Common question I get — and one that arose with a client recently — is how you can know whether a girl is “the one.” Is there something about her that’s different than other girls? What emotions should you feel?
It’s a good question, though obviously a difficult one to answer.
First because of the simple fact that guys are all wired differently and have varied levels of emotional regulation / response. How am I supposed to know how YOU will feel?
And second because it’s debatable whether or not there is “a one” to begin with. How much of it is known in the moment vs rationalized after the fact?
Yet for you my dear readers I will take a stab.
Addressing objection #2 briefly, however:
I’ve discussed the issue of soulmates before. Essentially there ARE people you are destined to connect with. But that does not necessarily mean you are meant to go the distance.
I call these women Tier 1 — which is NOT an indication about their intrinsic quality, but about the connection the two of you have. A Tier 1 girl for you may not be one for another.
With that out of the way… let’s address the question directly. How can you tell if she is “the one”?
The best indication from my experience — and from hearing the stories of the most successful relationships — is that the initial connection between the two of you is more or less effortless.
I’m not talking necessarily about stuff like “you complete each others’ sentences.” That is definitely Tier 1 material, but not required and not even necessarily a sign you’ll make it long term.
What seems to be universal is that being with the person seems easy. It is a very “unconscious” attraction. Natural. And on a certain level, known that you are going to end up together incredibly early.
Interestingly, lust or infatuation — that “I can’t keep my hands off of you” feeling — does NOT correlate strongly with long term success. Probably because the more intense and intoxicating the desire, the less grounded the dynamic. These relationships or affairs are important to teach us things, but as impulsive anima connections, they tend to end in flames.
Nor does the common adage in pick up that “the girls you want should be intimidating to you” correlate with her being “the one.” However, there’s an important point to this.
This lack of “intimidation” is NOT because the girl is not very attractive — which is the basis of this trope. It’s not because you’re settling.
Rather, it’s because your unconscious is far more “synched” with the women you are meant to be with from the start. And so it is much easier for you to approach, you’re much smoother, and she is herself more receptive.
Let me repeat:
It should not be difficult to approach the woman you are meant to be with.
That does NOT mean if a girl is super attractive and makes you nervous that you shouldn’t approach her. There is tons of value in doing this: it increases your capacity for tension, and the only way you will get better with women is pushing your limits.
The reason I was able to smoothly approach my wife was because there was an unconscious pull towards her, but also because I had experienced the tension of approaching beautiful women already. Had I not done this, it’s likely we would never have gotten off the ground.
So do not take my exploration of this topic as a rationale to not take action.
That said:
Part of the reason many approaches are difficult is because your conscious mind is saying “that’s a beautiful woman, approach her, you need to push yourself” while your unconscious says “she’s not for me.” The challenge of the approach is not simply a result of fear that needs to be overcome, but a lack of conviction about the connect the two of you will have. It is akin to dissonance, and dissonance always requires force to push through.
This is VERY subtle stuff and more applicable to intuitive guys who have already tested themselves in “the field,” as again, most will just use this to rationalize fear of getting rejected by a beautiful woman.
Anyway, TL;DR is that being with “the one” should feel easy. You should find yourself wanting to spend time with her unconsciously, almost in spite of yourself. It’s not necessarily an intense feeling, just an automatic one. Sometimes you only know by viewing your own behavior objectively.
Which is incidentally why a lot of guys come to me with coaching.
Because they can’t see themselves, or assess their own behavior objectively.
They’re mixed up — maybe between lust and love, or confused by fear of loss, need for validation, etc.
Point is…
I help them to see themselves clearly. And get them walking down the path that their HIGHER self wants for them.
If you want to similar time and energy savings for yourself…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
