A very provocative tweet went around the other day:
The question: is it true?
This is one of those very unsatisfying answers… yes and no.
“Yes” because he is correct that a girl at 28 should be on track for marriage. And “yes,” she is probably looking for some sort of clarity around whether this relationship will go the distance. A proposal 6 months in would definitely clear that up and not waste her time.
But the answer is also “No” because it is not your place to assume what a girl wants, nor is it your responsibility to “save her time.”
This is an attitude that annoys some people. So let me elaborate:
Adult women are responsible for their own on romantic decisions.
I get very tired of listening to women talk about what men “should do” for them.
“A real man won’t lead a woman on.” Ok, so let’s paint an extremely common scenario:
A 28 year old woman, after years of dating other guys, decides now is her time to “get serious.” She dates a guy, she really likes him — the guy likes her too. But he isn’t ready to put a ring on her yet. He’d prefer to wait to get to know her better. The 6 month mark approaches…
If he’s not convinced, should he sacrifice his own wants and put a ring on her because it is “theoretically” in her best interest?
(Hint: getting a man who doesn’t really want her isn’t in her best interest)
Or conversely, should he end things with her and move on?
What if she doesn’t want that? What if she is OK with waiting, to give it a chance? Should he pull the plug anyway?
I hate to sound “red pill” but it is not a man’s responsibility to consider a woman’s sexual timeline. If a girl doesn’t take relationships seriously until 28, that’s fine… but she is not owed a fast response from a guy. She can set her expectations up front for what she is looking, and if they are not met, leave.
Let me remind people. She is 28 years old. This isn’t a grey area about her “being an adult” while she’s only 20. It is on her to act in her own self interest and end things when she feels things are stagnating, not him.
I’ve observed many women operates in this dissonance where they are simultaneously strong and independent and yet the guy has to take responsibility for their best sexual interests.
Sorry — one of these things doesn’t work with the other. You must choose: go back and be a man’s “property” and have your male relatives negotiate your sexual future with a suitor. Or go and take responsibility for yourself.
For all the ire feminists get in this corner of the internet, they at least seem to get this. They own their sexual relationships and the outcomes. Their problem of course is that they don’t know how to effectively navigate the sexual market, and get bad outcomes.
But at least they don’t operate with this convoluted neo-tradism, where women have all the autonomy and rights they wish, yet men must also act towards them as if they have none of the responsibility.
Of course, it was a guy who wrote this, so perhaps I should be more kind to the ladies. The issue is it’s apparent this is stated with the female audience in mind. It’s a classic outpouring of the unconscious “savior complex” that exists in all men.
Guys should understand while this impulse might masquerade as goodness, it is ultimately vanity. “I need to break up with her now, poor little thing, it’s going to be so terrible for her but I must to do the right thing for her sake.”
In my experience, women hate this condescending shit with a passion.
Anyway, none of this is to take away from the fact that women at 28 really don’t have a ton of time to mess around. No, it’s not a difficult age to find a guy — you’re not too late by any means, especially if you’ve taken care of yourself — but you want to take things seriously so you’ll be where you want to be by 30. The “proposal in 6 months or bust” rule isn’t a bad one.
But if a woman wants to have reasonable boundaries like the guy asserts above, she needs to express them herself. And she needs to act on them.
Ok, enough for today.
If you want personal guidance in your love life, apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
