — yes, when a girl acts like a porn star — you will probably not like it. It feels “off” and fake, and the connection doesn’t feel natural.
So what is natural? And is there a way a woman can “start things off” without actually initiating like a man?
Indeed there is. But it requires a tad more subtlety.
You see, the natural role for a man is to pursue a woman. But the natural role for a woman is to entice a man.
On the surface this is her style, her perfume, the way she moves…
It is an insinuation of invitation.
But it is unspoken.
This is what supercharges the sexual energy between a couple. This is what creates polarity.
The man seems the woman open to him, and so he is encouraged to be a man and take what is his.
In a relationship, of course, it need not be quite as unspoken as in this initial interaction. The woman might make a comment, “hey, what are you up to?” — and that is enough for the man to know. Or, she might simply dress accordingly… he draws his own conclusions.
But this is the distinction that must be upheld.
Men don’t want a woman to go after them and grab their dick. But they also don’t want a compliant starfish. They want a woman who is open to their advances, and excited to receive.
If you are having performance issues, or struggling to get good sex in your marriage…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application