A situation happened with a client the other day that was very instructive and worth sharing.
Cutting to the chase:
My client had been dating a girl for a few months. Dynamic was pretty solid — they had great conversational chemistry, sex was good, and values were in line. She liked him, he liked her, and by all accounts they were moving towards a proper relationship.
There was only one problem:
She smelled… bad.
Now, that might sound funny, but it’s quite a serious issue.
Pheromones are powerful. They are what determines a lot of our biological, physical arousal for a girl — really as important as looks (though under-considered because it’s so unconscious, and often isn’t a negative)
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about pheromones. Someone smells how they smell. Diet affects it, sure, but you can’t really change it.
But hygiene does make a big impact… if you’re showering regularly, changing your clothes, the scent won’t be as much of an issue as otherwise.
So, seeing as this girl was very “au natural” and not doing these things so often, my client decided to say something.
Indeed, I encouraged him to do this. Because you can’t get committed to someone with something this serious in the way.
Unfortunately, the execution was not perfect, and things didn’t turn out so well.
First was the timing. He said it immediately after she said how great he smelled… this is like complimenting someone’s looks, and then having them say “thanks, btw that reminds me you don’t look very good.”
VERY bad and vulnerable moment for her to have such criticism lobbed at her.
She went very cold after that, and wasn’t receptive to his texts after he left.
But it was actually something else he did that killed this budding relationship… which is what I want to draw your attention to today.
When she didn’t respond to his initial texts… he kept texting her… and then sent her flowers… and then apologized and said “they could work through it”…
BIG MISTAKE
Because if you are going to tell a girl some harsh truths, you can NEVER back down afterwords.
Let’s be honest:
Women are generally not very good at hearing these sort of raw comments. They personalize them much more than men — it takes a very aware and mature woman to receive this kind of feedback as a gift.
The truth hurts everyone, but women in particular struggle with it — especially when it’s personal. Women grow through praise far more than criticism.
But blunt criticism has its place — and so when you convey something painful like this to a woman, you need to be prepared to weather the inevitable emotional response and stand your ground.
She was hurt by his comments, but there’s a good chance she would have gotten over them if he had given her space, and let his requirements settle. She would have fallen into his frame, and considered the truth of what he said. After all, having her change her perfume and shower more really isn’t the end of the world. It was good advice.
But by telling her in effect “I’m sorry the truth hurt you, let’s forget about it, I don’t want to lose you and I don’t care if you smell bad”… her hurt turned to disgust. Because now she had been offended by a guy who was desperate enough that he was willing to compromise his own standards and ignore the truth.
He subcommunicated to her, in other words, that he was weak and couldn’t be trusted.
Unfortunately, the client and I were not working together when this happened — the above was a catalyst for him to jump back onboard.
Which is something I want to underline for you guys.
My client was making great progress, but after things were going well he decided to hold off on my advice of continuing coaching to try to manage on his own.
For the record, I get this, and respect it. It’s a very masculine trait to depend on yourself. Moreover my intention with clients is *always* to get them to not need me, which is why I rarely advise more than one extension — and often even that isn’t necessary.
But this male stubbornness has its downsides.Guys will refuse to get help even when they absolutely need it, because they look at the money and say “well, is it really necessary? I can probably manage.”
And so progress is slow, and setbacks occur when they would not have.
It’s why I am commonly told I should work with women — they are much much more willing to seek out help. Indeed, I get at least one request every week. It begs the question — why bother focusing on men? Why limit my income?
Because I care about men — and because men frankly need more help.
They have been abandoned by society, and most of the communities and coaches left to them either give bad advice (“all women are XXXXX”) or are compromised (“jUsT bE yOurSelF”).
I know very well I can’t help them all, not only because of my limited time, but because many would rather flounder and fail than ask for help.
My client is in fact a representation of the upper echelon of men. He didn’t have the ego to disappear once something bad happened… and he’s already back out there crushing it as a result.
Most “men” are more like this guy, wasting nearly a decade of their life trying to get women and failing, yet never asking for help:
Anyway, you get the idea.
If you want to keep doing the same thing you’ve been doing for years, and get the same results…
Please continue. It’s your life and your choice.
But if you want to change, and you want to change fast…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
