Something I talk about quite frequently on here is the concept of integration.
In case you are unfamiliar, it’s a psychological term, that derives from Carl Jung’s work.
Integration is the process of bringing forth the unconscious into the conscious.
This can be aspects of the shadow being brought to light. Or it can be the emergence of the anima/animus, aka the suppressed feminine (in males) / masculine (in females).
But a lot of people don’t understand integration in practice, which is why it usually gets promoted in the WRONG way and also thus attacked unfairly.
For instance, many in spirituality circles will talk about integration for men as if it is akin to “getting in touch with their emotions.”
These soft-spoken, chill guys and their feminist female counterparts are excited to “allow space” for men to “talk about their feelings.”
It is said that this is the key for men to evolve. They need a greater emotional understanding. And the fact that these men can do it means they are on the pathway to integration — unlike your average guy, who is repressed, closed off, and doesn’t even know how he feels.
This narrative, of course, is met by scoffs from the hard-core red pill crowd. They point out that women don’t like soft, emotional men. They consider integration and all the the feminine behavior around it to be effectively subversion; a factory to produce “weak, beta males.”
Which is why whenever I’ve talked about integration in these corners, I tend to get raised eyebrows. It’s indeed a large reason why back in the day Rollo Tomassi and his idiot brigade called me “purple pill.” I do think it is valuable for men to get in touch with their emotions, and I believe a man integrating his feminine is one of the most important things he can do for self-mastery.
And so I tend to get more sympathy for my views from the “nicer guys” rather than your average red pill alpha. They like the idea of integration — that men reach the pinnacle only when they can express how they feel. It implies their sensitivity has put them ahead of the curve in some way. The ones I work with acknowledge the importance of masculinity, and work to cultivate it — but their bias towards having spent a bit more time in the feminine shows.
There’s only one problem, however…
Integration is NOT about being more feminine!!!
This is a common misconception, misunderstood by both spirituality and red pill circles. Which is why they talk past each other.
Integration is about a *masculine* man getting in touch with his feminine… and then returning BACK to the masculine.
It is an exploration of the abyss. It is honing the full toolkit of being human.
It is NOT about languishing in feminine energy or behavior any more than “shadow work” is about killing and raping people.
I have spoken about this journey and the traps on it for both men and women on multiple occasions. But this really needs to be emphasized.
The reason you “get in touch with your emotions” as a man so that you become LESS CONTROLLED by your emotions. It is part of the process of being truly strong and resilient, rather than what you get in “masculinity 1.0” where a man might appear strong but is actually brittle, more easily manipulated, and tends to be emotionally volatile.
Moreover, the means by which most of these spirituality circles get men “in touch with their emotions” doesn’t simply help them release shame, but validates their emotionality. In other words, it’s not simply a place to process pain, it’s a place to connect via pain.
Which makes it depolarizing and DISEMPOWERING instead of integrating.
The reason I mention all of this stuff is simple:
When I talk about integration, DO NOT THINK FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND I AM OK WITH YOU BEING A PUSSY!
Most of the “nice guys” — despite meaning well — in fact have a lot of work to do on the FUNDAMENTALS of being a man. They lack a necessary hardness. They have not put themselves out on their edge. They have to go back to the basics — to the foundation — before they can start planning the additions to their manhood.
Yes — it’s important to have a “safe space” where you can share with other *men* the emotional burdens you’ve been silently carrying. But the point of these circles is not to dwell on your pain, it’s for you to know it’s OK that you feel it. It’s for you to know *you* are OK. You are not alone. You are not “fucked up” and “unredeemable.” Other men have faced similar demons, and are there to support you as you carry on.
But carry on you must.
At any rate, I hope you get the distinction here.
As a coach, I can expand your perspective and help you to clear out your shame. I can help you drop much of those burdens, and move more nimbly through life — and attract beautiful women in the process.
But do not underestimate the impact simply gritting your teeth and doing things that are hard will have on your masculinity and sense of self.
The men who need to be “letting it all out” are the ones who have already been plowing forward for years. The men who have too much tension in them already; who need to learn to let energy flow better and release.
They have accomplished the first step, and are ready for the second.
They are ready for integration.
But if you have been avoiding the arena, you are not. And so such approaches will not help you much.
The good news?
If you work with me and are one of these guys, I will tell you this. I won’t blow smoke up your ass.
I know deep work. And, regardless of where you’re at, I will help clear out your dissonance to make this process easier.
But I also know unless a man is angry enough about his situation — he won’t take action. And so he won’t really change.
Sometimes what a man needs isn’t sympathy… or even deeper awareness. He just needs to be galvanized.
Which is why among the many hats I wear, Shia LaBouef is one of them 😉
Anyway, enough said.
If you’re ready to turn your life around, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS If you are not ready to work with me, and you are looking for accountability… I highly recommend Ken’s group: https://manofintegrity.com/
