This is a topic I haven’t much explored at this point. And what follows in this email will be far from the definitive answer on it.
But I wanted to talk a little about dread game and sex.
It’s commonly accepted wisdom in red pill circles that some level of dread is necessary if you want to have a good sex life post-honeymoon phase. This especially applies if you live together and have kids.
This doesn’t have to be “explicit” mind you — but you need to be looking good, bringing in the bacon… and most importantly… attracting the attention of other ladies.
Your girl sees other girls are interested, and voila! She gets a little fear that she might lose you… and starts to “act” like she values you more. Just like that, a dead bedroom starts to transform into a lively one.
This is jading to many men, but I can confirm that the above works. You may not like it, and women may not like it, but fear is a powerful motivator in making a woman sexually available.
But is it the only motivator?
Yet it is the commonly defaulted to one, because in many ways it’s the easier path to take.
You see… a woman who has some trauma around abandonment (most women) is going to get anxious when she sees you potentially pursue (or be pursued by) another girl.
This may damage some of the trust in the relationship, but her visceral response is to mate-guard. If you handle her correctly — if you know “game” — her anxiety will translate into arousal.
Anxiety creates tension, which is energy, which is very often experienced as sexual desire. It’s why creating tension and even “discomfort” very often leads to physical escalation. And it’s why horror films are notoriously good for scoring on dates.
(Indeed, this is why pornographic sites start with some vanilla, even tasteful nudes and evolve into some seriously disturbing imagery. It’s not that guys “like” this gross stuff but as they experience anxiety, it becomes interpreted as arousal. Once they release to it, a pattern is developed. Psychological priming 101.)
But the problem with “dread game” and this form of turning a woman on is that you are using her trauma against her. You are taking advantage of her low self-confidence. Many hypersexual women in fact “get off” to being degraded because of this. They experience anxiety as arousal automatically, and since they’re always anxious…
This is one of the reasons why “crazy” girls tend to be the best in bed. When they direct their trauma sexually, it’s intense and wild; when it’s not, it makes a guy’s life miserable.
Anyway, staying on topic… I know this is a big dilemma for a lot of guys. How are you supposed to get good sex unless you a) pick a traumatized girl, who comes with all sorts of baggage and/or b) push on a woman’s trauma to get her turned on, and cause her pain?
Men with good hearts actually hate this shit. Because they WANT a woman who is sweet and loving, and they want a relationship that’s healthy and intimate. But they also want her sexually charged up.
The answer my friends is simple… but not easy.
You need to turn your woman on with LOVE.
And what does that mean in practice?
It means SERIOUS vulnerability and honesty about not simply her, but your sexual dynamic.
You need to get her to deal with her insecurities and transcend them, so she can own her sexual nature CONFIDENTLY.
Because guess what?
The reason a lot of good girls “starfish” ISN’T because of *you* — it’s because they have a poor self-image and perhaps associate sex and their own sexual pleasure with guilt and shame.
Sometimes it’s as straightforward as them finding themselves physically unattractive; other times it’s more psychological. They feel awkward, they’re self-conscious…
Wait, you mean women feel those things in bed too?
Yep. Probably even more than men. And they have less of an incentive to deal with them because men have socially beared the burden of performance.
Anyway, the point is simple:
A woman’s sexual interest *and* her sexual enthusiasm increases in direct proportion to the lack of shame she feels.
And the man that makes her feel the most loved and the least ashamed, will get her sexual best.
You will need to create the environment for her to release that shame. And you will need to do it by decreasing that shame yourself… and being willing to have VERY vulnerable conversations with your girl.
Scary stuff, and in direct opposition to most of what you hear online. It is SERIOUS work, if we are being honest.
Probably not for everybody.
But if you decide to take this path less traveled, and create an amazing sex life without “abusing” your woman…
You can work with me.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
PS Check out the latest YouTube video that just dropped — like and subscribe! Getting Ghosted, Late Bloomers and Validation – Dating and Relationships #13