It’s funny how it tends to happen like this. But yesterday I had two situations with clients occur — and while the scenarios were different — each had remarkably similar themes.
In the case of one of these clients, he had been dating a girl for about a month. Things were going well, they had gotten sexual, they were messaging regularly… their dynamic was getting quite romantic.
But then abruptly, before their next date, she decided to end things. She called him an asshole over some comments he had made about women “hitting the wall,” and was offended that when he came over to her place he had brought a condom.
This was confusing to him. She said nothing about those comments at the time, and didn’t seem to change her behavior around him in the weeks after — she was very sweet in fact. And when it came to sex… she was messaging him after their encounter (which went to 3rd base) that “she wish they had done it.”
Yet here she was accusing him of misogynistic behavior and telling him that’s why she left him. What gives?
What I told him was simple yet essential for every guy to internalize.
There are different ways to go about getting girls. But if you are going to be successful, what is most important is that you are congruent.
This girl was NOT upset that my client had made some misogynistic comments or that he had brought a condom on their date. If she was upset she would not have blown him right afterwords and told him the next day she wished they had fucked.
What she was upset about, was that this guy — who at first was coming across as a “I don’t give a fuck asshole” — later started acting all cutesy over text with her, asking her how her day was going, trying to connect with her over intellectual things, being romantic, etc.
He was getting too attached, and she was losing attraction for him. And since as a self-respecting woman she didn’t want to tell herself she lost attraction for him because he CARED TOO MUCH ABOUT HER, she looked back for behavior that made him into the perfect asshole that justified her in leaving.
Now, you might be tempted to say this is proof that you need to be an asshole to get girls. This is yet another nail in the nice guy coffin.
However, there is a nuance here that is important.
While it’s plausible that this would have been the case with this girl, the issue is not so much that he should have been more of an asshole, but that his behavior showed that he was a FRAUD.
Here he is, acting like a guy who says and does what he wants to women… yet in truth he is very needy and emotionally dependent on them.
In other words, rather than be an attractive asshole, he became a mean nice guy.
Which ironically are the guys who get attacked by women, while the genuine assholes skate by without any problems.
Yet even being an asshole was not necessary here.
Not being needy — yes — that is always required. But he could have been romantic and treated her well, been complimentary, etc. Chill vibes and warmth work extremely well for men as well as dickishness, so long as said men also offer appropriate space.
The issue is that you cannot straddle two different styles of game.
If you are going to be a dick and be blunt about your opinions and desires, you need to own it 110%. You need to be completely unapologetic. As time goes on, she can “win you over” bit by bit. But you can never start to allow her feelings to control you.
What my client is experiencing — and he said this himself — is the pains of “contradictory programming” when it comes to women, which is a result of consuming too much red pill material without integrating it.
He loves and cares about women, but has also internalized that women are superficial and narcissistic. And so he acts both cold yet overly invested towards them depending on the woman and how she validates him.
What we are working on is shifting that so he can understand a woman’s dark nature, while also accepting women as human beings. And moreover accepting himself — so that his woman doesn’t have the burden of all of his needs.
Anyway, all the usual “deprogramming and rewiring” stuff I do in my coaching practice. Walking that tension between showing guys the truth, without making them bitter towards about it.
If this transformation sounds like something you need help with yourself, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
