In self-improvement circles, there’s a generally healthy competition among men to out-earn, out-learn, out-lift, and of course out-fuck each other.
Which is fine. If you need to keep tangible metrics, all of these ones are understandable.
Indeed, you would think making more, knowing more, lifting more, and fucking more are all signs of “winning.”
Yet there are also limitations to this system.
These metrics are what you might call “3D.” Nothing wrong with them, and they are generally indicators of progress… at least for a time.
But what happens when a guy seeks so much information that his brain is cluttered with meaningless data, and he loses perspective on the essentials?
What if he lifts so much, he starts to get injuries, feels uncomfortable, and sees his meals become a boring chore?
What’s next if he can get a pretty girl effectively every day of the week, but feels empty and even dirty after having sex with her?
What does he do if his pursuit of money leads to the pursuit of the superficial, and he begins to wonder what the point of life even is?
You might think I am trying to insinuate all of these things are really bad, and you actually shouldn’t pursue them. I am not. 90% of men need work in all of the categories, and 99% need work in at least one.
But what about that 1%?
They can only operate on the core fundamentals of what it means to grow as a man:
The need to lean into one’s edge.
And the need to fall into alignment with one’s self.
To be fair, the edge generally corresponds with the above metrics. You “add” more money or more women or more knowledge or more muscle. But that’s because most men suffer varying degrees of lack.
Once you have all you need, your edge is letting go much of what you have.
That doesn’t necessarily mean giving away all your money. It doesn’t mean never having sex again, or never reading, or not taking care of your health.
But there is a change with intention.
Your edge goes from addition to subtraction.
What do you need, and what do you not need? What is actually in service to you — what brings you to alignment — and what does not?
What many men discover, for instance, is that money is great, but simply a tool. Attachment is released from it. It continues to come in — perhaps slightly less, perhaps even more — but with significantly less work and focus. It is there when needed. It is there for creative play. But it is not a goal unto itself.
The same applies to fitness, women, and learning.
Many guys will “cut back” at the gym, because they ask themselves after hitting their edge of addition — why am I doing this? What physical activity actuallyfeels good for me?
Many of these men will then lose some of their muscle, and instead improve their flexibility or athleticism. They will eat more cleanly and sustainably. They will seek internal guidance from the body rather than using the external ideal.
These same men may stop sleeping with women who they do not feel connected with. They may have deeper, more intense sex with a woman who brings something else out of them. They will limit their essence to only those in alignment with their heart and body.
And these same men will begin the process of unlearning, rather than learning. To discard logical masturbations and begin to know with the heart, rather than analyze with the mind.
This is one way to measure a man’s growth: to assess where his edge is.
A boy becomes a man when he seeks to do more and more physically, mentally, financially, and sexually. Boys who do not push themselves like this are missing some fundamental connection to their masculinity.
And yet a wise, established man’s edge is less material, and more spiritual. After conquering the world, he practices becomes comfortable with surrendering it. This is preparation for his inevitable surrender to death, and involves a new tension of its own.
The point of mentioning all of this is simple:
As a man you must know and accept what stage of growth you are in.
Yes, you are growing as a man so long as you are challenging yourself. You are growing so long as your ability to hold tension is expanding, and you feel on the edge of your capacity.
But you must also be honest with yourself about when you are “growing” to avoid the growth you really need to do be doing. Which may involve reassessing your priorities, and what your soul is calling for you to do.
An easy way to detect this is to ask where that goal is coming from. Do you “think” this will make you a better man if you do it? Are you looking for some recognition from yourself or others?
If so, that’s OK. Perhaps you need to go through this. But if you are pushing this angle and yet your soul is pushing back — you can’t bring yourself to succeed, or the way is blocked with absurd obstacles — perhaps you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Maybe what’s called for is not to push onward, but to let go.
Anyway, subtle distinctions as you might guess. Especially since we go through micro-phases of “leaning in” and “letting go” throughout our lives.
The easiest way to navigate these transitions seamlessly?
Work with me.
They’re called blindspots because you can’t see them about yourself. But I can.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
