Short email only for you lads today.
But I wanted to talk about something that happens *all the time* with women.
Something you will need to deal with if you hope to maintain “frame” in a relationship (or whatever it is you have).
What is that something?
A woman’s propensity to blame YOU for exactly how she is feeling.
Now… I need to be fair here before I dive into this.
Because it is true that BOTH sexes can play “the blame game.” Many controlling men criticize and belittle their women all the time. They can’t feel their own emotions, and so they make everybody else responsible for them. It’s low conscious behavior, and low consciousness doesn’t belong to men or women exclusively.
But that said…
The tendency of emotionally-detached men is to INTERNALIZE their emotions. They suppress how they feel, and so their needs get offloaded onto others indirectly. Men don’t nag, they fester with resentment. It may explode sometimes, or leak out awkwardly, but it is a pain the man tends to bear himself.
Women on the other hand are more prone to EXTERNALIZE. They feel something? It immediately gets launched onto someone else… particularly the guy, as his “internalization” pattern seems to ground it. He takes on her pain as his own, and she freely gives it.
No surprise, this is a big problem. Because when you not simply tolerate but take ownership of another’s emotions, you will experience a progressively worse relationship with them.
I have to admit, I had some dissonance on this in the past. Years back, I believed it was the role of the man to “be the rock.” And yes, to an extent this remains true — you need to be emotionally strong and reliable — but there’s a specific connotation when men are told to “deal with her moods.” It’s expected a man won’t get fazed by them, and will just ignore them / deal.
This is certainly better than reacting or whining, but even this is still settling.
Let’s look at a common place this occurs: in “traditional” relationship dynamics.
You’ve got a “trad girl” who cooks, cleans, takes care of kids, has sex when it’s requested, etc… she performs her “roles.” Well guess what? You’ve got roles too. Your role is not simply to “bring home the bacon.” You have to carry her emotional baggage for her.
You need to deal with her hysteria whenever it crops up. Because you’re “the man.” And men “ground” woman’s moods, right?
Well, they can and do. But if this is how your relationship is operating, you’re not “at the bottom” — but you’re still leaving levels on the table. She is outsourcing her emotional regulation to you, and there is a cost to this.
Which is why in an integrated relationship, you approach a woman’s outbursts differently.
YOU MAKE HER DEAL WITH THEM HERSELF
NOT in the “low level” sense of freaking out or complaining. But of holding space AND boundaries.
Understand:
If you aim to be an integrated man, your job isn’t to carry other’s burdens.
Your job is to LEAD.
And the BEST way to lead a woman is to EMPOWER her.
Help her to find out WHY she is actually upset. Why does she feel so emotionally helpless?
You put boundaries up, not only to protect yourself… but to serve her.
Because when someone CAN’T externalize their issues, guess what?
They have to face them.
And when a woman faces her problems… she begins to heal.
Which makes your relationship completely transform.
A lot of guys struggle to deal with this, because they associate leadership as a form of sacrifice rather than self-ownership.
But this is a co-dependent type of leadership. Everyone looks to “the leader,” and the leader never looks to himself. So he has all sorts of unconscious contracts with his family. Indeed — grumpy, critical fathers are products of this distorted role playing.
It’s much better to simply lead by offering others the opportunity to grow, and step into higher levels of consciousness.
To guide with truth, rather than rules.
Anyway.
Don’t want to ramble.
Will just add:
Yes, there are a lot of coaches out there to choose from.
I offer a very different path than most.
You won’t simply learn with me in your corner. You’ll change as a person.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS Check out the latest video and SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON: Phone Numbers, Plastic Surgery and Slut Shaming – Dating and Relationships #9
