It’s a pretty frequent problem you hear a couple years into a romance.
Guy’s with a great girl. But as the prospect of commitment looms, he struggles with “pulling the trigger.”
He starts to fantasize about other girls… or at least the idea of them. “Maybe I just need to bang a few more…”
The only issue?
He loves the girl he’s with. He’s attracted to her. He wants it to work.
And yet, he’s not all the way in. She starts to feel it… and a relationship with good potential suddenly begins to go on the rocks.
Most guys looking at this situation will diagnose it superficially, as a purely sexual dilemma.
“Not surprising… men always want to hook up with other girls. Monogamy itself is one big sacrifice, you gotta suck it up”
“No regrets man, once you’re locked down that’s it — break up and take the opportunity”
I get these perspectives. It’s certainly true, for instance, that us men don’t lose our attraction for, well, attractive women regardless of whether or not we’re in a relationship.
And yet if we’re being honest, we know that’s not really what’s going on.
One of the pieces of propaganda the mainstream and the manosphere have in common is this belief that sex is mostly just a disposable, “physical” thing to men (as opposed to women.)
To be fair, it’s likely some men do feel this way, and perhaps even a majority of men have at certain times in their lives (long dry spells).
But most do not feel this way normally — especially when they are in a relationship, and getting regular sex.
“Variety” isn’t really the problem. The impulse is a symptom.
Of what you might ask?
Shame.
And I’ll explain why.
Men unconsciously seek out freedom; it is part of the masculine spirit. Which is why when men feel like they can’t be free in their relationship, they will seek to escape it, and fantasize about novelty.
Assuming a woman is controlling, and killing a man’s spirit — leaving such relationships will be experienced as profound relief for the man. His energy will return, and he will begin to see the world with color again.
But when this “itch” occurs in a HEALTHY relationship, the problem is not the woman constraining the man’s freedom, but rather the man himself.
He is holding part of his self-expression back, yet he resents her for it — because he assumes a certain reaction from her, and fears it. And so he creates reasons why he should leave her.
He uses the avoidance of his own shame (which could be as simple as expressing his own needs) as a reason to avoid going deeper with her.
All very silly, really — for multiple reasons.
First, it very rarely ends up as badly as you might imagine. Healthy people who love each other tend to make space for each other’s feelings and pain points. Most relationships in fact transform and become much more intimate and erotic as a result of this honest.
But even if she is going to dump you because of this thing, what difference does it make if the alternative to telling her is leaving?
It’s a classic case of a guy being his own worst enemy.
And the sad truth is it’s very hard to tell when it’s you or her. Even if you have the self-awareness to suspect it, trying to see this blemish is like trying to look at your back in the mirror.
The good news:
You can work with me.
Because I will tell you very clearly whether you are the one out of alignment, or whether it’s your relationship.
And then I will show you exactly how to live in alignment afterwords.
Oh, and a word to the wise…
Yes, you can make these decisions in your own time. You always have free will. Your life is your choice.
But I would hurry up.
We have had a year to prepare ourselves for the new world. Speaking bluntly you will be behind if you haven’t done the deep work before this Spring.
And Spring has almost come.
Go here to apply: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
