A very common source of anxiety in this corner is sex.
You see single guys constantly bragging about the new girls they “piped.” Others sharing conquest stories that make them look like casanovas (even if these were one-offs).
Which seems to put the pressure on guys in relationships to compete. In a community focused around male prowess, an indication of your alpha-ness is how much sex you have. And so you begin to see more and more accounts share how often they “get it” from their girlfriends or wives. They aren’t part of the “dead-bedroom” statistic, quite the opposite.
All of this bragging makes your average man wonder how he sizes up. He wonders what he’s missing. How often should he really be having sex? Is it every day, every week, or even longer than that?
You might be surprised to learn most literature on the subject indicates once every two weeks in a marriage with children is “normal” — or maybe better said it’s the minimum you should be having sex to maintain intimacy.
What do I think?
I think you need to take into consideration a lot of other variables to come to a meaningful conclusion.
For instance, let’s say you’re married in your 20s with kids. Is once every two weeks a good frequency for sex?
Probably not. A guy in his 20s should want sex almost every day. The minimum for this age bracket is going to be closer to twice a week, rather than twice a month.
It might be different story though if you’re in your 50s. Aside from the health geniuses out there who are aging backwards, most people have less energy at that point. A twice a month in this case is thus probably reasonable minimum.
But in truth this entire conversation is flawed from the outset.
Because the real amount of time you should be having sex is how often YOU want it.
Unfortunately, this is not as simple of a question as most guys realize.
Most guys when they’re asked this question will say something like “every day” or “every other day.” Some will even say twice a day!
But is this really how much they want sex? Or is that frequency the amount that validates their ego?
In other words, do they want sex twice a day… or do they simply want to be the guy who gets sex twice a day?
The reality is for multiple reasons, not limited to porn, most men do not have a “natural” connection to their sexual energy. Their interest in sex is either coming from some mind-driven, lust-fueled fantasy… or it is an emotional need that overwhelms whatever their body is telling them. Usually both.
Which is one of many reasons I suggest guys who want more sex in their relationships to focus on the fundamentals: be more present with your woman, and create more moments of intimacy throughout the day.
Yes, some women have higher sex drives than others… and these will tend to do this on their own. Indeed, to the extent these women have frustrations in the bedroom, it’s usually because their man doesn’t want it enough for them.
But the fact remains most women don’t have a higher sex drive than their man. And these women lose their desire further as both parties take each other for granted, and become distracted and exhausted with the day-to-day of life.
I cover this topic in much more detail in my blog post, Why Your Woman Stops Wanting Sex, so I won’t belabor it here.
The point is simply that you won’t know the natural timing of sex between you and your woman — aka “how much you should have” — until you get the sexual energy flowing between the two of you on a regular basis.
Once this connection is reestablished, and you are regularly touching each other and flirting throughout the day — you will start to realize how often you *actually* want that energy consummated. It will no longer be something you think needs to happen because it’s supposed to if you’re really “alpha.”
In practice, you will find it tends to ebb and flow. Over a period of time you might want sex every day — even multiple times a day. And then a week will go by and you will realize you only had it once or twice. Yet you feel connected to your woman, and not like your needs have been ignored.
At any rate, I think you get the idea.
Good sex is always downstream of good sexual energy. Do not fixate on frequency, focus on flirtation and making sure you connection is strong and healthy. I promise, you will get laid.
If you want help igniting this energy in your relationship or marriage, apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
