A very interesting and controversial comment came up on Twitter the other day:
Truth be told, I didn’t think much of it when it came up in my client-only chat. Usual manosphere LARPing I assumed — taking dumb extreme positions to provoke a reaction.
But as multiple DMs poured in… I began to actually consider the statements.
Was it really just a stupid comment, or was there some truth to it?
Well I hate to say it lads… but there is.
Yes… the tweet IS typical manosphere clickbait that overreaches. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with women having friends. Indeed, a woman having NO female friends isn’t necessarily a good thing… you should always be wary of people who alienate their own sex.
And yet, women having a bunch of “close female friends” does seem to be a proxy in many cases for shitty behavior in a relationship.
The question is, why?
Because in many cases these days, “close female friends” mean single, superficial girls who slut-it-up — who like drama and don’t have a vested interest in others in the crew getting hitched up; especially if said dynamic compromises the “girl bond.”
These girls discourage depth and encourage new crushes or flirtations because it feeds their group need for gossip.
They might support a relationship for their friend in the beginning because new love is exciting, but they are implicitly if not explicitly going to want her to share issues down the line — not only because healthy relationships are “boring,” but because jealousy and sabotage are a perennial inclinations among women. Even if the group is above-average and does not push her to find problems, your girl will nevertheless feel pressure to complain to fit in.
Which means disputes and frustrations that are natural in the development of a relationship are amplified rather than resolved. Your girl is torn between her desire to be happy with her man and her desire to connect to “her girls.”
A great example of this in action is the girls from “Sex in The City” — every week at their brunch, these ladies share private stories about their men and drama. The result? A regular rotation of new men and drama — and these women actually care about each other! In real life, such bonds, and certainly such “happy ending” outcomes are far less realistic.
The bottom line is girl friendships tend to revolve around the excitement of problem-creation rather than the calmness of problem-resolution, leading the destabilization of otherwise healthy relationships.
Girls who don’t have “cliques” like this or indeed don’t have any friends don’t have this gossipy pressure. The only pressure that matters in her life comes from you. They are lonely and want to feel connection; you walk into the picture, and you become her life.
So I get why there is a sense it’s better to get a girl without friends than one with them — and why it’s important for her to ditch the ones she has.
However, let’s bring some nuance in here.
While GROUPS of girls are feral and tend to be a race to the bottom, not all women have bad intentions for each other. Individual friendships between women can be very intimate and supportive. They might not give each other the hard truth that’s common in close male friendships, but it doesn’t mean they will try and destroy each other either. Many genuinely want the best for these “sisters” — they love each other.
Moreover, there are downsides to women without friends — even aside from questions about why they can’t connect to other women, what happens to your life dating such a girl? A woman without friends will become dependent on you — and later her children — for all of her emotional needs. That’s not only a burden on you, it stunts her personality… and opens her up to “branch swinging” to another guy if you don’t give her enough attention.
Point of all the above is simple…
It doesn’t really matter whether or not a girl has female friends; what matters is the kind of women she surrounds herself with, and how obsessed she is with them.
A healthy woman will have female friends when you meet her — some more casual, some closer — but once she meets you and gets closer to you, she will focus less on them and more on you.
Her friendships with single girls will dwindle — she’ll start to see the self-destructive ones for who they are — and her female friendships will begin revolving more around “couples” the two of you know.
This should happen naturally. And if it doesn’t, you shouldn’t need to “force it.” If so you’re with the wrong girl.
Anyway.
Curious about your own situation with such a woman? Not sure how to judge her behavior, wondering if she’s a keeper?
You should probably work with me.
It’s one thing to talk in generalities. But the devil is always in the details. Getting the analysis right is always about context, context, context…
And calibrating for context is what I do that sets me apart from 99% of coaches out there.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS New video dropped the other day, in case you missed it: Dating / Relationship Q&A – Sugar Daddies, Madonna Whore, Catcalling
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