Got tagged in a man’s romantic dilemma on Twitter… a scenario which is not so uncommon:
My thoughts?
One thing that is extremely common — yet far more lame than most men realize — is the male inclination towards “stubbornness.”
It’s a style of masculinity particularly found in hard populations that have sustained a lot of shit over the years — think the old Oklahoma farmers who migrated west post-civil war only to later endure the great depression. Like their scots-irish ancestors they have nothing more than being told what to do. Indeed, they might do the opposite of what they’re told — even if they don’t want to — just to prove a point.
There are virtues to this archetype — such men are notoriously hard to manipulate; they are the stone that won’t move.
And yet, at the end of the day, these guys very rarely get what they want in life. And there’s a reason for that.
Stubbornness is a product of emotional avoidance and low self-awareness.
These men won’t consider change — even when it is a necessity, and offers the keys to their salvation — because they are AFRAID of what change brings.
It is weakness masquerading as strength.
And so, when I see men who proclaim they will “never get married again” — yet fall deeply in love with a girl who loves them, and who understandably wants a clear commitment — I see a guy who hasn’t dealt with his emotional baggage. Which is the root of that classic, foolish male inclination to cut off his nose to spite his face.
Presumably his new girlfriend is not like his ex-wife. Presumably he’s learned about women and himself as a result of his former marriage collapsing, and would not repeat the same mistakes.
Of course some of you might retort:
“Pat, the mistake was marriage — don’t you get it?”
No, I don’t.
Because I will repeat for the 1000th time something that is prima facie obvious — no the legal system isn’t fair or ideal, but if you are worried about divorce to the point of denying yourself the ability to stay with a woman you love, you are conceding that:
a) you have no true understanding of women or confidence in your ability to keep them interested in you, and
b) you believe that women have the power to destroy your life, and that you are unable to come back from this destruction
Both of these assumptions come from fear and weakness. And they are simply not points a man on his edge, with true self-confidence, would take seriously.
I simultaneously have confidence I will only deepen the attraction and love between my wife and I. And, I also have the confidence that if for whatever reason we do get divorced, I will come back from it emotionally and financially stronger.
I would personally much rather “risk” and see how the experience expands me than “play it safe” and see my life and emotional connection contract.
I am not worried about failure, I am worried about stagnation. I am worried about having regrets.
But this is a choice only you can make as a man.
There is no true safety in this world. Hide from your edge in your castle, and you will watch the walls crumble in on you.
Only movement matters. Only doing what scares you will expand you. And there is only true safety in expansion, because it is this expansion that stops you from being hurt.
There are millions of sad, lonely men wondering “what if” — because they were too afraid of a woman breaking their heart to actually live.
Anyway.
If you want help expanding yourself…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
